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Yes, I am ready
  1. #1
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Yes, I am ready

    Tomorrow is my target day. I have been preparing for this for a couple of months. I have read the boards for a couple of months and cannot tell you how much your posts have helped me get to this point. My prescription, for the first time in five years, has run out before it's time. I did this on purpose. It is time. That will be no more watching the clock, no more counting pills and, at some point (and I realize this might take a while) I want to be me again. I can't even remember when this became serious. All pills have been prescribed, however, the downfall, I believe, was when I was prescribed the 10 mg for a very painful medical problem. (It's gone now). On the other hand, it might have been before that... sometimes I can just say "I don't know." I take .5 now, but they are gone. That's it, I will not ask my doctor for more. I have a mineral supplement, B6, Immodeum (sp? sorry--a little lazy today to go and look on the bottle), L-something (for energy) and 4 Valium. I am nervous. I have arthritis, but so does my Aunt who is 82 and she gets by with Advil. I am somewhat younger than her so if she can get by with that, so should I. The problem is, most of the time, when I get home from work, I am spent. My hands hurt, true, but it is and was the time to zone out. I do not want to do that anymore. It has controlled me. I am tired of going to social events such as birthday parties or Thanksgiving and feeling so anxious I want to leave an hour after I get there. I never used to be that way. Most of the time, except for the short "warm" period I feel like I could jump out of my skin. I used to walk every morning several miles, have hobbies and was most generally a happy person. I want to her her again. I miss her. I have closed myself off from a lot of things and people. I am really disappointing myself. My husband, God bless him, knows, but doesn't understand why I can't just take 2.... Well, I can't. There are so many people on here I look up to, that I follow, that I enjoy. Please keep posting. You will never know how much it is appreciated by people like myself who have just followed and not posted. I will probably do a lot of posting now that I have jumped in. Hope you all don't get sick of me. I you do, just be straight and tell me. I know many of you do AA or NA. For now, those are out of the question. Social anxiety is something that I am dealing with. I will do my best to make it to work. I hope I can do it. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I do appreciate it. Until next time...

  2. #2
    Maggie1976 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by hope1211 View Post
    Tomorrow is my target day. I have been preparing for this for a couple of months. I have read the boards for a couple of months and cannot tell you how much your posts have helped me get to this point. My prescription, for the first time in five years, has run out before it's time. I did this on purpose. It is time. That will be no more watching the clock, no more counting pills and, at some point (and I realize this might take a while) I want to be me again. I can't even remember when this became serious. All pills have been prescribed, however, the downfall, I believe, was when I was prescribed the 10 mg for a very painful medical problem. (It's gone now). On the other hand, it might have been before that... sometimes I can just say "I don't know." I take .5 now, but they are gone. That's it, I will not ask my doctor for more. I have a mineral supplement, B6, Immodeum (sp? sorry--a little lazy today to go and look on the bottle), L-something (for energy) and 4 Valium. I am nervous. I have arthritis, but so does my Aunt who is 82 and she gets by with Advil. I am somewhat younger than her so if she can get by with that, so should I. The problem is, most of the time, when I get home from work, I am spent. My hands hurt, true, but it is and was the time to zone out. I do not want to do that anymore. It has controlled me. I am tired of going to social events such as birthday parties or Thanksgiving and feeling so anxious I want to leave an hour after I get there. I never used to be that way. Most of the time, except for the short "warm" period I feel like I could jump out of my skin. I used to walk every morning several miles, have hobbies and was most generally a happy person. I want to her her again. I miss her. I have closed myself off from a lot of things and people. I am really disappointing myself. My husband, God bless him, knows, but doesn't understand why I can't just take 2.... Well, I can't. There are so many people on here I look up to, that I follow, that I enjoy. Please keep posting. You will never know how much it is appreciated by people like myself who have just followed and not posted. I will probably do a lot of posting now that I have jumped in. Hope you all don't get sick of me. I you do, just be straight and tell me. I know many of you do AA or NA. For now, those are out of the question. Social anxiety is something that I am dealing with. I will do my best to make it to work. I hope I can do it. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I do appreciate it. Until next time...

