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Well, I'm back...I didn't stay clean...
Well, I'm back...I didn't stay clean...
My last Oxy was Sunday night at 5. It's Tuesday at noon. Feeling awful. Depressed, lethargic, diarrhea. Why can't I stay off? I was off for almost two months (I think) up until just 3 weeks ago. Hopped right back on the Oxy train and went through an unbelievable 120 7.5 Endocets in three weeks. WTF? I can't remember the last time I posted here but I was clean for a few months and doing well...since then I've relapsed numerous times....Picking myself up and trying again
Originally Posted by Ggeo
Let's make this time the last time, huh?
I know, right?
That's the plan Marion, that's the plan...good to see you are still here helping others. Thank you for posting.
I don't have any more Day One's in me....
There's another person here looking for a buddy. It's JustPlainDone. Her thread is called Day Two.
You two could be of great help to each other.
That's how I made it, with a buddy.
I know your thread had troubles last time. Also your buddy dropped off. That happened to me a couple of times before kickin' and I joined up.
you know I'll follow your progress as best I can.
Hang in there!
You been riding your horses?
Good memory Marion!
Actually my thread last time just had one small bump. And my buddy and I kind of left here at the same time, both of us clean too. I wish SO badly I was able to get her email. I'd love to email her now. I'm dying go know if she stayed off pills. She only lives a few miles from me, and though we never met she really pulled me through last time.
Humhun, if you ever check in I need you!
Yes, still riding! Though off opiates it's just not as fun. I hope I can get that joy back again.
Gonna hang tough here. I will go check out that persons thread, thank you. Though right now I'm too weak and muddled to be of much help. Misery loves company though!
Sorry to hear about the trip up. But it does happen. Relapse is a part of recovery. Coming here, and posting about it shows true courage, and a want to change. As long as you TRULY want it. you will be successful.
Man, I was near 6 months clean, and I relapsed. It sucked. But I did what I had to do, and I am exactly 14 days clean again. You WILL feel like yourself again, but it takes time. Change your habits, whatever made you use. Make sure it doesn't happen this time.
Of course I remember you from the last time I was here. I will find your thread and read it however I'd like to know how long your relapse was?
It was for a week, on LARGE doses of Morphine. About 400mg a day. Not as long as you, but I still had to suffer withdrawals, and I am still having a bit of trouble sleeping.
I just read your thread
And posted...all I can say is WOW..your story is a tough one to read. And you're so young! That's good. You can get through this. I hope you can find your way to a pain-free life sans opiates.
I'm with you on the alcohol in withdrawal. On my second beer right now. Seems to ease the pain a bit.
Yeah, it was really helpful to me those first few days. I found that a glass of wine before bed helped with the RLS, but that could just be me.
I am new here and I am four days into detox. It has been really tough but I am doing so much better. I have tried so many times to do this and usually fail everytime. I don't understand how a little white pill can control my entire life. My doc was perc's and when those weren't available I would take vicoden or norco's. I tapered for a week from approx 20 per day down to 4 or 5. The fist few days were absolutely horrible. Hopefully we can cheer each other on.
I know that I would be really sad to relapse but part of me really wants to. I keep going back and forth but I haven't caved yet. As some one posted on your wall "pick yourself up" and keep on keeping on.
I wish you the best of luck!
Today is Day 3 for me. I'm actually doing ok! I have found that the med, Gabapentin (aka Neurontin), which was prescribed to me for nerve pain works great in helping to alleviate most withdrawal symptoms. It's worked well for me the last two times i withdrew from Oxycodone. It also makes me sleep which is one of my worst withdrawal symptoms. Unfortunately when I discontinue use after a couple of weeks my insomnia and depression will be right there waiting for me, however it does seem to at least make those first awful days much better. Not sure why more folks aren't aware of this drug?
Anyway, how are you feeling today? I read you are kinda vacillating about relapse.
You know you'll be right back here again over and over. How many more Day Ones do you have in you? I can't go back on that Oxy train again. I simply cannot. It's going to kill me. Don't let that addict brain talk you into anything alright? Just hold on until it passes. And it will.
Keep posting my friend..
I am on the fence but I want free from this so bad. I have not caved. My biggest problem right now is sleep also. I do have some clonidine and ativan but I haven't used them. I want to be drug free.
Another one of my issues is that I have an adult daughter that moved in with us about a year ago. She has a steady script for norco's. Sometimes my brain is overwhelmed about asking her for just one. I know she would give it to me, but I REALLY DON"T WANT IT!! but it seems to be in the back of my mind at all times.
Today is my fifth day and I am feeling really lethargic and kinda achy. I have been taking ibuprofen 800 along with tylenol and it does seem to keep my original pain at bay. I did finally eat last night and I also ate some toast today. That is good, cause for the first 3 days I ate nothing but a couple of bananas that I forced down. I am getting ready to go for a walk. I walked yesterday and I really believe it helped.
I read in your thread that you have horses. How awesome, I grew up with horses but haven't ridden for years. I also was reading Marian's post about moving, working, etc. I really want to have the health and energy that she has gotten since quitting. I always take the pills for energy (I tell myself) but I really never got much done.
