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Addicted to everything!!!
A Lil about me.. 35 year old Dean in a middle school.. Married.. Father of Two Awesome Boys Who don't deserve a Junky of a father..
It took me a long, very long time to utter those nasty words in the title. It's been about 5-6 years of "feeling all right" on those wonderfully awful little pills. My main weakness was to either Percocet or Vicodin. It's hard to remember but I think it all started back when I had my first major route canal. I think that was the time. It's hard for me to remember the exact time it became a daily habit for me. I remember running out of my prescription the Doc gave me for the tooth pain and then being fine the next few days. I think.. Then.. Out of the blue.. It became something I wanted/needed everyday. I've tried quitting a thousand times. Always went back. Always convinced myself to go back because It was so easy to tell myself "you need them to get through your day". I would hear people tell me "Oh.. those make me sick, I can't take them.." That was my way in to get more, and more, and more. I was always able to find myself in a position to get more. Then I found a few dealers that had them.. It was all over after that. I would do anything to get my hands on some cash to buy them. I would even steal in order to sell stuff just to get some cash.
Telling myself I could quit at anytime was a joke. I would just go right back. I must have tried quitting 10-20 times and I would just go right back. Today is day two of zero pill consumption. Yesterday was rough. I was able to ween myself off them, I think, let me stress that... I THINK!!! I'm currently in the hole with one of my dealers who was so generous to give me credit. I did text him yesterday at one point to see if he was back from vacation.. Won't lie about that.. Thank god he wasn't.. Not that he would've given me anymore since I owe him money but I found myself to be very persuasive when trying to get what I wanted/needed. I hate myself for that!! Why couldn't I use that ability for something good? Because that's what an addiction does to you. Plain and simple. It turns you into someone you are not.
Only a select few in my life know the full extent of my addiction. My wife doesn't have a clue unfortunately. Why doesn't she suspect a thing? Because when I was taking my "vitamins" I was a happy go lucky guy.. Always put on a good show.. And never showed any signs of being high as a kite on meds. I used to call it artificial happiness. Because I was happy most of the time. I'm sure most of you agree that the main problem with the vitamins is you are able to complete your daily routine while everyone thinks you are perfectly normal. That was my biggest issue. The days I was on them which was pretty much everyday.. I appeared to be normal. Happy, out going, make conversation with just about anyone.. The days I ended up off of them I was closed shut.. Didn't want to see anyone.. Not even my kids.. That's the part that got me the most.. Not wanting to deal with my own kids hurt the most. I don't want to live like that anymore.. at all.. and neither should any of you because after reading through many different posts on here I have seen that I'm definitely not alone and we all share something in common.
How did I make it to day two and feel as well as I do? I sort of weened myself off of them. I stress sort of. I still went through the withdrawal pains that we always experience. Instead of taking pills for it I just let it run it's course.. Most importantly.. I found smoking a bit of Marijuana to help tremendously!! I do not recommend this for everyone as most people can't handle the effects of that particular drug. However.. I now see why Marijuana is prescribed medically.. Because it works. No pains.. Body felt great.. No sickness.. Was able to hold down food.. When I came down I was able to deal with the normal "crash" of Marijuana because it's no where near as bad as any other drug.. Couldn't sleep entirely through the night but at least I did sleep.. That was key.. Trying to sleep when your with drawing when you feel dead tired and unable to is murder. It really is.
So Here I am.. Just about end of my work day and I still feel OK.. Somewhat.. I can't stop thinking about it.. Trying to fight the urge like crazy to make that call to see if he has anything for me.. It truly comes to mind over matter.. And like I said.. Finding another vice like Mary Jane isn't a bad idea either.. I haven't smoked anything today.. Haven't taken anything today and I feel pretty good. Will report back tomorrow and keep you updated.. That is if anyone reads these posts anymore..
you are doing great. I know exactly what you are going thru. But this may be NOW or never. Not to scare you but DO NOT give in. Your kids DO deserve better. Your wife deserves better, YOU deserv e better. You can do this. Do WHATEVER you have to do to NOT make that call. Think of how awful and ashamed you will feel after you feel the momentary bliss of the pill.