    Hi there,
    i just want to wish you luck, you sound very ready, and also that I completely understand how you feel. Life is horrible on the pills, it is so much better off of them from what I remember. I send you all my best wishes for when it gets hard but you just have to push past the hardest part into the light at the end.

    Best of luck and congratulations

    Maggie

  3. #3
    Anonymous Guest

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    Than you Maggie - I appreciate your quick and positive response. I would be lying to say I am not scared to death... but I am ready and hopefully equipped.

  4. #4
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hope I am so proud of you!! I know taking this first step was hard but you will not regret it. I knew your were struggling and realy want to be on the free side but scared however you reached within and have pulled out the strength to fight. You took the first step and the hardest.

    Trust me if they haven't got tired of me and mommy rambling on and posting all the time..lol....I think you will be just fine. You are going to do this it is your time !!

  5. #5
    codeinelife is offline New Member
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    For myself, addiction started by taking just 1 pill, as with everyone else. I have worked hard physically all of my life, had injuries from years prior and acquired a new injury from work. I was prescribed 10mg oxycontin. Never having been addicted to drugs, I took the pill for no other reason than pain. I remember sitting in my chair after taking this pill, trying to block out the pain when I suddenly felt good! I was no longer in pain, it was good, finally, the pain was gone, and I actually felt good. I took one whenever the pain became too much to take until the bottle was empty. I didn't need any more right away so months went by but then the pain came back and I remembered how this pill helped. I went back to the doctor and he said no, can't give you more, they're addictive! Well, I bought 500mg Tylenol with 8mg codeine, which is sold over the counter and even though I had to take 4 times the normal dose, it helped me live without pain. A few years later, I was taking an average of 10 per day when I was in pain. Although I knew that this was not a very good situation, I could not get a prescription from my doctor but didn't want to take time off work because of my pain. Years after, still taking them, more than before, every day. This lasted for 2 years. I couldn't stop taking them at this point without feeling sick. A couple of years after that I was taking 15-30 pills a day just to avoid the nasty headaches that I would get if I didn't take them. At this point, I did not feel anything good no matter how many pills I took. Yes, they helped with the pain, but I felt bad physically, clouded head, sore stomach, no real benefit. I tried to quit so many times, probably hundreds over my 9 year hell. In the early stages I quit a few times and then, thinking that I could quit again any time, went back to it because of pain and also missing the all around good feeling they gave me. Later in the years when I tried to quit, the headaches and sickness would take hold and I would give in again. Some times it even made my headaches worse by taking more, but it was too late to quit after taking more, again! I had enough at this point. I weaned myself down week by week, felt worse and worse as my dose went down, prepared for the worst, then quit. I will always crave more, always think about the feeling they gave me 9 years ago, always be worried that I will start again,,, but I quit and it feels good! I went through 3 weeks of hell, couldn't work, felt so bad I wanted to die, but I got over the worst part, the part that I feared,, headaches and sickness. Everyone's situation is different. I had to stop work for a couple of weeks in order to do this, but for myself, it was worth it. I have only been pill free for just over 2 months, but that's 60 days more than I have accomplished in the past years. This addiction has cost me everything but now I have my life back. I no longer NEED the pills. I think about it, but don't need them. My advise, although I don't have any pill free years under my belt yet; Be prepared to feel very uncomfortable, in pain, maybe depressed and downright lousy! You might want to try and reason with yourself as to why you don't need to quit, I did, but do it for you. Remember why you need this, don't give in. I didn't tell anyone that I had a problem, and even if people knew, nobody knows that I struggled to quit, therefore nobody said that they were proud that I tried to quit. Everyone here on this forum is proud of you and wants you to quit. We are with you and here to help.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-07-2015 at 09:59 PM.
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  6. #6
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Hope.....Welcome....You are doing the right thing!! It's funny how WE just start not doing things WE used to like doing....In the beginning the pills seem to make everything better....BUT....in the end....they take our Passion out of Life....kinda just take our soul!! I am curious as to how much of whatever you were taking....and for how long?? You said you have been preparing for a few months to do this.....How??? Have you tapered down....or what?? I would love to support YOU and give YOU any advice I think might help....but need a bit more info...Stay Strong Hope!!...Welcome to getting your life Back....and the winning side!!
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  7. #7
    Anonymous Guest

