I sit here day after day thinking about how strong and useful I was. I enjoyed designing my yard landscaping, going to work, and in general being productive. Now that the accumulating multiple pain has taken over my life and made me more of a dreamer than a doer, I feel hopeless and a burden to my family. On disability no money and taking pain meds to get through the day of multiple pains while looking forward to a lower back shot every two months. This started out as low pain got worse and is now running my life for with out injections and meds my quality of life sucks. The only thing i look forward to these days is being with my grandchildren and interacting while having a feeling of childhood. I can let go for a moment then I pick one up and remember oh I had to wake up again to do this all over. Multiple pain takes the spirit out of a guy. The system really is a big let down. Any one have similar or same issues. I find I need to talk about things, any one game?
sounds like my life story. my back surgeries started in 1997 and i went downhill rapidly from there. i am doing much better this days. i tried almost everything out there to dull the pain. then got very addicted to everything i took. went to rehab.that did not work either. to make a long story shorter, 6 yrs ago i got on methadone. my doctor prescribed 10mgs 4x a day. it worked great. i stayed on it for about and year and actually weaned myself down to 10mgs a day only. then being the addicted i am, i upped my dosage again slowly but surely. now i am at 120mgs a day. i have had other things, health wise happen since 2004 that i don't have time to talk about right now, but if your interested, someday i will continue this chat. but you are not alone. there is a whole bunch of us out there who love to talk and visit and share their stories. hang in there. hope to talk to you real soon. happy holidays... kimmie1
All Chronic pain patients have been there including me at the moment. I was luckily able to find a great Anesthesiologist/Pain Specialist close to my home town and after reading my MRI results he was shocked no one was willing to help me. All it takes is the right doctor and the right narcotic. If you would like to chat further I would be more than happy to talk. I'll add you as a friend. Feel free to contact me through a private message. Happy Holidays! By the way. Right now I'm not going to school, I don't have a job, I can't do anything that involves lifting this for my parents. I feel terrible about it but right now all I can to do. Lets get in touch!
Ohhhhh Yes, this sounds like my story. Back in 1982 I injured my back. I had to quit work to work in another field because of the heavy lifting. So I got into bookkeeping... Boring... I worked for Bitches.. in a hospital.In the office we had practicing witches. A big boss that was not compassionite. I had to have cyst surgery and he told me if I took more time off I would be fired. I had a bloody cyst ready to explode. He did not want me to have surgery !! In a F... Hospital. I did have surgery. But my aching back. I could not work any more. I was so depressed. It took 6 more years on disability till I started to get life back. But by then I lost my love because of all the drugs doctors had me on. 11 1/2 years he stepped on my heart and walked away.
I am now alone.. I finally just got a companion dog, about 4 months ago. I am blessed. She is with me 24 / 7. I now can not hold a job full time. I work per diem under the counter. I work in Pain management and addiction. Just about 3-4 hrs a week. I work to keep my mind together I help people in pain. The doctor I work for can prescribe Subutex for pain. I have been shocked watching the people that are no longer strung out like I was.
I work out in the pool and now in the past two years my low back is back in place. The discs are not longer buldging. My Chiropractor is shocked, and yet happy. I can not say I do not have pain, but now moderate. I love working for a Pain Management doctor and watch all the miracles that are happening in the medical world today.
I wish you the best and may you be blessed as I am. Get a companion dog as they too are listed as a service dog. They can go to the grocery and everywhere with me. They are there when pain is super bad. They somehow relieve much of my pain through unconditional love.
I hope the new year bring you some pain relief.
Oh my gosh! You just told my story. I hurt my back but waited too long to go to the doc so couldn't prove it happened on the job. I loved to dance, shoot pool, ride horses,ride my bike, bowl, lift weights, hunt, wrestle,. You name it. I did everything with my sons. They don't really understand but I've learned (from the excruciating pain) that I can't do the physical things I love anymore. It's affected my relationships with my kids & all my personal ones as well. It was also a large contributing factor in my divorce. It's hard for me to drive to the store. I have 6 herniated & bulging discs in my neck & lower back. There are many days I wish I didn't wake up. My grandson is 3 mos. & lots of days I can barely hold him. Years ago I had cancer. I can't believe I came through that & now have to suffer like this. I ended up getting addicted to pain pills & am now on suboxone trying to get clean.