Welcome back to living is about living rather than surviving, which is all we do when we are out there. It was unclear about the smoking as to whether you were suggesting as regular thing. Certainly meant no offense. However being clean is to put down all the substances Good Luck we here Surfdog
Mr. Dean, you are part of a more or less hidden community, but a community none the less. I have to say, my most valued "membership" in this one is only part of a long list. Don't ever apologize; just understand that you are part of a group of people who share a similar problem.
Welcome here, and know that I need you and your posts very much. Thanks for having the courage to talk openly about what is going on.
Last edited by thalia45; 05-29-2012 at 06:31 PM.
I enjoy being part of this "hidden community".. I've been hidden for close to 6 years now locked in a numbing fog.. I've been in a fog for my both of my children's entire lives and Enough is Enough!!! Only on Day three and I truly feel myself slowly transforming back into the original me.. The one who wasn't locked in a numbing fog for so many years.. All I can say is thank you and You will be hearing more from me as I try and get through this..
We're everywhere, we're everywhere lol surfdog
Yes, I sometimes wonder if the people who have never had to deal with addiction have any idea about what/who is around them, until something truly drastic happens.
Originally Posted by surfdog
I suppose this is true of many "communities": those dealing with cancer, gays, diabetes, weight problems (my husband's son just died at 44 ONLY because he couldn't stop eating - 400+ pounds and 44 years old). I believe we all have a "community" and it is up to us to identify and use it. C- (the son) completely rejected the idea that he had a problem until the night before he died. (He said to his wife how sorry he was and how he brought this upon himself.) I do believe right up until that moment he thought he was going to escape, yet again, another heart attack, and if he had, I don't think he would have changed anything about his life. We all think we have another chance.
If I get through this one I hope I have the sense to make changes in my life so that I am not drawn in again to addictions.
Hang in there Mr_Dean; I am here with you, Thalia
Thalia,Mr Dean Hidden community is a good description.
This disease is so different in it's symptoms from any other disease that people don't understand and never will.All diseases have 4 basic sub classes of symptoms regardless of whether it is measles or plague; Physical, emotional, psychological and behavioral, and spiritual Is usuaully included but the other 4 right now explains it.
With other illnesses the physical are the first to appear, so one can look at a person and see their sick. With addiction the physical are normally the last to show. So what folks see is changes in behavior, emotional outburst, which is a result of abnormal thinking . By the time the physical are showing we are so far into this disease we can't stop on our own and we have tried to no avail. So we start thinking "there must be something wrong with me" . I can't do this while others can, and here comes shame and guilt competing with pride and ego. This is not taking into account the trauma inflicted on the brain by the drug/alcohol use.
There is NOTHING wrong with us we are not defective or inferior no matter what we think . Sick yes but nothing "wrong" .
That is why support is vital we need to see that others have recovered to fuel hope that we can. AA's Big Book speaks of a "child like faith' When I was first getting sober that is all I had, I had tried and tried and failed.
But here were people that were laughing and seemed happy one of which was my sponsor, so I thought if it worked for them maybe, just maybe it can for me. That was many years ago and it is still working today.
Ya'll are doing great keep it up. and Remember NOTHING IS WRONG or DEFECTIVE with you! God Bless Surfdog
Last edited by surfdog; 05-31-2012 at 07:58 AM.
How much do you take a day because there is no way your getting high off them if you've been on them for years. Buy subs and get off them. Trust me they cost more but last you a lot longer.
Remixe what are you referring to? Surfdog
Suboxone or subutex, it's used to treat opuim addiction. I find a lot of people just get it to sell because insurance doesn't cover it. I would have to know how many mg you take but you maybe able to just take a quarter of the pill and be good for a day and a half bc it has a half life. Last 24 hours + another 12 before withdrawal is noticable.
Mr Dean has already completed wd and has about 14 days clean. Thing is the subs are worse to get of off because of the long half life, than the opiates Are you attempting to get clean using the subs? Surfdog
No I took tramadol and then subutex for a week. It depends on the person I think, I know people who can sleep through an opuim withdrawal. I couldn't do anything