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    Thank you Dave. I really like Butteflylove's title "Truth be Told" because that is what I need to do with myself. Norco (doesn't it sound better than Vicodin?) - 20 to 40 mg a day for the last 5 years. No, I tried tapering, obviously did not work. I just made myself run out. By preparing, I mean I have done a lot of reading on the boards and collecting the Thomas Recipe remedies. I'm not sure if I have it right. I bought a Full Spectrum Mineral Cap. I have B6. I am not sure if I start taking that now, or do I wait a few days. I have a terrible cold right now, so it doesn't help, but no more excuses. I have went over and over in my mind how this feeling of jumping through my skin and not being happy unless I take my pills is really, in my opinion, putting me at rock bottom. I really can't remember the last time I laughed or "enjoyed" much which is sad. I believe these pills have made me sad, anxious and irritable. I see where the withdrawals do the same things, so am somewhat dreading it, but see hope from others of digging out. I do not want live this way, and I won't. I am pretty much dedicated to my work, and feel I haven't really been "there" for a while. I'm always wondering if people know... It's an odd feeling--hard to describe. Dave, your posts on these boards are nothing short of awesome. I am so happy you posted on my board. Thank you. Day 1 begins.
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  8. #8
    Anonymous Guest

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    Wow - that is a testimonial that is very inspiring. Sounds like you are doing wonderful and that makes me hopeful. I know this is not going to be easy, but I'll tell you, every since last April, or maybe it was last Christmas, I have really changed. I did not like that change in myself and I knew why. I will do my very best not to give in and I really appreciate your responding to my post. It's people like you that are helping people like me.

  9. #9
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    Sunshine - I lost the posts of you and mommy and, of course, others who chime in. I read ALL of your posts. You keep it real and I like that. It's one of the reasons, I am doing this. Truthfully, you all have more responsibilities than I do at this point in my life. I am, and I think I have said this before, in awe, of what you are doing. I am basically responsible for myself and job... My husband is the only one I have confided in, and he is supportive, but does not really get it. He doesn't understand why I can't just take 2. Let's see, I have given up smoking approximately 14 years ago; lost weight a couple of years ago and kept it off; now this... I must have some willpower, right? I just took my first Valium (I have only 4, one a day, according to Thomas recipe), I am hoping I can sleep my first day away to tell you the truth. I hope that is not bad thing to hope for... Rambling.. sorry. Love all your posts and strength.

  10. #10
    Anonymous Guest

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    Whoops, I meant I love the posts....

  11. #11
    Catherine120813 is offline Senior Member
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    Hope, you obviously have willpower...smoking and losing weight? That is wonderful.

    Pills are no worse, really, in the desire for them that will come. You will have 5 days here of "not fun", but as you have been reading, I think you know what to expect. Emotions will be all over the map, and likely, sleep will elude you, but focus on your goal and you will be fine.

    Exercise YES!! the single thing that helps (gets natural endorphins going again), hot showers, and know that every minute is an investment in the piggy bank of a better future.

    Good for you! I will check back.
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  12. #12
    Anonymous Guest

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    Thank you Catherine. I think I have almost convinced myself to take this coming week off. My job can produce some high anxiety situations. I'm thinking I don't need that the first 5 days... I am also a little concerned about gaining weight. I do not want to replace one habit for another.. I really must watch what I eat. I try to stay away from anything processed, sugar and carbs... That's not to say I do not eat some carbs, just not very many of them. I noticed there was a direct correlation of numbing myself and the scale. If I was up a pound or two, I would want to take a pill.... Bad... Today, I did not weigh myself. Baby steps. Exercise will be key. I must do it. I do not like it. I lost pretty much through diet, with being my age it is somewhat of a feat if I do say so myself. So many things to fight. I know, one day at a time. Thanks for your comment and encouragement.

