Do you think I am back to square one with my Subutex/Suboxone detox?

I feel so guilty that I'm driving myself nuts. Just getting through the day is hard enough and all I look forward to is going to bed at night. Mornings are the worst time for me. I wish I could find a doctor who really understands how bad withdrawling from suboxone after 2 years can be. I just feel hopeless. :(

It took me at least a month to start feeling ok having gone cold turkey from tex. I wasn't 100% but it was manageable after a month. It took me 3 weeks to get any sleep! It's a prolonged cold turkey, it takes some serious determination and effort to get through it. But you will definitely see lots of light at the end of the tunnel after a month.
Don't be disappointed with yourself, 17 days of sheer hell is good for anyone, you did well getting that far! But maybe you can go longer if you KNOW you will definitely feel better after 3/4 weeks. It's the not knowing that's painful too hey, the "when will it end" torture..
Like I said I felt better after a month and even better after 5 weeks. During the 6th week I went and used heroin-Dam! This was a few weeks ago and since I had my first dabble I've used it on/off not every day. I had a tiny bit left this morning and have arranged to nip it in the bud as from tonight. No more. I'm likely to suffer a bit of pain but don't expect full on withdrawals-at this early stage it's the psychological withdrawals that are so challenging, but I will not give in. If I carry on using I'll be fu--- in a week or so. But stopping now will mean I'll be pretty much back to normal in a few days. Note I haven't been using tex, I'll never go on that sh-- again...
So, I went through absolute hell going cold turkey from subutex over a 4/5 week period only to go and use again. It's crazy hey. My mind somehow went into auto pilot, forgot all the pain I'd just suffered and drove me to go and score a bag. It's unbelievably evil stuff.
I've been on this merry go round for the past 10 bloody years and every time I get a habit I end up a totally dysfunctional useless prick! I can't and wont go through it all again, I lose everything just for this drug???
Thing is I have a lot going for me but this dam drug somehows overtakes everything...
Anyway, I remember writing a post on this site a few weeks back now, it was my first. I lectured someone about using drugs and that their only option is to stop, no in between..etc I was probably a bit too harsh but being harsh to yourself is the only way you're ever going to change anything. There are few choices: We die a drug addict, we live a drug addicts life or we live a clean life. I know it's so dam hard to stop, but making excuses and crying about it wont make it any easier.
The crazy thing is, for me anyway, doing the cold turkey is nothing compared to abstaining for the rest of your life! Just as I started to feel good it hit me hard, it's like the stuff brain washes me- one minute I'm dead anti drugs, the next I'm scoring a bag!
It's pure evil, I see it as a terminal illness, it never goes away, especially not opiates. We must accept it is going to be there for the rest of our lives and take serious steps to avoid using again.
For me it's just been a constant battle and I always end up the loser. The only way I can win is to not be controlled by the sh... It all just takes such a long time. You can be clean for 5 years, but score a bag, sniff a pill in seconds. Those few seconds of madness will undo years of hard, tortuous work.
This is what we as addicts face. Our only option is to accept it and fight to take back control of our own minds. Not let our lives be dictated and controlled by some nasty evil destructive drug.
You can do the cold turkey, you got to be mentally prepared and have support. Start weaning down straight away but prepare yourself for at least a month of withdrawals (sorry but it's a means to an end..), anything better is a bonus. And I can't see it going any longer than a month. Most are ok during the 4th week.
I've done many cold turkeys, weaning off drugs is not an option for me because I'm still trying to chase the buzz so it just doesn't work! I've wasted so much time so I say to you go for it this time, make it work, this time round, don't waste more time because as you know there is no escaping the pain-the cold turkey is inevitable, but once you get to 4 weeks you will nearly be back to normal and you will feel so much better!
Just remember-once you feel better, that's when the battle really starts.
As for ending it all - Look once you get clean you will look back at all this and think "dam! what was I like back then?" You will change so much, it will no longer be the tex talking, it will be Larsy talking again. You will see everything differently, in a happier light, you will regain your belief in life and you will look back at your tex experience in horror.. It's amazing how much we change when we are clean-you have all that to look forward to! But while that tex has a hold of you, you will forever be a slave to it, forever be controlled by it. Your husband and daughters may as well call you Tex not Larsy..(or whatever your name is you know..)
All the best.

During the time I was on Suboxone, my doctor decided to put me on all of these other bullshit meds for various disorders that I later figured out that I could do without. Many of these meds keep the brain from learning how to cope or adjust on its own. The damn medical community these days (of which I am a part) too often takes the approach of remedying the symptoms with medications, rather than addressing the root/cause of the problem. When I was on Subutex/Suboxone maintainence(16mg/daily), I was also taking Luvox CR 200mg/day (depression/anxiety), Valium 10mg 2x/day (anxiety/RLS), Adderall XR 30mg/day(ADHD) and Keppra XR 1500mg/day (seizures). At some point I realized that I was on more medications than a geriatric cancer patient and something had to change... Getting off the Subutex scared me more than any of the other meds. Over the course of a year I decided to taper off each medication, very slowly, one at a time. I took a month in between each one. Stopping the Adderall caused temporary sluggishness, depression, lack of motivation, and lots of sleep. Valium was the only other med that I noticed much problem getting off. When I tapered off, my rebound anxiety and insomnia was MUCH worse than before I had even started taking the medication, for several months. Getting off the Suboxone was a whole 'nother endeavour... to say the least. All of the research I had done with people who had actually gone through the process indicated that I should come off with a gradual (very gradual) taper. I decided to reduce my CURRENT DOSAGE by 25% every sixth day until I was off completely. Meaning when I was taking 16mg/day I reduced to 12mg/day, when I was down to 4mg/day I reduced to 3mg/day and so on. This was intended to give my body some time to gradually recover, instead of shocking the hell out of it. I didn't notice too much difference in the dosages using this method until I got down to 2mg. In order for me to be able to properly split my pills for accurate dosing, I got my doctor to prescribe me the necessary amount of 2mg Subutex. The 8mg pills are too big to try to break down this small and even then your dosage will not be accurate. I felt like I had a mild flu for a few months and forgot how to sleep for days on end. I was always tired, couldn't sleep, nauseated, diarrhea, no motivation, horrible RLS, muscles sore, and more shit I have probably forgotten. Today I have been off all meds/drugs (legal or illegal) for over a year. Honestly, I feel better than I ever did during any period of my using or taking a shitload of medications. Don't get me wrong, it was hell getting off the Buprenorphine. There's a long, gradual recovery period, it takes a while... like six months to a year from my experience. Even now my brain is still adjusting to having to produce its' own endorphins and learning how to recieve them again. It is still sometimes hard to get pleasure out of many things in life that should be, or used to be pleasurable. With that said, things do get better each week, I can assure you of that. If I had to do it again I believe I would taper the same way... but I never want to go back and I am glad I don't have to take that shit anymore. I hope this helped. Remember that many others have gone through what you are experiencing and they have succeeded, but not without much pain going through the process... don't give up, keep your head up, keep trying, you can do it!