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Dating a drug addict
I've been with my fiancé for 10 years. Always dabbled here n there with drugs in our late teens and early 20s but it was never a problem....until two years ago.
A friend introduced us to Roxy's. Wasn't a big deal at first but eventually became an expensive habit. Pretty soon, we were both addicted. It was not even fun anymore but sad, he pawned my engagement ring to get pills, I begged him not to. He even became a monster high. He got real angry and after 9 years of NO ABUSE it started. He even went to jail bc he literally flipped out punched walls put his head through the wall and the neighbors called the cops. Me being the jerk yet again, bailed him out. I always knew this was becoming a problem, he started sneaking pills behind my back, when I enjoyed smoking with HIM, but didn't know how to stop. Then this past fall, we graduated to the cheaper stronger stuff, >>>>>>. Never shot it, only smoked it as we did Roxy's. I still would catch him using without me and always holding back pieces for himself.
Luckily, I went out of state to visit family. I was lucky enough to detox. I knew a week wasn't long enough, as I still had STRONG cravings. I decided to stay where I was so I knew I had no choice but to quit and the longer I stayed the cravings would become easier and easier.
Long story short, I knew I needed to change my life and don't want to be associated with anyone who uses. I told my boyfriend this. He swore he'd stop with me being gone. I made it clear I would not come back to that lifestyle. I caught him lie after lie. On my birthday, I had to be the one to remind him. I didn't even get a phone call from him to wish me a happy birthday. In the past, before this addiction, whenever we were apart we would talk several times a day. This time, was different. I wouldn't hear from him, he'd forget to call, or if I got a hold of him he sounded loaded. I'd confront him and he swore he was "clean". It was obvious he wasn't. Then one day he finally admitted he's been using but lied because he thought I'd be upset. I'm upset he lied to me, like he thought he was slick. I also heard from a few people that I do not talk to anymore because they are still users, that he is no longer smoking it, but shooting it. He denies it. But I obviously have no reason to believe him.
Everytime his voice sounds off, or I don't hear from him, I'm obviously going to wonder. He swears everytime he's clean when I ask. So after getting so frustrated with rambling phone calls and not hearing from him I decided to look at the phone bill. Found about 10 #'s. some I recognized who I knew where dealers, and some new ones. He went out of his way to find new connections. Instead of getting clean so I would come home to him, getting drugs was more important. Of course he had all these excuses and I started blocking those numbers so they can't reach him and he can't reach them. After a month of that he said he would be honest and if he felt like he needed to use he would tell me. I took the blocked numbers off, because after all it is a little ridiculous, he's not a child and I just felt like a crazy girlfriend. I trusted him for a few weeks, but then the conversations of non sense and him MIA all the time I started wondering again. However I still never looked at the phone bill, I wanted to, but I trusted him.
Then one day I looked and there it all was again, and of course he had an excuse for everything. "I was getting it for someone else" ect ect. I made it clear, I don't want this kind of relationship and actually do want a future with him so he needs to get his act together. Again, was lied to.
It got to the point where all his lies caught up to him(although he still denies using needles, how can I truly believe his word?). He was angry, tried shifting blame on me "I make him so angry, and I force him to get high", "you keep asking if I shoot up I may as well just do it then" like stuff that makes no sense. I'm obviously not holding a gun to his head saying he needs to do it. I basically said, if this is how you want to live your life, that's fine. It's your life. But please don't string me along making me think your putting in effort to move forward in our relationship when the only effort your doing is finding your next fix. It's me or the >>>>>>. There's only so much I could do still living out of state because I'm petrified to go back. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. He still has not admitted to me or even himself that he has a problem. He doesn't know why I flip out if "he wants to get faded".
I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much, but I know I need to let go. He basically wants his cake and to eat it too. He can't have both. I can't live like that. I can't live with no trust in the relationship. I will constantly be wondering what he's doing. I have zero reason to trust him. I'm so worried he's going to OD and I can't imagine losing him but that's the path he's going. If I shut his phone off, I won't be able to reach him and the thought scares me. He thinks the phone is a power trip for me because it's under my name and I have access to the account, but it's really me just holding on because I don't want to lose him. I want him in my life. However, emotionally I can't handle it anymore. I thought this time apart would make him realize he wants me just as much, but it hasn't. Yet he doesn't want to let me go because I said over and over let's go our separate ways so I don't have to worry if your lying to me. He doesn't want that either. I feel after 10 years how can I just give up on him? I don't know what to do but I'm not in my 20s anymore. I want to start living life and not worry and have the anxiety over him and if I heard from him or not for the day.
I know I should shut his phone off, but it worries me him not having a phone. He's constantly making threats about his safety so if I shut it, how will I reach him? How will I know he's OK? And if I did shut it off and he had a way to contact me he would say I always promised i'd never turn it off. It's not like he's NOT paying the bill, so I do feel bad doing that.
