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Perplexed & Withdrawn
Perplexed & Withdrawn
I hope everyone is having a better day today. I'm new. I found this site after reading over a Lexapro board.
I had to do something because 30 minutes ago, a recurring incident triggered a hard crying spell. Such spells, thoughts of suicide or disappearing (starting a new life elsewhere) were very persistent for eight dark months. When the suicidal thoughts became overbearing, I went to see my doctor.
I've been taking 10 mg of Lexapro since February or so. I've experienced the "normal" side effects of the drug but mild short term memory loss is still lingering. So, I can't quite remember exactly when I started Lexapro. Anyway, Lexapro is definitely helping. The obsession over a painful breakup is gone (worrying about what went wrong, why, blame, etc.). I'm performing better at my job now than I have in a while. There is one major part of my life that's still not quite 'fixed' yet.
While I do feel like my old (good) self again on Lexapro, my social interaction is still nearly non-existent. Since the ending of my eight year relationship two years ago, I'm still pretty withdrawn. I've dated a few times immediately after the breakup, but the men exhibited some downright disrespectful behaivor. So, I retreated into my home. I'm indoors most of my days. Sometimes I love being single and feel so relieved to be home after work. On some days, I feel lonely for a few minutes and then it passes.
In the past two months, three gentlemen expressed an interest in getting to know me. I just can't bring myself to go back out and date. I have cool conversations with them but I turn down their offers to go out. I almost enjoy being by myself, exploring my city alone, and dining alone over being with someone else. I'm very perplexed as to why I do this. How can I want to be loved but not want to be loved?
I'm the definition of introversion. So, meeting new people is exhausting to me. I'm not very good at it either. I feel like the people I do know perceive me as a bore. They make all kinds of plans, tell me about them, and don't extend the invitation. I've been told, though, that I'm funny and fun to be around. When I make plans, I invite a few people alone and each time, I've been turned down. I don't talk about depressing things or how I'm feeling when I'm with people at all. I don't want to subject anyone to that especially when they won't understand. On the rare 'bad' days, I seek solace in my home and don't answer the phone. So, I don't know what exactly is turning my family or few friends off.
One last thing, Lexapro has affected my sex drive. I'm 30 years old, never married, without children, and I have a degree. I should be completely living it up, right! I'm afraid of life and love. I love that Lexapro has lifted that heavy dark cloud off of me. However, what happens after Lexapro? Does the depression come back? Will I be single forever?