  13. #13
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hope imo only I would put the scale away for now. You do not need more stress just contiinue your diet the same and leave it at that. Eat when you need to eat. You will need some extra nutrition during this time. Many actually lose weight during wds as eating is not on the top of the list. I had the opposite and gained 8 pounds all the holiday food did not help. It's ok if you gain a few pounds or lose get thru one thing at a time. I know the excercise is no fun especially in the beginning however you don't have to think of it as excercise or hit the gym all you have to do is be active. Start taking walks doesn't have to be power walks just walk a little.

    As for the vitamins take them now except for the ones that give you energy. When you are coming out of the "flu" then you start with the vitamins tha give you energy l-tysorine and b-6. I would also try l-theanine and h6tp as those can help with anxiety. Need to get the l-theanine at a vitamin store. If you read my post you know all about the anxiety and it is something you will just need to battle thru. I think taking a few days off of work will be good. Also try and find some kind of outlet for your stress walking, music, puzzle, reading, meditation praying...whatever. Many turn to that pill during stress times and you need to retrain your brain and give it something else. There is also dbt skills you can learn when anxiety reaches a high.
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  14. #14
    Anonymous Guest

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    I am hoping everyone does not get sick of me, but I feel this need to write... I thinking I had this (vitamins, etc.) but I did not think very thoroughly of what my behavior change would be. What am going to do to really change me? I am always there for my work, grandchildren, friends, but more recently, in physical being only. I hate that about myself. I am wondering if they see it to? I am sure they do. Everyone on here has struggled to hard, every day, to get where they are at. I notice some seem to do better when they are busy. Right now, I am sitting in my living room, in my comfy chair, telling myself to get up and do something. Anything. I did run the dishwasher. I think I need to talk to my husband. He has been so sick with the flu, I haven't told him I have begun. Thanks for listening.

  15. #15
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hope no one will get sick of you post every 5 mins and stay at the board 24/7 if you need to. Lord knows if you have seen mommy and my post we are always on here. It helps us stay accountable and if this is what keeps us from taking pills well that is what it is here for use it and post as much as you need.

    Doesn't matter what others think that memory will soon be replaced with good things. Try and keep moving aroud.

  16. #16
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    That's right Hope....In the first few Days especially....this Board was My Lifeline!! Make that the first couple weeks.....But....You will be through the worst of this in the first week.....I Hope YOU DO take a little time off work....it would really be helpful as well!! As Sunshine said....and I always say....any kind of exercise is Huge!! Just plain moving in the beginning is very important!! Also nice to tell the husband....give him a heads up....The truth will set You Free!! He also just needs to know.....and hopefully he will help you out some....and be Very supportive....if not....Let me Know....I'll have a chat with him......Seriously....Congrats on YOUR day One....Don't expect too much off yourself today....just get through it....Moment by moment.....and talk on here as much as YOU need!!....Stay Strong Hope!!...Thought this would be fitting for U.....HOPE...maintain an attitude of optimism...and open the door to Greater possibilities!! The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to Get Started!!..xo
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  17. #17
    Anonymous Guest

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    Thank you Dave. You will never fully know how much your words of encouragement mean to me. For a couple of months I have followed your encouraging words on many threads. The one that really stood out, for me, was your encouragement to Butteflylove. I love your rapport with Sunshine and Mommy and Sunshine, and so many more people too numerous to mention. You are, I understand, coming up on a milestone. Two years! I am looking forward to the day that I can say that. I do expect a lot from myself. I have deducted that is one of the reasons I am here. Just one of several. My husband is very understanding and helpful, but not having an addictive personality such as myself, can't fully understand my situation. Optimism and being positive are two things I, unfortunately, have not had much of lately. "Hope"fully, I am praying, that will change. Thank you again for your kind encouragement.

