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Relapse is Entirely Possible...For Me!
Relapse is Entirely Possible...For Me!
I never thought it would happen to me...again. Really thought I had it whipped this time. I said I would do anything and everything to make certain it wouldn't happen. I said I would remain clean for the rest of my life. I really and truly believed that. I am so ashamed and embarrassed to post this. Nearly 2 months clean down the drain.
I got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. I put myself in that position. No one is to blame but myself. It happened on the last Holiday weekend. I have been using since. I not only used pills, but cocaine also. What a waste I have become. I hate myself so much right now.
I want to apologize to those that I offended here. To those that I called names, and really, really upset with some of my posts. I am so sorry y'all for all of it. I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, and I won't do that now. I am so scared to even post this and not sure if I should, but here it is anyway.
I know what I need to do, but I really thought I was already doing it? Something was definitely missing? I haven't used as of TODAY, but the cravings are relentless. Those drugs are hounding me until I take something. I am doing my best not to just for today. I think if I can make it through today I could really do it again?
I thought it would be ok to take that first dose and then stop. Yea, right? That first dose turned into many more doses, and then many more after that. Now I must deal with the aftermath of it all. I am really the biggest loser ever.
Thought my "foundation" was solid this time. Thought going to meetings and having a sponsor would make the difference. I barely gave them a thought when offered that first dose this time. It was somehow different because I believed I had the things in place to keep me from using again. Not really sure what to do now about that part???
I do have access to some subs from my friend that recently got clean. Ironically it was ME begging HER to clean up her life, now it's HER begging ME to do the same. I know if I choose the subs it will take 6-8 weeks or so to get clean. I'm going to try and give the cold turkey method one more chance this time. I have only used for about 8 days this time, but it has been a large amount of drugs. About 200-300 mg of Vicodin, Oxy's, Perc's per day, and Cocaine. Thank God I used no H this time.
If I can't continue with with the cold turkey, I will use the subs. Again I'm sorry for my past posts here and I apologize once more to EVERYONE. I really believe this is the last "day one" I have in me. I just don't know if I can get clean again? Can't believe I put myself in this position. What a total loser I am.
Come on. We've all been there. Geez. I got to two years clean, and look at me now.
Chin up, girl. No pity party here.
It happens, and you caught it in time. I think CT off a week shouldn't be so bad, you can do this. And if you have to go the sub route again, I think you'd probably be inducted at less than 1mg.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
However, you need to take a long, hard look at your life.
Obviously, meetings, a sponsor and therapy were not enough.
Your lifestyle, the people you hang out with, those are triggers too.
I mean, in my case, it took one, just ONE thing to drag me back into the underground.
Just one contact who popped up.
You need to do what you have to in order to make it stick this time.
You need to reach out for the help you'll require down the path.
Again, no pity. What a useless emotion. A waste of your time.
Get angry, get determined, and get on that horse again.
You can do this.
Originally Posted by Strong Desire
Karen, You say you are sorry for the name calling… Is that why you think people got fed up with you? Personally speaking, it has NEVER been the name calling, it’s the BS. Lie after lie after lie…. Anyone that goes to NA/AA can see what you do not know… your son, your sponsor, your therapist, I can’t even list them all, there are far too many! Instead of coming back with your “relapse poor me attitude”, why not try telling the TRUTH FOR ONCE on an anonymous forum! What do you have to lose?
Originally Posted by winged eagle
You're right of course. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself and it really is a useless emotion, but it's how I really feel right now. I have told many others to get mad at those drugs and now I must do the very same thing. I feel like a complete idiot right now.
I REALLY thought it was different this time. No way would I ever use again, but it happened anyway. I had my meetings, my sponsor and other things, but it wasn't enough like you said. It has to be my lifestyle? I am guessing I don't even know what all of my triggers are???
I deleted friends numbers, and even changed my own number. But I seem to place myself in contact with the wrong people and the wrong times. Sorta like I try to proove to myself that I can be around "those" people and refrain from using. That is CRAZY thinking on my part!
I know I can do it with the subs like I did before, but want to give cold turkey an honest effort this time. Might be able to make it along with the Thomas Recipe minus the benzo's of course?
You're doing GREAT by the way. You must be very proud of yourself. I have been reading your posts and I believe you will make it this time.
Thanks for your kind words,
I'm trying very hard to do that now Dee. Please allow me the opportunity to do so.
Originally Posted by LovesAnimals
Hmmm... And I guess you have to answer to this, Karen.
Originally Posted by LovesAnimals
A lot of people are pissed off, and there are valid reasons.
Why the inconsistencies?
Listen, you could be anyone. We don't care.
As long as you have a problem with drugs and need to stop, people here will help you.
But Dee is right...
Ask yourself the above questions.
Maybe your relapse had to do with that.
Thanks for the encouragement and for reading my thread, that's nice :-)
Originally Posted by winged eagle
I'm not sure if this relapse had to do with any of that or not? Maybe so? I do have a problem with drugs, and I do need help to stop.