I am looking forward to a new life.
I hope you stick with it. It is nice to have someone close in days to me to go through this with.
I am sorry to hear about your relapse.
Originally Posted by Ggeo
I know first hand what its like to feel you are never gonna be able to be clean and trust me i know about the feelings of things not being as fun when you are not using. But let me tell you something. I am now finally 6 months clean, after hundreds of failed attempts, and guess what? THings I thought were more fun when i was using are actually just as good clean, even better in some ways. It didnt happen overnight, it didnt happen in 1 month, or two or even three. But it DID finally happen. that was one of the things that kept me relapsing. Hell, doing dishes when iwas using seemed like a blast. I felt i would never get that enjuoyment back. But lets get real, who really thinks dishes are a blast. i do them now, not thinking i am having a great time, but feeling this aint bad at all. I have energy and i am getting stuff done. Please hang in there. Just think, by christmas you could be clean and very proud, and go into the new year clean.
This will be my first x-mas clean in years, please join me!
Wow! Read ShyBabys post! It definitely inspired me to keep going. I want what she has. I want to feel happy and normal and get back into shape. I hate that I let myself go so bad on Oxy. Like you said it gives me energy but then I'm too apathetic to actually do very much. Efn weird.
Use the Clonidine and the Ativan if you need it! The Clonidine works great for RLS and sweating and it makes me drowsy. The Ativan is good if you are feeling anxious and will also help you sleep. I wouldn't be afraid to use them at all and have in the past. Just know you won't use them longer than a couple of weeks. Why suffer needlessly especially if you are already wavering about relapsing? Right now your main focus is to stay off opiates and if there's something out there that will help you not use please consider using it.
Especially since someone in your home has yourDOC. I think we all know ACCESS is a huge part of relapse. If I have them in my house I WILL USE. Last time I was off for almost 2 months. I had pills in my home the entire time. I thought I was free and clear. Well, obviously I wasn't. And I can tell you right now if I had access I would be tempted. I can't be able to get any so those ties have been severed for good this time. I called my doctor and told him no more opiates. Ever. This was a huge step for me and a scary one. I have a small outpatient surgery coming to have my chemo port removed and I don't want anything for the pain that has an opiate in it.
I can't remember, does your family know about your drug addiction and that you're in w/d now? I hope you tell them. Secrets keep you sick. And your daughter with the Norcos should be told. I know you know this. If you REALLY WANT OFF the Opiate train to hell you have to fess up. Believe me, I know how hard it is. But truly cutting all ties to opiate availability is key to our recovery.
Hang in there buddy. We're here for you. No matter what..
Day 3 I believe...?
Confused because my post above says Day 3 ....dunno...usual muddled withdrawal thinking. My last Oxycodone was Sunday around 5 and it's Wednesday at 6 so beginning Day 4? no matter..
Anyway, I took 1200 mgs of Gabapentin last night and it knocked me out for a good 4 hours. I woke up at three and was able to go back to sleep waking up on and off until ten am! Pretty damn good. Without the Gaba I would be getting no sleep whatsoever.
I woke up strung out on the Gaba but felt good enough to tackle the kitchen which was a REAL MESS. I cleaned it very thoroughly too I may add. I also did laundry. On Day 3 I could NOT ever have done this so I know the Gaba is working. I can feel it wearing off now. Feeling the malaise and out of breath thing I usually have continually through w/d. And some depression too. Apparently Gaba also works as a mood stabilizer for some people.
Anyway the stuff knocks me out but takes a full 2 hours sometimes more to hit so I take it around 9:30pm. It seems to last almost a full day. Yay!
My husband left for work at 5:30 tonight. He works nights. Doesn't get home until around 3am. I was feeling a little lonely and depressed so my kids are coming over from their dads to hang with me until around 9 tonight. Nice! I threw a veggie lazagne in the oven for them. I kid you not, on Day 3 without the Gaba I would not have even been able to do that. No kidding.
Anyway, not a bad day at all. And this time around, having cut off my only supply to Oxycodone I have NO CHOICE but to slog through this. I know what's coming too. Lots of bad days peppered with a few good here and there.
Hanging in there....
Thanks to everyone reading..
What up Ggeo! It's been quite some time since I've posted here but I just clicked the bookmark and saw your post so I thought id say hello!
So glad you said Hey to me. I just read your post on another thread.
Did you make it out of Oregon and back to Vegas was it? Everything good in your world? You're still opiate free?
I fell again several times. Too embarrassed to come back here I went to a different forum. This time I figured what the hell? It's time to come back.
Took my Gabapentin last night at 9:30 and predictably fell asleep around midnight. Slept hard. Woke up at 5:30am unable to fall back asleep but whatever! I'll take it. Being a chronic insomniac before opiates that 5-1/2 hours was far more than I normally get.
Upon awakening i had the watery eyes, coughing and sneezing of w/d and other than Feeling a little weird, tired and stiff I'm pretty darn ok right now. I know how much worse I could have it on Day 4. However for me the physical withdrawal is nothing compared to the mental ???? that comes later. The depression that I fear is right around the corner waiting for me is what I fear most.
