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Need to talk
  1. #1
    wellbri is offline Banned
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    Default Need to talk

    Hey guys, sorry to post a second thread but I figure people seeing this would be more inclined to look. I am 16 days clean but am having a rough time mentally. I haven't been able to sleep yesterday and anxiety, anger and depression have really kept me down and I haven't been able to sleep. I feel physically fine but I am at almost crisis level with my emotions. I keep telling myself I acted in this way in 2012 when I got clean the first time, but this time seems different. Without going into my back story more I will go into a few things that seem to be the basis of how my anger/depression etc.

    - I lost my father at 16 and mother at 20.
    - My other "family" aren't supportive and I don't even feel close to them, nor would they understand this
    - My brother left me to take care of my sick mother and watching her sickness slowly kill her has scared me in ways I only seem to realize when I am not using, along with the guilt I feel for not being able to help her


    I, like I am sure a good majority of the people here have considered suicide more than I can count. Right now though it almost seems like it would be a big relief and not just an escape. My destructive behavior since the weekend has been terrible.

    -Violent anger outbursts on a couple of people.
    -I disciplined my dog too hard when she went to the bathroom in the house and I feel terrible about it
    -I have been a cutter since I was 16 and this weekend I have tore up all my arms to where I can't wear short sleeve t-shirts even though it was 87 degrees outside.
    -I have destroyed or damaged a good part of my house.
    -I have threatened my brother violently over something very minor.
    -The girl I love being in a different country and realizing that I am no good for her, who I >>>>ed everything with.

    I just don't have a grip on myself. I am not worried about going to using because I can understand that this goes further than that. I own numerous firearms and I am worried about the safety of those around me. I am not suicidal right now and can guarantee that I will not harm myself and will not use. I know I have been in this state many a times before, but I have never had anyone to talk to and the ones that I could just don't seem to care or know other than the "get over it" "move on" or one I heard on Friday "what can ya do?" which led me to getting violently angry at a restaurant with my best friend, who is the best friend anybody could ask for who has always been their for me and I feel terrible about it. He just doesn't know that I am newly clean or the extent of my drug use for him to understand that 13 days (which was how many days I had on Friday) is for me. Same with my brother, for all he knows is I just have anger issues. I am sorry about the long thread but I need to get this all out, I am at my wits end and even though I am "moving on" in life, having the life I have in general just won't get better and everyone around me either doesn't know, doesn't show, or doesn't care. Any advice would just be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Sunshine1112 is offline Advanced Member
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    There is so many people here to offer support that will love and care. I think this board is a great place to start and I stay very close to it. Would not have made it this far without it. Unfortunately I have found that it is not a cure all and most need more then this board. It sounds like you really need to deal with all the devastation and loss you have had to deal with. Have you considered any type of therapies? Perhaps Aa/NA? It helps to be around people that understand. If you could surround yourself with this board and others that have been thru this it might be easier on you. Dealing with emotions is not easy and you need to find another outlet besides taking your anger out on yourself and others. Please stay strong it gets better!!

  3. #3
    Melina123 is offline Senior Member
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    Hey Wellbri sorry ur having such trouble. The thing I worry about.is.the.explosive.temper and.guns. More that u may hurt urself than others. U know if u go to an er and tell them ur suicidal they will keep u 72 hours? That might bee a.way to get connected to some resources u need. Take care, Mel

  4. #4
    wellbri is offline Banned
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    Hey everyone. I am doing better today. I had a rough morning but I was able to get through it quick. I will post back later today I am bust with work right now. Thank you for all the support! Even though I havent posted I have read your responses and they did help a lot.

  5. #5
    Melina123 is offline Senior Member
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    Keep it up Bri!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

  6. #6
    wellbri is offline Banned
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    Hey everyone, I just woke up from a nap. I feel asleep at 8 p.m., I was having one of those days to where your brain is on overload and you can't even think. I just laid in my bed and next thing I know it's 1 a.m. Earlier I went to the beach by myself. I think a big part of the way I have been feeling is the fact that my sleeping schedule is off. I fell off my pink cloud hard and fast this time around and I wasn't sure how or why.I am lucky that I have stayed strong though and haven't used to self medicate.

    Melina - Their is a place around here where you can check yourself into voluntarily, a lot of people do it to try and detox. While I am not detoxing anymore per se, it would be nice to just get out of the >>>>ing world for a few days. The only thing that doesn't make me consider it is that you can't smoke their. If you could, I would be giving it serious thought, but you can't so I know that wouldn't be too good for me, even though I know I should quit lol. But it is the only thing that helps me right now. I am thinking about reaching out to family members tomarrow just to tell them what has been going on with me and see if they have anything to say. Thing is is that I don't even know what I am doing. I will try though. Wish me luck I will post back on here tomarrow.

  7. #7
    wellbri is offline Banned
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    Hello every one just checking in to show that I'm still around. Day 22 for me, I may be clean but sure am not serne as they would say in NA lol. What was hard for me the first time around was that I was 21 years old, and a couple of times I did open up to people, in a way they could understand like "Yeah I use to do a lot of drugs, and I am just trying to stay away from it now" as reasons for not going out. Obviously I was on probation so nobody would question me. At 24 years old now and trying to abstain from drugs again it is still hard. I have friends who like to go out all the time and my friends mom even got on me one time saying "You are 24 you should be going out and having fun, don't waste your youth". Even though she has a drug and drinking problem herself. Like I have said earlier, you don't get any pats on the back from other people. Well, I will see how this next couple of weeks play out, and if I can get my bearings straight, which I think has played a role in why I have been feeling the way I have been feeling. How is everyone else doing? I will check back in here later.

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