  18. #18
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Yes....2 years this Saturday....Valentine's Day.....Was an accident that it just happened to be that Day...Anyway....Pretty Unbelievable!! I just know How Long and Hard I tried breaking Free from the BEAST!! I started Regular Use around 1999...2000...From about 2005 on....I wanted OFF the Monster....Sooo many Failed attempts....I think the Most I ever got was 3 months Until NOW!!! The Main reason I stay Here....and offer support and advice is....I want All that Pain I went through.....withdrawl's way to many times to Count......I want ALL that to Mean something....Turn it into a positive!! Not only that....But listening to others hurting and struggling....keeps me humble.....Reminds me....I'm Never cured...I will always be an addict....I don't EVER want to forget how Grateful I am.....And that it can all be taken away with One Pill!!! Plus the fact is.....If people didn't stick around to help newbies.....this thing wouldn't work??? There where Many here for Me....I feel like it's not only helpful to those I post to....but it also Helps ME.....LOTS!! "Hope" your feeling 1/2 way ok.....Drink Lots of H2O....Flush that Poison OUT!! Stay Strong Hope...On Your Way to Freedom!!.xo
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  19. #19
    Trout908 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by davepeerson View Post
    Yes....2 years this Saturday....Valentine's Day.....Was an accident that it just happened to be that Day...Anyway....Pretty Unbelievable!! I just know How Long and Hard I tried breaking Free from the BEAST!! I started Regular Use around 1999...2000...From about 2005 on....I wanted OFF the Monster....Sooo many Failed attempts....I think the Most I ever got was 3 months Until NOW!!! The Main reason I stay Here....and offer support and advice is....I want All that Pain I went through.....withdrawl's way to many times to Count......I want ALL that to Mean something....Turn it into a positive!! Not only that....But listening to others hurting and struggling....keeps me humble.....Reminds me....I'm Never cured...I will always be an addict....I don't EVER want to forget how Grateful I am.....And that it can all be taken away with One Pill!!! Plus the fact is.....If people didn't stick around to help newbies.....this thing wouldn't work??? There where Many here for Me....I feel like it's not only helpful to those I post to....but it also Helps ME.....LOTS!! "Hope" your feeling 1/2 way ok.....Drink Lots of H2O....Flush that Poison OUT!! Stay Strong Hope...On Your Way to Freedom!!.xo
    what finally made the difference for you?
    steph

  20. #20
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    What finally Made the Difference.....Great Question.....Sick and Tired of the chase...chasing down pills....counting how many I had left.....Going out of town...Do I have enough??? All that garbage....Plus like I've said on other threads....They weren't working for ME anymore....No More Great Buzz feeling....I would wake up in the morning....and have a pill at my bedside to take....lay down again for 20-30 minutes....wait till it kicked in....then get up.....You see....I would already be in semi WD's after sleeping through the night...taking nothing!! The Big part is.....taking it right from the moment I woke up in the am....Just to feel OK....Not Fuzzy and great....Just to get to ZERO....Like....Ok....that was it!!! I was taking the BEAST in the End...Just to get to EVEN.....Nothing More.....No Great Buzz feeling.....It was either take it to get to ZERO....or get sick....and I didn't want to get sick!!! Finally.....I did want to just get Sick....and not have to be a Prisoner to this Monster anymore!! You Have to Just get to that Place of......Enough is Enough....I couldn't Do it anymore!!! Stay Strong Steph....You CAN DO THIS!!!....How YOU doing Hope??
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  21. #21
    Anonymous Guest

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    Thank you for asking Dave. Not so great... Seems like I started out with a bang, but am slowly waning. I did go to the health store and picked up some amino acid. I have been accumulating things from the Thomas Recipe for a few weeks now. I will be able to open my own health food store soon. Seriously, and I know I am sounding like an excuse is around the corner, but this cold (possibly bronchitis now, the way I am coughing) probably is not helping. I obviously cannot tolerate discomfort. If could, maybe I wouldn't be here.

