Withdrawal - I have been on methadone maint. for 16 years. Recently, after being seriously f'ed with

There has to be some greater reason, some unfulfilled need in this world that calls out for an answer, something we do not really comprehend, that damands our lives to be so turbulant, so difficult, it is the only way I get through the day is to believe that has to be the explaination. I pray you can find some strength in my humble words , as I do when I read yours, the unbearable suffering, dissapointment and cruelty you have had to live with. No answers do I pocess, for the meaness, the users, thieves, the deceptions ... no dear girl .. no solutions, just love, and a promise that this is not the end, a mear journey, & if your continue to fight thru this journey for what is right, you will find peace, ahhh sweet peace... It is a Promise... God Bless Momma Nancy

I do have some ideas and am putting great effort into discovering a way to communicate to the general public that although we have our faults, like everyone else in this country, we ARE still human beings and deserve the benefits of basic civil liberties. I must admit that this whole thing has worn me down terribly. I already had fibromyalgia and rheumitoid arthritis, which have recently become much worse. In particular, I can see a visible change in the appearance of the joints in my fingers. I'm honestly quite surprised at how quickly this change has been taking place. I believe I've said this before, but I have been very scared as to the physical outcome of this type of severe stress and depression over a period of months. Anywho, I started another maintenance program last week. I have to admit that I feel sorry for this place, as I am somewhat unusual. I gather most clients don't start the program with a methadone addiction unless they're transferring from another clinic. So, they're having a little trouble situating me at a dose that is legally acceptable and also manages to "get the job done". I'm sure it will take some time to establish what that will ultimately be. So far, everyone seems nice and the general environment is less pushy and controlling. I was even allowed to bring my iced coffee into my first group. That's a luxury we lost at the previous clinic, as we collectively could not be trusted with beverages while attending group or individual therapy sessions. After all, we are inconsiderate slobs who lack the basic dexterity to handle a cup or glass properly. Once again sorry for the sarcasm, but this appears to be one of my newly discovered personality traits. I believe it goes along with feeling like a number, rather than a human being. As a matter of fact, I'm seriously thinking of getting my new clinic identification number tatooed on my inner forearm. It's a digit longer than my number at the last clinic, and as I get older, it's becoming a little harder to remember these things. I was thinking I might even try it at home myself, like one of those prison tatoos. I'm too scared to venture into unfamiliar territory, and I don't recall knowing any tattoo artists. Well, it's time to give my newest kitty his final meal of the day. 'Til next time, happy trails to you, until we meet again, keemo7 (Kim)

But I will not let that stop me, I will find that person again, love exists in this world and will not let the pure ugliness that has consumed my life lately stop me from finding it and sharing it again. Please know that I am here for you anytime you need me, I will help you in a heartbeat and not let you down as so many have. At some point my sweet Kimmie we both have to trust again and I say I am ready now, so if you need me, please please let me know. I know you are home most of the time as I am so reach out and I will be here... you can find me dear... God Bless & Good Health W/Love Nancy

Does that mean that we deserve to be treated like something stuck on the bottom of society's boot?! I don't think so!! In this world, people treat you exactly the way you allow them to. By accepting this inhumane treatment, we have accepted that we don't deserve the same consideration as a dog in an animal shelter. At least someone is watching out for them, and actually cares about their well-being. We are the throw-aways of American society, and believe me when I tell you, I'm sick to death of feeling this way, and I plan of doing something about it! Thanks for caring mike28. I hope the fact that I will not pursue a "clean and sober" life does not mean that you are not capable of seeing any good in me at all! What do you think, keemo7

I don't like to judge, as I stated earlier, but belittling yourself as you do makes me understand what you must be going through but it also hurts me to think that a human being, like myself, has come to hate herself/himself so much that talking that way does not affect you. As I said in my earlier note, you are Keemo7, you are unique. Please try to find some good things in your life to stop this downward hatred of yourself. Please keep in touch, as regular as possible. I consider you a friend and I hope you consider me the same. I wish I could hold your hand and help you through this but I can't. We are both going to come out of this somehow, someway. I know it, in my heart.

