... a day. He has agreed to go for suboxone treatment which is set to start next week, he is still living out of our home. I recently sustained a fractured foot and have to stay home , thats not the problem the problem is my husband he constantly lies and is sneaky, he refuses to answer my calls, and will only text me whe he feels like it, this is driving me crazy . He also blames me and my grown children for all the problems and also why he takes drugs. His behavior is driving me crazy is this normal?
We have been married 17 years, I feel so low and down. Is this hopeless should i just continue to help him and watch whats left of my self esteem go down the toilet, or do I run. I really need help with this someone.
D
Drug Dependence - I recently kicked my husband out for being addicted to percocet, he takes about 30
Question posted by Dawn27 on 9 Nov 2009
Last updated on 9 March 2021 by bugfrogmom
7 Answers
bugfrogmom
9 March 2021
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are both good support groups for family members, and AA and NA are good for the substance abusers. Please don’t confuse Nar-Anon with Narc-Anon, as they are two totally different organizations. Someone in the comments above mentioned Narc-Anon, but maybe they meant Nar-Anon. Narc-Anon is run by Scientologists, so I would avoid it.
Lil Stevie
29 June 2010
There isn't a lot more that needs to be said then what has already been posted by the great people on this site.Here are a few things to be on the lookout for
You can't help him period. You can try to get him help but you will soon tire of that. I would say that you have to decide if its worth putting up with his lies. I don't mean to be personal but make sure you are protected should you be intimate with him. I won't say anymore on that subject.
I would also make sure that you have control over the finances and if thats not possible you need to open up some seperate accounts and build up your own credit.
If he is getting the drugs from a doctor then you should call the doc. He will ,your husband that is, be royaly pissed at you but no doc will continue prescribing with that activity going on. He , the doc, wants to keep his prescription pad and the DEA looks for Doc's that will allow that behavior to go on.
If he is getting them on the street and you are prepared for the outburst contact the police and have him followed. I would save that for when you are burnt totaly out as he will not forgive you for that.
The bottom line as has been said is how far do you want to go to save the marrige. There are places that do interventions. He will come home one day and the family will be there along with someone that is prepared to take him to detox. He either goes to detox or goes out the door. Again there is NOTHING you can do for him. He has to own up to his problem , accept that he is out of control and be willing to do what needs to be done. I have to say that it sounds like you are much more invested in this relationship than he is. Is that what you want?
You know what needs to be done and i am not saying this to be mean but it is time you put your big girl pants on and dealt with the situation as you know it should be.
My prayers are with you. I hope mit works out and i would appreciate it if you woulf let me know how it is going every now and then.
Steve
terry120635
28 Feb 2010
I diffinately would not tolerate it at all. When he cleans up his act and gets clean, then he can come back, period.
teal
25 Jan 2010
yes very normal! He has to want to get help,and his addiction is NOT your fault. I've been through this with someone(not married)and I did everything thing in my power to help him,and i believed so MANY lies,talk about sneaky,omg,i fell for so many lies so many times i felt like stupid,but i eventually would catch him. It got to the point that i had to leave,i told him he had to go to rehab,and thats when it got real bad,he was abusive and would scare me to death,i stayed because i couldnt leave,well,i could,but he always followed,hours of screaming at me,i got blamed for him running out of gas,et cetera et cetera,and it's normal,i went to therapy for it,and i was told an addict will do and say anything,but to be fair,he really couldnt help it,its a disease really.
he however was on heroin,oxys,you name it,he did it,but finally he went to rehab,good for him!!! I could tell you so so much more,but it comes down to this,he needs rehab,therapy,you both get therapy together,and you have to decide if this is what you really want,i mean,17 years is alot of time and memories,et cetera,and if you decide it's really what you want,then you hang in there and by him,BUT he has to want help as well,and as far as him blaming you,its not you,i got blamed for everything,the dumbest things,but i learned so much when i went to therapy,all the patterns and all the things they say and do are very common. jeez,if you want you can private me,and ask me anything you wish,no matter how personal and i will answer anything,i've been through it all,and i know what your going through,what he's going through,how hard and confusing it is,et cetera.