Sorry this is a novel, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm going crazy. It's not like I didn't have a problem, I did. I did it cold turkey, I had no choice. The physical and mental withdrawals are almost unbearable, I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. If I truly wanted to, I could have probably gotten something when my cravings were taking over. But somehow, my thought process was now $30 was worth more in my pocket then 1 Roxy. I know getting clean is possible.
Canttakeitanymore, good morning and I'm so sorry to hear that this terrible addiction has taken over your lives. I can relate to it creeping up on you. My husband and I got into the Roxys together as well. At first it was just a recreational thing, and then you know the story....becomes and everyday survival thing. And drains you of all the money and everything else you have. We never got into smoking them or anything harder....but we had BIG problems all the same.
You'll hear people say, and its very true, that its extremely hard for 2 people in a relationship to get clean together and make it work. Last August we quit and my husband stuck to it. I stayed clean for a while but relapsed for a couple of months and now I'm back on Day 13. I DO think that couples can get clean together...but I agree its VERY hard. And I think the #1 reason for it to work is that you both have to WANT to get clean. I want to congratulate you on the decisions you've made, and getting clean, because that couldn't have been easy (and with no support from him). The problem here is that he just doesn't want to stop yet. You know because you've been there....you have to really want to stop. You have to be sick of the lifestyle and the damage it's doing to you. He doesn't sound like he's there yet.
It sounds like you've already given him a lot of time to be honest with you and to join you in your fight. Don't be surprised by all the lies and the denial. He's so wrapped up in this that when he lies to you, he probably believes what he's saying. I can't tell you exactly what to do. I know that there is a big fear that if you cut him off completely that something bad will happen. But at this point I think something bad could happen anyways. It sounds to me like it's time to say to him "I can't be involved in this anymore. I'm sick of the lies and the anger and the lifestyle. I love you but I don't love all of this". Tell him that when he's ready to get clean, he can get clean and then you'll support him. And then just pray that he'll do it.
Thing is, you were IN this too....so you know all of the signs and the lies and the cover ups better than a partner who never did them. If you suspect he's lying, I'm sure he is. I hope that you guys can get through this together, but you can't do it for him....he needs to do it himself, just like you did...
Hey canttakeit, moon is absolutely right. First of all, congrats on making the decision to get clean...and for actually doing it. I quit ct off of a really high oxy addiction 37 days ago. I never smoked them, but I was putting up to 300 mg a day up my nose for almost 3 years. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore...I never thought I would be THAT person, and I'd had enough so I decided to stop. The wd is horrible, and there were times that I really didn't think that I could do it...but I got through it. And clearly you did too, so good for you.
For the last seven months of my using, I was dating and living with a guy that was using too. I wanted to stop and he just didn't. I would go for a day or two and think, I'm really gonna do it this time, and then he'd give me something and I'd be right back at the beginning. He never understood why I wanted to stop; it was still fun for him. Seven months isn't anywhere close to 10 years, but I loved him and I thought we were going to have a life together. I was going to have a baby with him, until I miscarriaged (and a small part of me still thinks that was because of the pills). Anyway, my point is that I HAD to leave to save myself. It didn't mean that I didn't care about him, or that I didn't still love him. But I had to leave for ME. I realized that I couldn't save him. That no amount of ME wanting him to stop and get his life together was going to work. HE had to want it, and he very clearly didn't.
I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like your boyfriend just doesn't want to stop right now. And I think, as much as you love him, deep down you know what you have to do. It's scary, and it's hard. And it hurts like he!! to walk away from somebody that you love and that you thought you were going to have a life with. Believe me, I know it is. But as long as he's using, and lying to you, then he's not really the person you thought he was anyway right?
Maybe you leaving, or breaking up with him, will push him into wanting to get clean. And I sincerely hope that it does. But you can't do this for him. He has to want it more than anything. You know exactly how hard it is, most of us on here do. And you know that if you're doing it for somebody else, because you don't really think that you have a problem, it almost never works. I'm really sorry for everything you're going through. But you're still in recovery. Just because you're clean doesn't mean you're cured. Staying clean is going to be a daily battle for you for the rest of your life. Just like it will be for me, and moon, and pretty much everybody else here. Each day gets a little bit easier, but it's always gonna be there.
Obviously everybody and every situation is different. I'm only giving you my opinion based on my limited experience. My ex is still using, because I wasn't as important as the drugs for him. And I hope that that doesn't happen to you. But there comes a point where you have to put yourself first and really save yourself. And from your post, it sounds like you've reached that point. You've found a great place in this forum, so no matter what you decide just keep posting and we'll be here for you.
Best of luck.