    On another note, two years on Valentine's Day? Can I just say WOW! It must, at times, seem surreal. It would and will for me. I really admire you for giving back to all of us.

    I, right now, am not feeling so hot. It's been a full 24 hours (always the clock watcher). This is the time of day I generally get home from work and "relax." The warm feeling only lasts about an hour and I must remember that. It's not worth it. That is what I have to keep repeating. As predicted, my stomach is not feeling so great so, I will pause for now... Thanks for writing.

  22. #22
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hang in there Girl......You knew you were gonna have to pay the piper....I Really don't think it will be all that terrible for YOU! Obviously your not going to Feel Good....But....it IS WORTH a FEW Days of discomfort!! It's the Only way to Freedom!! Check in when You can....I have to sign off of here for Now...but look forward to seeing How Your doing Later....STAY STRONG HOPE!!.xo

  23. #23
    Anonymous Guest

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    Night time is seriously going to be my difficult time. I know that is when I obviously took the majority of the mg I took during the day. It most certainly was my coping mechanism. I can feel my self frowning... Really? I can feel myself saying, you want this, you want this. I know it's only been a day, but I am not that strong of a person evidently. People on the boards generally do not start this until after a couple of days, at least. I am almost embarrassed to even write it. Sunday nights stress me because Monday mornings are work... Yes, I will go. My middle name is guilt. Maybe it will help. Too much idle time gives me too much time to look at the clock. I am growing to hate the clock. LOL. Gosh, if am repeating myself, I'm sorry. Just a little all over the place right at the moment. Lots of new people the last couple of days. That is a good thing.
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  24. #24
    Anonymous Guest

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    On another note, aren't the Grammy's on tonite? Love to watch who is wearing what... Love Carol King and whatever 70s rock group they will have on. I'm not much into pop culture.

  25. #25
    Trout908 is offline Member
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    You can do it.. I am on day 35 with a few relapsed pills in those days.. I stay home and work... It sucks ! Boredom is horrible and no energy to work. So just wanted to drop a line to tell you even though I know getting up to go sucks, I truly feel that staying home is watching the clock at it's best!

  26. #26
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    Steph - I got to work at home for 7 years. It was truly the best 7 years of my life. As long as I got my work done, which I did, I could do it at 5 in the morning or 10 at night. My then boss fully retired, and I had to go back out into the real world. Sometimes we don't know how good we have something until we don't have it anymore. You are doing great! You will do this, and do it well. 35 days is amazing.

  27. #27
    Trout908 is offline Member
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    I agree hope! I am blessed to stay home but times like this I would love a job I actually went too.. Just to be productive. Did you get the supplements? I found they help me a great deal.. Also I would not worry about weight. I have lost 15 pds this month and really did not have but 5 to loose.. At 38 yo I am back to high school weight and still loosing, guess their is good and bad in everything. Good luck tomorrow. I will be on my computer working if you need a break to talk.
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  28. #28
    Anonymous Guest

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    I did get the supplements. Will start taking tomorrow as at the health food store they said to take on an empty stomach. I am in my mid 50s and my weight has always concerned me. If I go over 115, I freak. I am only 5' tall so I can't afford too much weight gain. I'm a little OCD in that area. That would mean I would have to buy new clothes, meaning I would have to spend money, the list goes on and on. It is sometimes hard to be me. Wow, high school weight. Only a dream for me. Good for you. Losing 15 pounds in a month is a lot, but totally understand how that can happen with everything that goes on with this. Thanks for the well wishes. My well wishes extend to you too tomorrow.
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  29. #29
    Trout908 is offline Member
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    Take the supplements tonight..
    Sometimes all at once on empty stomach can be a bit much. However since I can't seem to eat, I usually do take on empty stomach and try to eat some fruit.

  30. #30
    Trout908 is offline Member
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    Here's to a great Monday!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-08-2015 at 09:44 PM. Reason: Wrong
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