I truly know what you're going through. I wish you the best of luck & along with everyone else who posts on here you'll be in my prayers. My son is attended bible college & he always tells me that god doesn't see anyone as useless.
jacy53 Hi. Let me you are surely not alone and from your question I have found that I too am not alone. I know it seems that way when we are arould our friends and family becaause they can say the are sym[athetic and really meam it but they really have no idea what physcial, psycholgical and emotional pain is eating us alive. I too get my greatest happiness from my grandchildren. It makes me sad when I can't do everything they want me to do and they don't understand why Mum Mum can't do something but I can usually distract them to something else. I was very active I swam kick boxed did step aroebics and made custom cakes. My injury is to both my wrist 27 surgeries with at least 2 more pending. And RSD/CRPS as a result. And don't forget the anxiety and depression that comes with it. Yes I am game. Let's get started. Call me Barb I am from hiladelphia PA area. Have 2 grandchildren and two more due on1/31/10 and 2/1/10.
I got my injury by fallin down 13 steps and shattered L wrist and fx R wrist and tore rotator cuff
I look for to talking with you and other's hope this helps some Barb
YES... I do understand... i was very strong and then fell through a floor..did the splits so to speak... broke my tailbone my back neck all my teeth and jaw.. so a while I couldn't walk... wheelchair and walkers..I didn't think I could live that way... after a few years of pt. I can walk ok..I said I would never complain if I could only walk... but here I am complaining... I just can't do my yard work plant my flowers... stand there for hours and cook..and I loved to cook... so i sit for a bit walk for a bit.. and lay down for a bit... thats now my whole life... and i can't pick up my grandkids either... makes me feel useless... your right it just take the spirit right out of you... how you doing now... any better... they say I won't get any better... but they also said I might not walk again... and I'm walking ok now... so they might just be wrong... I might get better... yea right... I think I'm as better as I'm going to get...
but just so I can walk ..I think I can deal... but I'm having trouble with my pain meds now... oh I don't know what I would do if they didn't work... oh now that would be bad... they do work ok... not real good but... they help... how about you... pain meds help you out much??? or could they be 3 or 4 or 10 times stronger... my sure could... I don't wanna be greedy and ask for more... my doc gives me alot... and you would think they would work better but... they don't... I take methadone percocet and valium... the clinic I go to no longer will give oxys... i was on 20mg. oxys and they worked real well... but now they have been replaced by methadone... and its not working near as good... nothing I can do but change doctors... and I don't want to do that ... I love my doc... she great... how do pain meds work for you..and do you have a doctor you like???
i for one feel very useless i'm waiting on disability i don't think i've every been this poor i've always been in the upper middle class and having to quit work the first of 2009 with no notice has sure taken it's toll on me and my relationship of 37 years. i feel your pain about the shots every other month i got one every month for 4 months then had to wait awhile for the next series now after 7-8 years they don't work so my doc. stopped them. at times i feel like he doesn't believe i'm in as much pain as i carry. missy2
Hi jacy53 - I m game I've been going through same thing as you. How long have you been missing out on your life? I do hope that you can find the right combinations of injections, meds, etc., to make you happy again. I have been like this for a long time. I have the chronic low back, neck, & shoulder pain, chronic pancreatitis, a brain tumor. recently had mild heart attack & mini stroke - recovered great & fast - but I keep wondering, "Is that all there is" (song by Mama Cass) I have a really good attitude, (not always) injections 5 times a yr, use celexa or Lexapro for depression, oxycontin or opana ER and vicoprofen or norco for breakthrough I also take I guess that's about as good as it is going to get.
For any/all that are using Fentynal patch B VERY CAREFUL!!! there have been a few times that certain brands were recalled due to OD's - death because they leaked and all the medicine was administered immediately! (I was lucky, 2 times I OD'd on them but got to the hospital in time) You think about how useful & strong you were and I keep dreaming about how stong and useful I will be again and pray! I will not accept that I will never work or live again. Best of luck to you! I would love to talk to you more but I am rarely on the computer anymore. I will check back soon 4 you!
Dear jacy53: I know exactly how you feel. I too am unemployed due to pain. My husband works 2nd shift so I am alone most of the day and night. He works from 2:30pm to 2:30am. I don't get the house cleaned the way I should. We just moved to TN so I don't know anyone. My son was killed in a drunk driving accident in 1990. He was 20. So I have no children or grandchildren to live for. I too am on meds for degenertive spinal pain and stress related migraines. Do you take anti-depressents or anxiety medication. I am on anti-depressents and it does help some. I also know about the money. My husband does bring in money but it is not enough.