Mike28

I feel fortunate to have been treated like a human being here, and not just another MM scum-bag. For the first time in my life, I feel as though I have discovered a purpose. This entire episode has brought out the activist in me, and now I'm feeling compelled to expose these clinics for the concentration camps that they are. They are absolutely free to treat us in the most inhumane and deplorable fashion, and of course, we cannot say a word for fear we will be put on warning or, even more terrifying... detoxed. This is a pure case of bullying, and regardless of how miserable some of us may be, it just seems very wrong and indecent to me. But what other type of behavior might one expect in this selfish and greedy world we live in. I'm just trying to keep my head above water here. Once again, thank you Mike, for caring about a total and complete stranger. Maybe sometimes it's easier to care about people you know you'll never have to reveal yourself to. Thanks Mike, for trying to help. I really do appreciate your thoughts and comments, keemo7

I know that just having you to talked to has helped me through some of the tremors, and sleepless nights that I experience as I lower the dose off Fetanyl that I am taking. I will probably lower it to 25 on Monday and quit altogether on Friday. God I am scared. I hope you are around a lot on Friday, Saturday and maybe even Sunday to talk me through it. I understand that it will be 3-4 days of living hell. Nothing you have gone through but in any case, living hell. I don't know why doctors don't tell us what we are getting into before they start on this shit and continue to increase the doses blindly going nowhere and hoping it gets people like me out of their way.

Life is hard enough, but when you feel this disgusted with yourself, you might as well hang it up! I wish I had a time-traveling machine, so I could go back and rip Harry Anslinger a new one! If you don't know who he is, look him up... what a self-righteous A-hole! Anyway, if it hadn't been him, it would have been someone else I guess. Presently, I am waiting to get on the next clinic. This is an interesting experience, as I'm having to do things I normally wouldn't in order to prevent withdrawals. I'm an old-fashioned druggie, and since my hey-day, there are plenty of new and much stronger drugs that I've had no experience with... until now! That's another thing I can thank the last clinic for... broadening my drug usage... what a FAVOR!! Obviously, I'm feeling a bit sarcastic, but all of this has definitely had a huge impact on me and how I'm viewing the world. I actually was one of the few clients on the last clinic that thought the staff was trying to HELP us. What a naive idiot!! I used to wonder why clients died so frequently there. I think I now have a much more clear picture of the entire situation. Anyway, I've had enough, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!! I will be here for you anytime you want to talk. Hang in there Mike. I am very much hoping that you can do what I will NEVER do. At this point, I just want to live out the remainder of my days as pleasantly as I possibly can... why the hell not?! I'm here Mike, and I'm not going anywhere, keemo7 PS: Does anyone know where/how Gwen 1782 is?

I'm actually scared of the internal damage I believe has taken place due to extreme stress and depression. I my look OK, but I feel about 12 years older. It's a little scary to imagine what's been going on physically, as I skip days of eating, and other important bodily functions. I hope one of the staff from the last clinic (ATCNE) is reading this. I'm sure that last comment will make their day. It's always nice to make someone happy... somewhere. Anyway, I'm here and wishing you success. Hang in there buddy, I do believe you'll get this done! Later, keemo7

I have a wife and 3 children and a new Grandson, November 10, 2009. He's adorable but I haven't been able to enjoy him as much as I would like thanks to this f'en medication shit. I am also in my mid fifties. I only tell you this because you did give some personal information in your last comment.