We'll see what the day brings.
Well it didn't take long!
Just journaling here....diarrhea has set in and emotionally I'm feeling low. Ugh. I am wondering how much of this is just in my mind however as my husband informed me he is going to be gone all day with a friend. Things have not been great between us since he did something deceitful the day before I began withdrawal. I'm not over it even though he's tried to make up.
Anyway kinda tied to the bathroom right now. I really should force myself to walk or ride today. I hope I have it in me.
Originally Posted by Ggeo
I just want to know how you are doing. I wrote to you on my thread but you probably didn't see it. How are the symptoms today. Today I felt almost normal. It has been almost a week for me. I still feel blah but from everything I read that is normal. Been walking a lot and actually drove my youngest daughter around to do errands. It has been a long time since I actually got something done. It's really funny, when I was walking today I was walking like a snail just kinda slowly doing it and I had a thought to go faster and I did. Believe it or not I could feel normality returning. I sure hope I stay on this track.
It would be nice if we could get a lot of newbies here to do this with us.
Hope you had a great day today.
Just stopping in to say hi. I've been reading your new thread for the past few days but haven't commented. This morning, I chastised myself and so here I am, not only checking but giving you a big, fat cheer!!!
Hope today goes well for you. You have got to be almost there being done with most of the physical stuff, right? Is this Day 5? Remarkable! You go girl!
Hi JustPlainDone and Catrina!
Well thankfully today turned out to be a good day! It's because of the Gabapentin however. Doing great today on Day 5! took 1600 mgs of Gabapentin last night and then again this morning. I was determined to try and be normal today. So I got up early, took my Gaba and went riding with my friends and it was great! It's 4 in the afternoon and I still feel good. Totally normal. I have energy. Definitely the Gabapentin working, and probably some mind over matter too.....oh if only this would continue....
I am however, bloated from the Gabapentin and it definitely increases my appetite. Not good for my weight loss but without it I couldn't get anything down during the first few days in withdrawal. So I'm ok with it..
Just Plain, wow that's great you're doing pretty good already. You must be thrilled. I'm so happy for you.
Having been through this so many times before I'm afraid my feeling good will end and I will enter this depressed flat stage that goes on for what seems like forever. However the longest I've been opiate free in the past 2-1/2 years is 2 months. Not
long enough to get past all the ????. It has been the reason for relapses...I know now I must give it more time. It may even take a year from what I've heard. More importantly though is the lack of ACCESS now. I honestly have NO way of getting pills. All my Drs know know..that's the step I needed to take. My Oncologist and my GYN were both on board, however it's been my Primary Care Dr who just wouldn't accept that I was an addict! Weird....not right..He gets it now though...
Catrina, I need to go check out your story. Thanks to both of you for posting.
just wanted to stop by and say hi !!! you got it this time !!!
and hi to Cat to !!! and marian and shy and everyone else
Thanks Melinda! I appreciate the post...
Another great day! Wow...unbelievable...I took my last Oxycodone at 5pm last Sunday night and it's Saturday at 9:35 right now. That's a week right? And an absolutely perfectly normal day without ONE withdrawal symptom! Mentally or physically. The Gabapentin is amazing. *
Took 1600mgs of Gabapentin last night but was still awake at 3am. I know tolerance builds very quickly with this drug so now that im taking it regularly and during the day as well i suppose it no longer knocks me out. Thats ok...Drowsed til 6:30 when my daughter came in and got me up to take her and her horse to her Pony Club. Slammed a coffee and another 1600mgs of Gaba. I felt great at the Pony Club! This is an event that requires me to be very social with people uh....how do I put this delicately? People I'd never choose to hang around..hehe..Oxy always helped here and I normally popped an extra dose to handle this. Today, I was great with no opiates. After Pony Club we had a ton of errands to do and I had no problem with my energy level.*
Gaba really doing it's job..
I know im probably going to face some mental stuff when I wean off the Neurontin but for now...today...I feel great and so thrilled to be off opiates.
Last edited by ddcmod; 10-30-2011 at 12:58 AM.
Still clean! And doing ok so far. Going to begin tapering off the Gabapentin. I didn't take any today.
Hi ggeo I am just checking in to see how you are doing. I can tell by your post you are doing well. I am happy to hear that. Hope you and I both stay on this path. There is also another newbie like us who just quit percs a couple of days ago. Their name is cannot sleep, It is nice to have other people in our situations.
Day 12....justPlainDone, you around?
Still clean and now off the Gabapentin...
JustPlainDone, can you private message me?
Ggeo so interesting that I had been thinking of you the week you posted and I could just feel you were struggling somehow. I am so proud of you for taking the brave steps to get completely clean. Didn't you have a surgery shortly after you got clean the last time or am I thinking of the one you will be having to get your port out. I wonder why they left it in so long? Is there a reason for that, or are you still going through treatment? Bless you sister. Keep on with a healthy life ahead of you
I would love to How do I do it?
Originally Posted by Ggeo
Congrats on getting married!