I had been on unemployment but my last check is a 1/2 check next Tuesday and then we are really in a mess! What kind of lower back shots due you get every 2 months? What kind of pain meds do you take? Maybe you should ask your Dr for something stronger. I am also on Methadone. I went to a pain Dr and he said he wouldn't put me on anything else if I was on methadone and he thought I was on way too much methadone. I am on a wafer methadone and I think that might be different than pills. Anyway I did not have any luck with the Pain Dr. Hope you get some help and I will be praying for you. Please write me whenever you want to talk. God Bless and feel better!
wow. i'm not going to bore everyone with my story, except for the parts that might help. (oh, hi, everyone, i just joined the site today!)
i've lived with managable OA since i was 9- in fact i was pretty athletic as a kid, even competitively ice skated (low level). i believe i was 38 when they said the knee needed replacing, but i was too young. but that's only a ding in my problems. darvocet and vioxx helped me through that pretty well.
around my 40th birthday, i started training super hard, i confess, i wanted to try out for survivor! some how a minor back problem turned overnight into screaming pain. the worst thing of all of it was that i had an HMO.
i was out of darvocet for the knee, finally got into my primary, who immediatly sent me across the hall to the neurologist, essentially releasing me from his care (unbeknownst to me). so, still screaming pain, no meds. then off to the MRI. more time. back to the neuro. oh, no meds unless he does surgery. all of this took 5 months. then i was sent to "pain management". what THAT ever an oxymoron. by this time the pain was beyond any control. i thought then it was the worst it could be. then i met the famale PA who i was supposed to deal with. i believe she actually told me "i believe you're in pain, just not as much pain as you're telling me"
and "crying will not help anything. grow up". seems i had radicapathy (sp), w/ pain down both legs. she sent me home with the allowance of ONE darovcet per day, and put in the referral for the first of many of those lovely shots.
fun thing about HMOs, they have to put in referrals for every procedure. so it took 6 months to complete a series that should have taken 2-3 weeks to finish. did this twice (during which time this witch threatened me with cutting me off completely if i didn't go on morphene which scared the crap out of me. i also needed a wheelchair, and a larger car to carry said chair by this time, but the HMO wouldn't pay or even rent me one, because i could walk ten steps, and i could go to the bathroom by myself. and dress myself. that was the criteria. finally they decided a radio frequency ablation would fix it, but it was considered experimental by health net. i had to apply to the state medical board for approval. turned down once.
appealed, getting all the paperwork together myself (luckily i made a friend in the surgery center, without her help, i never would have pulled it together), and got it approved. also, the witch PA abruptly "disappeared" and the anaesthesologist suggested i ALWAYS request is resident, so i got a little more pain medication. not enough, but at least i got to see the doc every time. so after more months, i had the RA, and like the other things, it worked about 5-6 weeks, and stuff started getting bad again.
come august, the "pain management" people pretty much kicked me out the door, saying they'd done all they could do. and that was that. i was still in a wheel chair, could barely walk from the driveway to the house, had no way to get get pain relief, and what was worse, my hope was gone. see through all of this, i at least had HOPE. in big, shiny, glowing letters in my head. oh, and booze. the only drug i could get my hands on. and lots and lots of sharp, screaming pain. i couldn't do anything, i couldn't take care of or even play with my bunnies. make my own food. couldn't stand and take a shower. and the pain was spreading up my back, down my legs, it was no better, in fact was worse.
'kay, i wasn't going to share all that, THIS is what i wanted to share:
we have the opportunity each year to change insurance, so that october, we elected to choose a PPO type. i didn't have to drive 120 miles round trip at least once a month, i could choose finally to see an orthopaedist (which i'd been forbidden, they were so sure it was neurological). so as soon as it flipped over in january, i say a regular family practice guy, gave him my records (don't even remember why i saw him, it had been pounded into my head i wasn't a surgical candidate, and by this time i'd developed a paranoid, clinical fear of doctors... odd coming from a surgeon's family). he was wonderful. his jaw hit the floor when i told him about the drugs i'd been allowed, and right away gave me a 'scrip for darvocet qid and flexeril qid, without flinching! then gives me a card for an orho, and i didn't want to go through that again. in fact, it took me 8 months to get up the nerve to follow through, and that was only because other parts were hurting after i stupidly got on a plane and was in so much misery i humbly borrowed 2 percs for the trip home from my friend.