God Bless and may he help you through this

Mike

I think it's quite logical and useful. Look it up, and see for yourself. I'm thinking of you, and hoping you are succesful in taking care of yourself in the way you see fit. Have you ever asked yourself if life really has to be this difficult and miserable? I wish I had a dime for every time that thought has crossed my mind. Hang in there Mike, and please do keep in touch, keemo7

I think I am going after the Canadian Health Services to find out why there is nothing in place to help people like me ween off the drugs that doctors supplied. Especially without warning the patient off the downsides. Both while taking the drug and after when you no longer want to be brain mush and want off it. So, I think I am well on my way to leaving the Fetanyl Patch behind forever. This doesn't mean I will forget about you. You are one of the reasons I was able to do this and get through this. God Bless you and please always remember you have a friend out hear who cares about you and your addictions. You can call on me anytime you like, FOR SURE!

Mike

I can only hope that others are finding this type of life-changing experience right here where we have. You now have a special place in my heart. I can't wait to hear all the stories you'll be telling me about how much your wife, children, and grandchildren will be enjoying their new relationships with their very special husband, dad, and grampie. You are a shining example of courage and will-power, and I feel very blessed to have had this opportunity to know you. Thanks Mike, keemo7

Wednesday is just around the corner, please don't do anything foolish before then. I still have withdrawal symptoms and need you, probably forever.

Mike

Please just remember, I think of you frequently, and just knowing that you haven't yet, and will not give up on this super challenge keeps me from drowning in my own vat of garbage. Keep doing whatever you're doing to continue in the right direction. You'll probably hear from me tomorrow. I think I'm going to cut out for the night. I can't thank you enough Mike, for allowing me to be a tiny part of your program. I'll be thinking of you, keemo7

IT"S STORY TIME... TRUE STORY Very close to me.

I have a friend, he and his wife have 2 beautiful daughters and a very handsome son. He works in the auto industry and she owns a small diner. The whole family works the diner. The one girl cooks with Mom and the son. The other daughter is a waitress. This is a natural for her because of her beauty and beaming attitude, every customer that enters the place feel like their at home. Well, the waitress daughter had a secret. She was diagnosed as a manic depressant at 9 years of age and border line scitso frenic, Pardon the spelling. She has been treated professionally since her diagnoses, 3 years ago she gave her mother a kiss good night and went to bed. A few minutes later mom her a thud on the floor only to find her daughter passed out on the floor with a needle sticking out of her arm. Apparently she had been using heroin, I think that what it was, to help her with her depression because the doctors had no clue how to treat her. She died in the hospital a few hours later. She was 21 years old.
Everyone was shocked, this beautiful young lady was a junkie, a scum bag. I hit the roof. These people were judging this sweet little girl without knowing what her life was about. These were professional people, doctors, nurses, teachers all those that should no better than to judge. I ended up getting the local paper in town to do a little story about Manic Depressants and the challenges they face every day and the sweet little waitress was the theme. Then Dad decided to do a fish dinner fund raiser for a local charity. There were tickets sold and the fish was ordered. In a matter of two hours the rest of the family and some volunteers, I did dishes, sold over 700 LBS. of Haddock, flown in from New York, and raised a whopping $23,000.00 after non charitable expenses. I wander how many people 700LBS. of haddock will feed.
This fund raiser is held every year at Deb's Diner on what would have been the sweet young ladies birthday and the money raised is higher every year.
So, I guess if people know the reason your a user publicly or not, someone and a lot of someone's will understand. Hell, I do and I've only known you a short time.

God Bless,

Mike28

You should write a book, so stop belittling yourself when it comes to just how much you were able to help me. It speaks in magnitudes of the friendship we have developed.
Also, which I forgot, I have been weening off the Lyrica. This caused symptoms that I thought were related to the Fentanyl. The constant burning of my lower legs and feet. Keeping them warm did not help. Of course, keeping things warm because of the constant muscle contraction, from the Fentanyl, was a help. This in turn only caused the burning to get worse. I didn't figure this out till last night. So, I took a cool bath took off all the warm clothes and tried to stay cool. It has seemed to work. Now, a couple of days of detox from the lyrica and things should be getting better.
I haven't communicated in a while since the detox symptoms started again on Friday and I did not relax until last night. But, I did sleep 12 HRS. Realizing that the burning pain was caused by the detoxing from the Lyrica has given me much more hope that this will be over very soon. I am sure that I have finished detoxing from the fentanyl.
Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Please continue to talk to me and be my friend, I don't ever want to forget about you and I am always interested in what is happening with you. I know from experience how devastating your disease is so do what you must, drug wise, but please don't shut me out for too long.