I know people are really pissed off and upset. And I really am sorry about that. I just went waaaay overboard in trying to fit in and be liked so much on an anonymous forum. To be the popular one. And it really doesn't even matter in the least.
But I really am working on it through therapy right now. I know it's plenty good enough just to be an addict looking for help.
As was stated you need to really try, really try, to tell the truth: That was my feeling from the first and why I thought that you had a strong chance of relapse. Yeah, you're out there doing all the right things, but all you were doing was distancing your self from your addiction and the fact that you are an ADDICT. That was what people were trying to tell you, Ruth especially. So quit the poor me bs, get back on track and try to come to terms that you are an addict and always will be. That's no reason to use or excuse to use, it is a fact of your life. So accept what you must and move on. C/T would be a good experience for you to suffer through, like comeback kid says: How many day 1's do you have left in you? And the c/t shouldn't be that bad as you've been using only a short time.
You're right of course. I need to get right back up and do this again. I guess I probably should "suffer" through CT this time to keep me on track like you say. Might be a very good thing this time. As I said in my first post, my days of going back to day one's is at the end. This has to be the very last time for me. I will make the subs my last resort if needed.
Originally Posted by iloerose
I'm feeling horrible right now. Cravings are at their peak. All kinds of symptoms as everyone has at this point. All I can do to keep from using. Need to flush what I have right away like I did the last time, and I will do that. I've made it this far today not using and no need to look back. Got to keep going and treat the symptoms as the appear.
I new to this how do I post a new thread? Please
Karen there are three basic requirements to get clean and stay clean Honesty, humility and spirituality. The first two are required for the third to happen. You were overconfident, and somewhat arrogant with the :I'll never use again" none of us know for sure as the book says we are granted a daily reprieve based upon our spiritual condition.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself, you did what addicts do use dope That is why I tried to tell you there is a big difference in admitting and acceptance. Hang tight Dog
I hope my hunch is wrong.
Come back here and tell me you're on day two...
Where is your son during all this using... I am just not sure you WANT to be clean.
Lather, rinse, repeat...Karen comes back with a tale of woe, sure to bring lots of attention...STILL NOT RINGING TRUE.
Originally Posted by surfdog
I've stopped feeling sorry for myself.....
I have not uused since 3 days ago.....so this is my 2nd day clean.....
My parents are helping me withh my son....and got me thee items for the thomas recipe...
I really do want to stop using and get clean for goood this time....
I am trying to be honest here and really humble myself....
Sunny Mom....I am here posting insteaad of using. Please try to give me positive encouragement if you can. I am NOT heree for the attention, but only to seek what help I can to gte and remain clean.....
i flushed ALL of my remaining pills....
I WAS way overconfident qnd really arrogant....
I am trying real hard to acceptt the fact that I'm an addict for life and need help to get and remainn clean...
I'm here right now instead of using again or attemptingg to get something...
Shakingg really bad so sorry for any typos...not sure if i can take it much longer and may use the subs ?
those aren't typos.
PLEASE get real.
i've refrained from posting for a while, cuz i don't know what to do with you.
this isn't a joke.
i'm not even offended..
i'm just at a loss.
if u lie about something as trivial as typos...
then how are we supposed to believe anything else?...
like..that u relapsed...
do u understand?
u have to be ENTIRELY honest...
if u did relapse..THAT'S why..
this is an HONEST program..
our old behaviors.. (like lying) make us use..
i honestly don't know what to say anymore.
i honestly do wish the best for u though.
and i do think u tell half-truths..
but all of this embellishing..and dramatics
it's just too much.
just GET REAL.
that's rly all i've got.
until then...there's rly nothing else that we can do for u.
u say ur here for help..
but then u lie.
what do u want help with?
lol..i just don't get it..
if we do help..with what u say..
what good would that do anyways?
we would just be helping this story in ur head..
u can't apply it to ur life..because in reality..it's only half of ur life..
and it rly just boils down to being a waste of time..
i just don't know.
and i don't wanna sound mean..
but i didn't even wanna post..
cuz it's almost like i'm feeding into the attention seeking..
this is frustrating.
u helped bring me out of my shell here..
so i have a soft spot for u..
but ..lol...now i don't wanna sound dramatic..
but i don't even know who YOU are anymore.
just GET REAL.
until then..and this is BECAUSE I CARE..
i'm not going to post to u anymore.
because i think feeding into this IS ACTUALLY HURTING YOU.
good luck karen.
on the plus side..
i've been having trouble, emotionally...with an amends i have to make.
(i know it's too early for that..but i HAVE to make this)
and it's been rly hard on me..
it was..not a lie..
rather an ommission of the truth..
that i've been living out for quite a while now..
and it's eating me up inside.
and u've helped me realize what lying will do to me.
SO EVEN THOUGH IT'S HARD NOW..
I KNOW telling the truth will be better in the long run.
so thank you for the lesson karen.
once u become ENTIRELY HONEST..
u'd be suprised how HARD it becomes to tell a lie..
or live a lie..
it's just easier living in peace karen.
that's what i wholeheartedly wish for u.