what i remember from that visit was the sound of the MRI films snicking into the lightbox out in the hallway and a male voice saying "this isn't right" *paper shuffle* "this is really wrong"- that time with irritation. somehow i knew they were my films. i seem to recall there was an angry phone call from the next office, but i'm not sure, he made a lot of angry phone calls on my behalf.
new friends (i hope) not only had i been blatantly misdiagnosed (for 3 years) nobody that looked at those MRIs (if, in fact anyone else ever did) CAUGHT IT. and this man, my hero, threw me back in another MRI, painful as it was by that time, and was ready to do the major back surgery i'd needed in the first place. his first words to ME, were "i can fix your back!" and i sat there and cried.
so, what i'm trying to say, is, if you are able to, get that second or third opinion. if you have an option to change insurance, try that.
sweet jacy, if you are the one stuck with worker's comp, try gathering your records and scraping up enough money to see another doctor.
same to all you... my story is not over yet... but i wanted you to see where i was heading with this!
when i woke up from this surgery (lower legs in little squeezy things and not able to move myself at all in recovery) I STILL FELT BETTER. two days before, i needed a wheelchair to get to check into the hospital. once the orthodist fitted my brace, the PTs and nurses couldn't believe that i was lapping them around the floor. it was amazing. of course so was the morhene pump, but i was under my own power. and a doctor who know i was a drug addict. i also barely used that pump. at least THAT visit...
second opionions. even HMOs allow them, but it takes an act of congress. state medical boards work independently of the insurance companies. i don't remember, but there MAY be one doctor on the panel "watching out" for the insurance company's interests (and yes, i believe you have the same rights if you are on welfare, disability, worker's comp, and/or involved in a lawsuit. the other panel members are INDEPENDENT-- you have 3 doctors, and it's a 2 to 1 vote. the insurance people won't offer you this option, you have to ask them. you can also go directly to your state's medical board. and the insurance folks have to abide by the board's decision.
there ARE ways in a lot of cases were people can live their lives, at least without pain... that's what the RA would have done if their diagnosis had been correct, it burns the nerve endings. maybe this TYPE of thing could help with some of y'alls pain?
sorry i went on so long. i don't meet many people with chronic pain issues. and that little story only took up to 2005.
if i've overstepped any boundries, i'm very sorry. also very sorry if this is stuff you've all heard before. am only trying to help. i've done a lot of studying, been through 3 more different surgeries and a multitude of PT courses. i just turned 50, and a month later was presented with my first grandchild, who i want to be here for. and then there are the bunnies. i would SO love to have a job! i'd love to be off pain meds! i want to clean my house, to run, to cook a full meal without help!
anyway, may the good lord bless you all, and may you all sleep soundly at least one night with hope in your heart!
i feel for you . i have had surgery and have a mass on my spine at c4 to c7 have numbnessand loose feeling in my arms and leggs . i need prayer cause i just know im going to end up in a wheel chair . i had someone call my dr and say i was not taking my meds i was giving them to my 14 year old son who happens to be allergic to most pain meds . now my dr may release me i had someone steal some of my meds so i had try make what i had last and it was not enough when the done a blood test to see what i had in my system . they said i had nothing in my system i know what i had taken should hve been ther but my dr is makeingeen able to me take urine test every other week and counting my meds it makes me mad that someone can find your drs name and call and make you get released . but i know it made me look bad not having enough to show up in my system .
now i ll be in worse pain with the weather been so cold . i feel for you i love the outside and been able to do what i like to do . pray for me and ill pray for you
Hi jacy53--- I'm going to give you a view from the other side of the window--- I don't have chronic pain but my wife does and a lot more. The poor thing has been dealing with this for most her life. She tells me all the time,"you don't understand." And she's rite, I don't because I don't live with it like she does--- jacy53, I've done a lot of reading on the supject of her pain management and have learned that management is not just for her but also for me. --Your motivations may be shot down by all the frustrations of dealing with this but it sounds like you still have a lot of spirit--- I've done almost everything I could do to help my wife enjoy life but you know what?, She's the only one how could figure it out--- jacy53, It sounds like you have a gold mine of grand children. "You're so lucky". I don't have any kids and never well unless I adopt. Maybe those kids can teach you how to play games on the internet with them--- Hope you have a very nice day--- Jambanator.