Thanks for your responses guys. I appreciate it. I know what I have to do. The only thing keeping us together is the contact through the phone.
Hey, Sorry to hear about your situation. Good for you for doing what you needed to do for you. Making the decision that you want a different life is hard, but the real hard part is doing whatever it takes to make it happen. You did that, and it speaks volumes about you and your conviction. If you have read some of the other threads about people and their partners addiction, I think you will see a lot of similarities. I am coming from the other side of the fence, I am the addict. Some people say leave him and don't look back, others will say you should stick by his side no matter what. It is your life and your decision to make. I try not to tell people what they should do, but will gladly tell you my opinion from my experiences. I became addicted to opiates and lied to my fiance about it and hid it for six months. I finally realized I need to come clean with her if we were going to have the relationship that we both wanted. She knew I was and alcoholic, and dabbled in drug use, but never would have guessed the extent that my opiate addiction had gotten to. Same old store, pills, to smoking "h", the needle. There is not much further to go after that. Either dieing or getting clean in my opinion. Coming clean with her was a really scary thing. We are getting married in 6 months. I really did not know how she was going to take it(especially if I told her about the needles). I did not see much of a choice. For me being honest about all that was a big part of me getting and being clean. I wasn't sure if she would leave me or not. If she did stay, i wasn't sure how breaking that trust would affect our relationship and if our relationship could handle it. I really believe trust and honesty is a huge part of a relationship. Even though I was the one with all the lies, i wasn't sure how either of us would deal with it in the long run. I also knew she had been hurt by a past boyfriend that was lied continuously about his addiction, it ruined their relationship, and she vowed never to let that happen again. But like I said, I felt I had no choice but to tell her. Due to her past experiences, I decided to get clean(i used subs) and once I was not using I would tell her. That was it wasn't the same broken record she had heard before about this is what i am doing and I am sorry, but I promise I will change. I told her everything once I had not used for a couple weeks, but at least I could then say "this is what i was doing and I am very sorry. And this is what already done to start to fix the problem". Luckily she went against her vow to never put up with that again and she did not leave me. I know if she would have found me actively using she would have left on the spot. It would have been horrible for both of us, but she would have had every right to do so. I think that somehow our relationship is stronger through all of that. I do know that if I go back to those ways, whether it is next month or five years after our marriage, she will most definitely leave me. And again she would have every right to. I did not stop using for her, I stopped because I wanted to and need to for me, no matter what happened between the two of us. As I said, I did not do it for her, but it sure is great incentive not to screw up.!
You sound like a very strong and smart person. It sounds like you love this person, and want to do everything you can to make it work. But both people need to feel that way for things to truly work. I use this statement in my life a lot and have used it on here before. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I think this really applies to addiction and the way an addicts brain works while they are using and when in that phase of wanting their life back, but not quite fully doing it yet. It kind of sounds like this is what has been happening so far in this phase of your relationship. Please know I am not calling either of you insane. I might have missed it but I am not sure of the timeline and how long this has been going on, and how long you have been away to deal with your addiction. It sounds like it has been a while. Always remember that no matter what that you need to take care of yourself before you can ever help someone else. It sounds like you know that and are doing it. I commend you for that, as it is a hard thing to do, but the best way. Now that you are clean, try to think about it rationally and logically. Have you tried other things? Are their other things to try?Or have you tried everything you are willing to try? If there are other things, what are they. What are your options? Do you want to stick by him no matter what, whether he keeps using or not? If he does stop using, can your relationship handle the broken trust of the past? If you give him a get clean I am leaving ultimatum, will you stick to it? If you do stick to it and leave him, will you know that is the best thing for you? If you leave and he od's, will you look back in regret, thinking you could have done more , or tried a different approach? or will you know that, as sad as it would be, that you did all you could do, and the best thing for you? If you leave him and he gets clean, will you go on separate paths, or will you try to get back together? If you stay with him and he continues to use, or continues to relapse, will you be happy and safe? If you move out there to try to help him, will it work? Will that be the best thing for you? Will you continue to try even if it is clear he doesn't really want the help? I could go on, and on.
ONLY YOU you can answer these questions. But possibly trying to look at all of your options in a rational, logical way will help you make a decision, or help you decide what your next step will be. Maybe write all of the options you see on paper so you can weigh all the pros and cons. No matter what you decide, it is sure not to be easy. Nothing worth doing is. Whether it is staying with him no matter what, leaving him because you know it is best for you, or anywhere in between. Only you can know what is best for you, and only you can decide. It is a big decision no matter what rout you take, and one you should decide for yourself. That way you can be happy with your decision, no matter how it turns out. There is no cut and dry answer to it.
Hope that helps in some way! Sorry for the novel back.
Last edited by MP5; 02-27-2012 at 12:54 PM.
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