I love going to movies... One thing I have learned about movies is that Sequels generally $uck...
Originally Posted by Strong Desire
I truly doubt this forum can help you. We have been unable to educate you on what honesty or humility means. When there are more than a dozen people telling you basically the same thing, and it isn't penetrating, your problems are beyond our scope here.
Yes - you were supremely arrogant, rude and disrespectful - and a simple, "I'm so sorry - now I need you again," just doesn't make it all better. Insulting the old-timers was rude enough - but we have learned the life skills we need to get past it and not allow your words or actions to affect our emotional equilibrium. Your actions are not going to drive us back to a drink or drug.
BUT - what you've done to some newcomers to this forum is what really upsets me.
There are so many people on this forum who truly WANT the help we can offer. And they accept our suggestions and remain open to do whatever it takes to stay clean. But you seem to see this forum as a social club... and your antics have been too much emotional upheaval for many of the newcomers to have to deal with.
YOU appointed yourself as the "welcoming committee" for all the new folks... then they began to follow your thread. Then, all your dishonesty and the craziness that followed in that thread put them through all sorts of emotions that they did NOT need to deal with, in their early recovery. When we're new, it's quite enough to try to deal with our own lives and the new, raw emotions. We don't need more than that. But that's what you did here, by inviting them all over to read your nonsense.
You disagreed when we asked you to stop posting all over the forum - giving advice and soliciting friendships. You wanted admirers... more viewers to your thread... more attention and more approval. We tried to tell you that you were out of line doing what you were doing. But - like everything else - you disagreed, and had to do it YOUR WAY. Well, look where YOUR WAY has taken you. Maybe - just maybe - those of us with more time and more education may have a whole lot more wisdom about recovery; maybe we know what we're talking about. And maybe you do not.
One thing I'd like to see you post is EXACTLY what happened that set you up for a relapse. But we want the FULL STORY - and the FULL TRUTH, not the cleaned up version. Don't leave out the parts you don't want others to know. IF you post it - take ownership. If you post the TRUTH, it may help someone else keep from making the same mistake.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
Ive been there... a time or 3....no problem....just keep mindset knowing that day 4 will be better then 3 and day 6 better than 5.....hell its only day 10 for me...but I have been out and about for 4 days now....and today is brighter than yesterday. Instead of sitting home sweating high....feeling like doing nothing....or sitting home sick till you can afford to use.....please do the time....4 days was my hump day and improvement everyday since. I never saw your other threads....no judgement here. Just please do the time to detox and keep posting.
Good luck...you will make it.
Jayomatic: "I never saw your other threads..."
Me:"WHEW>>>>> There are things you should be thankful for and this is one of them.. Good luck in your journey Jay
Karen, I really hope you are not considering using suboxone again. There is no way that the wd's from an 8 day relapse warrant the use of subs. Also, I do believe that it will be good for your recovery to actually deal with the consequences of your actions...ie. a little discomfort.
I agree with Mike, but have no clue if this whole thing is real or it is just another grab at attention....(sorry for the mistrust, but you earned it... I have never seen in 3 years a thread get closed and deleted)
My experience was that I needed to actually work a program of recovery and connect with a higher power in order to stay sober. I thought the same thing as you on meetings and sponsor and I've heard many other people share that. Usually if you're a real deal addict or alcoholic, meetings are not enough.
Thought going to meetings and having a sponsor would make the difference
The fact that you were in a position for someone to offer you something MIGHT be a problem? I know I do not want to risk putting myself in positions like this, usually if I am it's because subconsciously I want to get high or drink and I'm just lying to myself.
I barely gave them a thought when offered that first dose this time
"I saw will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. An alcoholic (addict) at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first one." (paraphrased from AA book)
I've put myself in plenty of situations where I thought I could handle something and sometimes I could...but many times I could not. Whether I'm running on willpower or not even thinking, I can and have gotten high.
Good luck Karen, everytime I read your posts I think of how it works chapter from AA.
"They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty....their chances are less than average...." My suggestion would be (as some old timers put it) - stop lying and get honest. Honesty is essential to getting better.
Ruth nailed it...wish i could say it so well.
wasn't going to post, because i thought better not give you the attention.
then i remembered what made me upset the last thread.
i'm not so worried about the last group that did indeed, at least most of them, survive your thread and keep on,
now it's other's that are new or just reading.....
just like last time my concern is for those struggling in life and death situations.
going to take a shortcut.
i do not believe you are in NA.
I do not believe you have a sponsor.
I do not believe you are clean.
does that mean i'm calling you a liar as you got so angry about last time?
i do not want this thread to span out and last like the last one.
think of other's for once.....stop this. please.
Thank you and Goodnight......................Word
P.S. Way too busy at work to deal with this **** again. Typos? Really? Geez, what do you think I do for a living? I edit and read hundreds of papers every 4-6 weeks. You are insulting the intelligence of the people of this board.
Last edited by iloerose; 09-10-2012 at 02:54 PM.
"You are insulting the intelligence of the people of this board. "
on a side note, have I told you I can count to Potato?