I can completely sympathize about feeling useless. Not only do I feel useless but I feel like a burden on my kids and the rest of my family just about wrote me off since I'm no longer a part of the working community. My spine was injured by my abusive ex-husband. He managed to damage the cervial and lumber spine in one act of violence. I also suffer from PTSD. Which I'm sure is no surprise to anyone. I have had several surgeries but they did not leave me pain-free. I am on 4 different kinds of meds for the pain and I still have so much pain that I can't walk from point A to point B without extreme pain. I was involved in a car accident in September and it has caused me more pain and weakness. The woman who hit me was not paying attention and she walked away. I was rushed to the hospital. She hit me so hard from the rear that it slammed me into the large SUV in front of me. So I was thrown forward and then thrown backwards. My car was crushed.
They both had minor damage to their vehicles. Now if there are no handicapped spots or u-drive-it carts at the store I cannot shop. Taking a shower is agony for me. My poor kids. I try not to inhibit there normal teenage lives. Of course my house is always a mess because they are teenagers and all I can do is sit and look at it. If I absolutely need to go somewhere I make sure that I do everything I have to do all in the same day so I don't have to suffer so much on several different days. My husband has decided that we can't work things out and that we need a divorce. He has moved in with his mother. Well he did that several months ago and basically said if I want to see him then I need to come there. He lives an hour away. Besides the outrageous gas prices (living on social security isn't much) I am in so much pain that I'm usually very upset with him by the time I get there. I haven't seen him now for three weeks. I think that my condition is too much for him to handle. Even though he is diabled himself, he is still able to get out and go here and there and do things. Many times he wanted me to go with him but I just couldn't. So now all I can do is sit back and watch the world pass me by. I'm so jealous of those who can park anywhere they want and walk to the door. I need to have knee replacement surgery on both knees but can't do it without some kind of help from someone. My oldest daughter is old enough to get her drivers license but it cost 400.00 for drivers ed which is required of everyone under the age of 18. By the time she is 18 I won't be able to walk period. God, my life sucks!! I can completely sympathize with you about everything and then some. So I just wanted to let you know that there are others who can completely understand what you are feeling. Take care.
I know exactly how u feel, i am only 36 years old and have been in pain from one thing or another most my adult life. I used to be so healthy i thought i could do anything, and was up for anything,now however i sit more then doing. There is days i dont even get out of bed, my whole family of 5 kids and a husband spend alot of time in my bed room w me just so i can feel involved. I have had gall bladder, blockage in my legs of 100%, heart, back, hernia ,tubes tired, surgeries. Not to metion the five kids of natural birth. The sad thing is for all but the gall bladder surgery, i had to fight to get a Dr. to help me . I could see and feel something wrong w me but every test they did always came back normal, so they would ship me off in pain and tell me it was all in my head.For my leg surgery, i had pitted adema in my feet and legs so bad i couldnt walk wo my husbands help. The pain was horriable but since i was only 26 years old the Dr. told me i was to young to have blockage.
I had even explained it ran in my family. Once again i was told it was in my head. Finnally when they about killed me with water pills, i refused to leave the Dr.s office untill he agreed to do the surgery. He told me if i had blockage it was one for the books. They found 2 100% blockages in my legs. The same more or less w my heart surgery. It was all in my head . They had no clue why i would just pass out cold. Once again having to refuse to leave , an nurse found a huge hole in my heart where the good blood was going out w the used blood before running through my body causing a lack of o2 to my brain.Once they fixed the problem all the Dr.s was amazed i made it alive through 5 deliveries, Also told me that if i hadnt made them keep looking , i most likely wouldnt have lived 3 more years. Now i am dealing w chronic back and leg pain, that i cant seem to get help w. It has caused me to become depressed and at my limit.
I feel like that all the time but I have to keep in my mind that despite the pain my back causes me all the time I am still walking and can get up and around. My depression is worse when the pain is worse and I know in my heart that I could have it so much worse. I could be paralyzed and not walking. I have to count my blessings all the time. But I feel when I am down and hurting that I am useless as tits on a bull. And I don't like that feeling at all!
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