im sure this wasnt much help,but like i said,if you have anything you want to ask,just ask me,other wise i could sit here and write a book,lol,there are so many details to this. I really feel for you so much,because i know myself by experience what your going through,thinking,wondering,hurting,et cetera,it's so hard when you are in love with an addict,but dont lose hope,he can recover and over come this and you both can go to therapy and get back everything you had,it just takes time,and like i said,he has to want to go,that i know for sure,i learned alot from therapy at rehab. anyway,i wish you luck,and email anytime if you want:)
faeriegurl
25 Jan 2010
As an addict, here is my opinion:
It sounds like he has issues other than the drug use. Even when I was at my lowest point, I never blamed others for my drug use. So that's a separate issue that he has.
Lying, stealing, cheating, and being just generally inconsiderate are part of addiction. He will do these things as long as he is using drugs, and he will continue to do these things until he learns a new way of life.
He cannot get off the drugs for anyone but himself. If he does it for you or your kids, he will go right back to it.
But the most important thing is that you take care of yourself. Someone mentioned Alanon and Naranon and that's a really good idea. They teach you how to take care of yourself while having an addict in your life, and how to not be codependent.
If I was in your place the drug use wouldn't be my greatest concern, though that may seem absurd to you because it IS such a huge deal. I would be concerned about the fact that a grown man blames others for his problems. THAT'S scary. Before you disregard me because you can't believe I said that, read on...
Whether or not he stops using drugs, he has to own up to his own problems. If he stops taking drugs and you take him back but he is still blaming others for his problems, RED FLAG. He will just go back to the drugs because anytime you make him upset (not that you can MAKE him feel anything, but he WILL blame it on you) then he can use drugs again and not feel guilty about it and not take responsibility for it because he can just blame you.
So sure, give him another chance if it really seems like he's changed. a 17-year marriage is not something to be thrown away without serious effort at repairing it first. But if he's going to continue to blame others for his mistakes and his addiction and his actions, then LET HIM GO.
DadsWatchinU
9 Nov 2009
RUN DAWN RUN! I say this because I know this is not the first chance you have given him now is it??? No I bet this is chance number 89 or 105 huh?? I can tell you from experience that a drug addict will not change until they either (1) Decide they no longer want drugs in their life & seek professional help or (2) Hit absolute rock bottom, and by this I mean, no friends, no family, no job, no money, pretty much nothing and then they may still use the system or a loved one that gives in to fake trying to bet healthy just to sneak right back to get their buzz on their pills, bud, needles, alki, whatever. YOU CAN NOT HELP HIM !!! HE HAS TO WANT HELP that is my point dear... and apparently he is not ready, please dont let him continue to drag you down with him. You still have a life left, grown children left, maybe grandchildren huh? He need help and has to want that help and as a women you are used to fixing everything right?? Guess what?? you cant fix this! Run Dawn Run...
He has had enough chances..Tell him..no more..pills or me..or get the hell out of my life... I HATE DRUGS ... THEY RUIN LIVES... AND GROWN MEN WHO CANT CHOOSE THEIR FAMILY OVER DRUGS DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE THEIR FAMILYS!!! Sorry ... you deserve better..I deserve better... We all do... Addiction is an awlful thing but for crying out loud, cant he choose a women he loves over a dam pill??? Think about that?? shit tell him... me or the pills!!! "Final answer!"
Inactive
9 Nov 2009
Either find a counselor or go to a support group for the loved ones of addicts like AL anon or Narc anon. AL anon will be much easier to find, it is annonymous, virutally free and their will be other people with family and loved ones who are addicts vs alcoholics. You need some emotional support so that you don't believe the awful things you are being told by your husband. A counselor can also help. Hang in there and let us know how you are doing.
Related topics
percocet, suboxone, drug dependence, opiate dependence
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