| || |
My Ongoing Story
First of all I would like to take the time to thank this site and the people of this site. You guys...for making this possible. I'm new here, but I'm happy we live in a time where we can express ourselves freely in an environment of anonymity, where others can become more than anonymous strangers, and actually help each other through tough times with stories, advice, or what have you. And for anyone who decides to read this, your time spent doing so will not go, without true appreciation. I mean that.
Improvise is the name...Opiates is my game. But before i get into that, I want to briefly tell you about myself. I'm 23 years old, turning 24 in a couple of months. I just had a baby boy who will be turning 4 months in a little less than two weeks. He is my first child, and my love for him is unexplainable. He is the true reason I exist. And for him, i would do anything. I just wish he could tell me to stop himself, but he's too busy smiling, drooling, and teething everywhere. But...in an unexplainable way, he is actually is the one who motivates me to seek a better understanding of what I'm dealing with. And so now I find myself here. Thank you son.
My story may or may not be like yours but for the short time I've been on here, I've read quite a few inspirational recoveries. And so it begins...or ends, for that matter. Lord willing...
It all started when i was 19 years old on vacation visiting some very close relatives. I don't mean they were literally relatively close proximity wise, but in a sense that they are undoubtedly part of my immediate family. I love them like no other. My cousin, who also happens to be my God sister, whom I love like she is actually my sister, was starting up a new feel good regimen. We're very close...we pretty much know everything about each other. We were born 6 months apart and have been together ever since, until she moved a thousand miles away when we were both about 14 years old. It was a beautiful summer night and I was enjoying my time with my family. We had ordered pizza and even played a little Monopoly, haha, yes very throwback, I know. When out of nowhere she asks me if I wanted to try a pill. Me being me, and her being her, I didn't even have to think twice. This is my sister, of course I'm going try it. And before I go on I have to say that I don't blame her for anything. Free will is free will. So I decided to try it out. It was a 7.5 mg generic Vicodin. I took it no problem. Keep in mind that I have never popped a pill in my life. I have been smoking trees since i was 14 though, and I remember her giving me hell about that. Even though now whenever we get together we always smoke a couple blunts, funny huh? But back to the pill, it took a little while to hit me but when it did, it felt very unfamiliar for obvious reasons but I must say I enjoyed it. Until 15 minutes later when I ran into the bathroom and threw up all my pizza. From that moment, it was a couple years before I tried them again.
I was about 21 when I decided to try them again. And yes it was with her. And I was loving it. She gave me my own special stash with 5 mg, 7.5 mg, and 10 mg Vicodin. I was still new to the game so I was barely touching my bag. I'd take a 5 or 7.5 here and there, really nothing too alarming. But then of course, a little while later, I was taking the 10 mg Vicodin. And at my max, 15 mg at a time. I did this for about the 3 weeks I stayed there. On the third to last day of my vacation I started to get a little sick. Slight fever, sore throat, you know the deal, the usual suspects. Keep in mind I was still using the Vicodin while i was sick that day, but the next day my symptoms flared up and I decided to just stop taking them. With absolutely no reason behind it. I just decided to stop, it was fun, but that's it. She then warned me that I might have withdrawals but I really didn't think much of it. On my last day there, I was feeling like S#!%. I was dying to catch my flight back home and lay in my own bed. I got home and my fever got worse...the whole nine. I was sick for a week when i finally decided to go see my Doctor. I told her my symptoms, and she did her Doctor thing, and gave me some shots that were supposed to help. And they did. I felt a little better. From that day on I started to feel more and more like myself. But regardless, I was "sick" for about 2 weeks. Now looking back, there's no doubt in my mind that I was going through flu like symptoms mixed in with the worst withdrawals I had every experienced, unknowingly of course. From then on, in my city, I would find an occasional 4 to 5 pills...7.5 mg or so, and have a nice weekend. There was nothing to it. I wasn't on it long enough to develop a dependency this time.