Mike

I believe I'm starting to see that some people have a special gift for reaching out to others and revealing a true and unselfish part of what must be referred to as that intangable thing called a soul. All I know is that you two in particular have changed not only the way I look at people in general, but the way I feel about them as well. Not everyone is like my mother or like that clinic. You've shown me that there are people out there who honestly care about others and have a very human need to "reach out", even when they aren't doing/feeling very well themselves. I just feel so honored to see that in action on a daily basis right her on this website! Love to you both, and everyone else who has taken time from their important life who put effort into thinking about and helping others like me, keemo7

I honestly think that of all the billions of people in the world, a certain percentage of them need these types of drugs to function on a daily basis and allow themselves some contentment. You are fortunate to still be young. Believe me, the longer you have to deal with these issues, the harder it becomes. I've known quite a few people who believe they are "bad" because they take drugs. The way I see it, why should we be made to feel so guilty because we need to take certain type of drug. You don't see diabetics being made to feel bad about themselves for taking insulin. I don't know if you are familiar with NA or AA. They have a saying that I believe to be extremely accurate: "Acceptance is the answer to all your prayers". As I said before, I believe that you and your husband need to have a very serious conversation and disect your motives for doing what you're thinking about doing. If you are interested in learning more about suboxone, you can look it up right here. Also, there's a member of this site named Robert(_325?). He is quite knowledgeable on the subject of suboxone. If you ever want to talk... I'm here, keemo7

Its really nice to talk to someone who has been down this road and can really help me out because sometimes when you go and talk to councelors they have never done the drug and dont know how it actually is to live like this. I feel like i need to be really strong and ive decided to just quit next weekend i will be down to 30 mg i know its not going to be easy i have withdraweled so many times off h and oxys and i used to take suboxen but it just didnt do it for me and i dont want to get hooked on anything

Look for a local doctor who has been trained in "Office-Based Opioid dependance Treatment" or "OBOT". It would be nice if you could consult with your own psychiatrist or physician about this idea. Think about it please, keemo7

So i just decided to sit in the parking lot and wait because i was soooooooooooooooooo mad i have been clean for a year and she wouldnt give me my take homes!!! So finally i talked to her on the phone after i had been waiting an hour for her appointment to get out and i was sooooooooo late for work,and i asked her if i could have my take homes and she kept sayin well just come in tomorrow and we will discuss how and why you want to quit comin i was so freakin mad its not just a ten minute trip for me!Its a two hour trip in all and they already gave my husband his take homes so i had to drive there all by myself!!! Plus ever since i told them i was quitting they treat me like sh**! im sooooooooooo done!!! Anyway enough about that. My husband is doing really well i will tell you how it goes,bri

There is a small, highly functional group of clients who are made to feel so embarrassed and ashamed that they don't want to let anyone know they are on a clinic, so they just get their dose and keep their mouths shut and their eyes closed. Then there is the larger group who are trying to "get-over" or take advantage of the system. Finally there are the clients who have seen it all and have been thoroughly beaten-down into submission by a system that has been put in place to supposedly help them. In my opinion, the entire system needs to be carefully disected and serious changes must take place. My husband always referred to the clinic as a dentention camp. He wasn't on it and could not believe the way they ultimately treated me and other clients I was friendly with. I believe this is a civil rights issue and we're trapped in a cycle of abuse and self-loathing. Honestly, at this point I am so disgusted by the stories I've been hearing, that before I die I'm going to do anything in my power to let the big secret out, anyway I can!! I think it's time for all of us to speak up and let society know about this abusive treatment. I hate to think that nobody out there cares!

He thinks we just were on a low enough dose that it wont be so bad.He said hes used to coming off heroin and so am i that ive done it many times before i will be able to do it again.I will keep you updated on how we do so far so good!!! (: Thanks for everything, bri

either I would die from it, or it would stop me from thinking about all the things that completely and totally depressed me. So I found the guy I was looking for, bought some acid, went home and up the stairs directly to my bedroom, which along with the bathroom, were my two favorite hiding places. (The bathroom was good because we were allowed to lock that door only.) After that day, I took acid or THC at least once a day, every day, by myself for the following two years. Though I had started drinking alcohol during my parents many parties when I was very young and had been smoking pot for a couple of years, I consider this two-year period, as the beginning of my serious drug use. I'm quite sure there are many people who have similar stories, and probably a lot end up right where I did... on a methadone clinic! Anyway, sorry for the long detour, but now that I don't do much but think about all this, I believe I would have died a long time ago if I hadn't found some relief in taking narcotics (especially methadone). I really haven't been interested in any other drug in over 20 years, because this has been the one that helped me to maintain a very functional and relatively happy lifestyle. Now that everything has changed, and all the years of damage have been done to my body, I know that I will not have to kill myself, as it's going to happen naturally... which is fine. OK, now that I've said all of that, think about your past, and history of drug use... when you started taking drugs and why you started taking them. As I've said before, in my opinion, there is a certain segment of society who actually require this drug in order to have any quality of life. I can't for the life of me figure out why people in general are so preoccupied with the desire to get "everyone" off of drugs!! Who decided that this was the only way to live with self-respect or dignity?! If nobody was supposed to be taking these things, they wouldn't exist. I do believe there is a vast difference between the people who take drugs to "party", and the people who take drugs to "have a life". My clinic therapist used to encourage me to detox off of the clinic because my life was in such good order, and I never had a dirty urine. I asked her once why she felt such a strong desire to see me get off the clinic... what was so bad about taking methadone? She said that she didn't think there was anything wrong with taking methadone, but that she hated to see very functional, basically happy, and productive people having to be a part of that degrading system. We would often talk about this, and I finally told her that I believed she was makinjg a serious mistake by encouraging not just myself, but her other highly-functional clients to detox of the program. This was last summer, when I was almost finished detoxing. My reality started to slap me right in the face, and I found myself starting to feel exactly the way I did when I was 13 years old! I asked her to think about it this way... in some cases, the only reason we are so highly-functional, happy, and productive, is that we ARE on MM. It's the basic foundation that holds us together and that we are able to build our lives upon. Of course there are many people who can successfully detox off of methadone maintanence, but there are also a few that need it for their entire lives. Does that make us SO BAD?! Sorry to go on and on like that, but as I said before, I don't have a lot of other things I'm thinking about... and I am only13 years old. keemo7

You and your husband are at one of the most critical life decisions you will ever make. I would highly recommend that you speak with professionals about a program of detox, and have a doctor or medical facility to turn to if things get too rough. You need to be prepared for whatever is going to surface. Also... keep in mind, that there is ALWAYS the hospital emergency area. There are many things these days that they can give you, that will really help. Do you have decent insurance, and have you considered an inpatient facility? Use your computer!! You will not believe all the answers it has for you. Please be thoughtful about your choices now, keemo7

If there was some way i wouldnt have to pay for methadone i might still take it but there is no way unless i want to live in this apartment for the rest of my life and never have anything.It really sucks there is no other way to get it i dont know how addicts pay for it i really dont!I have to stop though i dont have a choice i dont have the money!I have horrible anxiety problems i have a very hard time going places unless im with someone and even then i get anxiety if i have to talk to someone!!! I dont think im bad for using drugs i was sexually abused multiple times as a little girl and i got into drugs that made me feel better about myself and not worry about my past i know people get into drugs for reasons like my own and i know methadone is a life saver it saved mine. But what do you do when you cant pay for a medication that you need? I guess you have to quit and try to make the best of it and thats what im trying to do im trying to be very positive about the whole thing and tell myself i can do it and i dont have to be on methadone to be happy. Otherwise im not going to make it... So i guess i just answered my own real question its not going to be easy to get off but its my only choice so ive got to make the best of it i have other people than myself to think about i have a three year old who i adore and would do anything for even if it means quitting methadone. i want her to have a better life than i did and i will do anything to make that happen! I guess people just scared me to death about quitting so much that i mentally thought maybe its not possible but my husband just did it and i know i can do the same i am very strong and we will get through this together it will be something we have to work at everyday but as time goes by things will get better. Thanks for the support, Bri.