This went on 'til i turned 23 last year. I was visiting my family once again and my cousin already had my stash ready without me even asking. I started at about 15 mg at a time and then eventually to 20 mg. Taking 15 or 20 mg twice or three times a day. Then it was time to go back home. I got back home, I had a lot going on with my friends but i just wasn't up to it. I was depressed, I missed my family like never before. I didn't even think about the pills, not once. Just my family. I was unfocused and wasn't myself for about a week. And in retrospect, one could say that I was just going through withdrawals again, only this time i didn't really have any physical symptoms. Fast forward to 2012 and I managed to get myself a prescription for 10 mg/325 Vicodin. 240 pills. 5 refills. It is now June 11th, 2012. I've been out of my pills for the past 5 days including today. I managed to grab a couple Percocets on Thursday, (The day I ran out), and a couple more the next day. Today is now Monday and from then until now has been the worst withdrawals I have ever experienced. At this very moment I'm restless, I have no appetite, I haven't had an appetite since Thursday, and I've lost about 5 pounds. I managed to find some Lorazepam for my Restless Legs, which actually helped with my RLS, but I still couldn't sleep more than 40 minutes tonight. It is now 5:54 AM and I'm sitting here typing. It actually feels therapeutic in some way. And according to my timeline, I'm only at the tip of Day 3 considering I managed to find those Percs on my original Day 1 and Day 2.
Now this is where it gets interesting. I'm actually feeling about 10% better than i did yesterday. Which to me, is astounding. Although I still feel like I'm dying. I'm appreciating the pain I'm going through. It's sort of a life lesson in a sense. Yesterday was the worst I've ever experienced. I literally had water in my eyes. A grown man on the verge of crying because of repercussions of a seemingly harmless little pill. Which we all know otherwise. But there are a few things that I decided to mention last. Tomorrow at midnight, I will be eligible to pick up my last refill. That's another 240 pills. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't counting the seconds until I got my hands on them. But, now that I've written all this down, I seriously am debating whether I want to or not. But I mean...who wouldn't want to hop back on the wave we all know and love? It feels good damn it. But now that I've typed this up, I truly feel differently. It's crazy...I haven't even gotten a response from anyone, let alone even posted this. That must be a good sign right???
I spoke to my cousin yesterday and told her what I've been going through. She told me I was scaring her because she herself is still dependent and is scared to take the leap. Keep in mind that she's been at this a lot longer than I have. Her doses, and number of doses a day...hurts me to say this...is about 4 times as much as mine. I understand her fear. I truly do. But now I'm starting to think of the possible outcomes of my situation, and her's as well. I could say F!#% it and keep the ride going. Or...I could become the driver, instead of being the passenger to this seemingly ironic experience. And I say this because most of us initially begin taking these to help mask the pain, when in reality, we're cutting to a deeper pain than we were to begin with. It's really something to think about. And now that I'm coming to my conclusion, I feel as if I'm ready. I'm ready to make a change, and hopefully promote a change in others some day. Just my two cents. Just my ongoing story. God bless.
Hey Improvise- I completely understand what you're going through.. Especially staring at that refill right in the face. I vividly remember times when I ran out of my Vitamins- Had no way of getting my hands on them- Then when they became available I felt whole again (at least I thought that's what whole was supposed to feel like)- I counted the seconds off the clock until I got my hands on them. Once I got them I would just convince myself that once this batch ran out I would just stop- That battle went on for about 5-6 years. I'm not going to say for the entire duration of those years I had those battles- Because there were times where I literally felt that I would do them forever- I would die/kill myself using these pills. What rational person thinks that way?
Yes- We all know how good they feel- Yes- Riding the wave can be fun- However-- Opiates are not something to be taken lightly. I've yet to meet a person who can use them once in a while and then not go back to them. I'm sure there may be people out there like that but that wasn't me. If you've read my posts on here you've seen that I became 110% dependent on them. They became apart of my life as much as breathing was- I couldn't live without them.
Please- Don't get to that point- For the sake of you and your new son.
If your cousin values what you think- You may want to offer her help as well- However- She is going to have to want to make that leap in her own life. There are ways to get help for it- She can find a lot of answers on this site.
I'm on day 15 of my recovery process- I've escaped from my self-created prison and I feel better now than when I was using. The happiness I'm feeling now is real- The wave I'm riding now is real- The happiness I used to feel- The wave I used to ride- Was all artificial!
Be strong my friend- And don't Improvise- Be sure about it- Nothing is worse than a self-crated prison.
Keep us Posted-
Impro, the question is have you had enough pain? That is the only reason we quit, it ain't fun anymore. If it was still fun I would still be out there, but the good times stop. This is not a weakness you are dealing with a disease. If you really want to stop the help is here we all have been where you are at some point. If it didn't get better none of us would still be clean/sober. I spent over 30 years out there and I can tell you it will not get better only worse with continued use.
Strongly suggest AA/NA meetings their support is vital. You have already built tolerance so the amount you use is going to have to go up to get the same effect then they quit working because stops producing the necessary chemicals.
The help is here if you want it Good Luck Surfdog
Tags for this Thread