You are my shining ray of hope, and I'm so very, very proud of you both!! Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I sincerely hope you will continue. Love, Kim (keemo7)

We have deer and wild turkeys that come up in the backyard. I have 5 dogs, 5 cats and 8 chickens. I've had everything from iguana, hedgehog, horses, cows, my milk goats, and even a pot bellied pig. I worked for a vet for 7 years til I had to get out of it for health reasons and also to get away from temptations of helping myself to the meds. I helped rehabilitate wildlife for awhile til I caught psittacosis from the birds. That changed my life forever. Horrible disease. My dream had always been to rehabilitate birds of prey but I'm scared of them now because of the psittacosis. Anyway, if I can help you or you just need to talk, I'm here. I wish I had found this website a long time ago. I'm also in my 50's, 53 to be exact. I have been abusing drugs since I was 13 years old, the whole gammut. I loved the old hippie days. So it is hard to unlearn 40+ years of behavior. I think we addicts are the type who like instant gratification and instant solutions to everything and the hardest thing for me is to accept that these things just take time. I hope you have a good day today. Peace.

And because I rarely leave my house, I cannot build a relationship with a new doctor in the hopes that he/she might eventually write me a prescription. My psychiatrist called a pain clinic about me, but they said they don't want to get involved with someone who has a history of addiction/abuse. I have found one source for buying methadone, but it costs $1.00 a milligram. So some days I take none, some days I take 20 mgs., some days I take no methadone but take a couple of my husbands percs (which I hate by the way as there really is only one thing I've ever found that has taken care of all my issues). Once or twice a week, I'll take 80-100mg, but that doesn't even provide me with relief anymore For me there really is no substitute for methadone, and there really is no way for me to continue doing what I'm doing. I'm glad for you that you have found comfort in believing in something, but as far back as I can recall, I've never been able to believe in anything. It's not possible when my entire life has been so difficult from the start. As kid, I would find relief in cutting and burning myself, and pulling off my fingernails. That's even lost it's power for me. I guess I'm what you would call a hopeless case. Obviously, the balanced lifestyle I had found could not continue. I just wasn't prepared for such an abrupt ending. Especially considering how well I did on the clinic. I never had a dirty urine in all those years bu th couldn't find a way to work with me or help me. I'm in the midst of giving stuff away to people who I see around the neighborhood in the hopes of clearing out my existance. I do have the animals to think about, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. What do you do when you have animals who depend on you, but you have nothing to give them except for food and a roof over their heads? I'm feeling especially bad about this because I've always tried so hard to provide my animal friends with alot of love and care. I'm trying to take this in an orderly way and not be irresponsible. Oh well, woe is me right?! keemo7

I think you have to just deal with it. You KNOW you will feel better... now, make yourself believe it. I know it's hard, but you have to try to stay positive. You're pulling yourself up out of a hole, it's going to take awhile to reach ground level. Then, anything is possible! Good luck, keemo7

I hope you find what your looking for and just wanted to tell you how helpful the Suboxone has been for me. I had ruined my health, my marraige and almost all my relationships and had withdrawn into a shell. I was about ready to commit suicide in January and to be where I am now is unbelievable. I never thought I could be happy w/o my drugs,I have alot of pain issues too, but I have found joy in life again and it is outstanding. Good luck to you!!!