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Need painkillers for pain but can't stop abusing them
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    Default Need painkillers for pain but can't stop abusing them

    Due to a back injury I am stuck with chronic pain. The only thing is, I can't take substance properly and abuse anything that makes me feel good. Alcohol and pills have been a crutch on and off for years and although I have gone a year without having an addiction, except smoking, this time of year always brings me back to that self abusing behaviour. After months of returning to the doctor for an early prescription repeat, he told me he was getting me off them. Ive been to addictions counselling once, and will be going once a week, and the counsellor said that she isn't comfortable with me coming off opiates without a pain management plan. The problem is, I know what I have to do, I know that I can do it, Im just not feeling like things are happening quick enough. There is too much time in the day for me to make mistakes. There is too much fear and darkness at night that keeps me searching. There are too many people that can be hurt in the process. I've tapered myself from 12 5/325 mgs of Percocet a day to 6 a day. Its been a week on 6 a day and I feel horrible. Its like very time I drop down a dose I am withdrawing and feeling depressed. The pain is real. Still waiting call back from addictions worker doctor about a taper plan for me.
    Does anyone have any experience that would help make this tapering easy? It feels like hell but a small price to pay to get my life back. A full meaningful life, not the one Ive been living without passion. Does tapering actually lessen the WD symptoms when jumping off the meds altogether? Ive been increasing vitamin d and trying to eat, but no appetite or energy, I wish I could just sleep this away Im willing to do the work, just need a little more guidance. One member has been amazing with support and I was hoping there was more people that could relate or help along the way. Thanks in advance. )))))

  2. #2
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there!
    Welcome
    I know others will come to help you .
    If it were me I would just jump off now and get it over 5-7 days you are through the worst .
    With tapering you are prolongi the agony.
    There is no way to get through this pain free..
    There are some suggestions on the thomas recipe on here that really do help
    Drinking water your cells need to be hydrated
    A good vitamin with minerals
    Exercise is key to start producing endorphins again even if u have to start small..
    And others for specific issues.
    Progress not perfection..
    Finding a support group somewhere u can go and hear people who have successfully gone through this and succeeded..
    Either way you go one of the best things you can do is keep posting on here .
    It brings relief and you will get support and see others doing it and you will help others!

    The thearaputic value of one addict helping another! There is nothing like it!
    We need each other..
    Others will not understand ..
    That would be my choice.. Get it over , move on and the world will be your oyster!
    Go For It!
    Iluv2

  3. #3
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    Sounds terrifying but truthful. Im just afraid that if I don't get this pain plan in place, I will be turning to other substances to numb what lies beneath the addiction. That first addictions meeting stirred up a lot that I thought was buried and gone. Turns out it was just sitting there waiting to erupt.
    I have a small support group, my husband and friend but you're right about people not understanding unless they have been there. How much will they understand before they give up on me? I can't give on myself. Thats the important part.
    First step is calling it a night and getting my sleep. Early morning soccer practice for my oldest son tomorrow. 5 to 7 days seems a long time for a mom to be unavailable but looking at the bigger picture means my kids will get the best of me long term. Im done pretending. Its too exhausting. I need help and I think this site is the best thing that has happened to me and my addiction.
    Thanks Iluv2! can't wait to get my smile back!
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  4. #4
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    One day at a time Butterfly.....I know it seems like a lot right now....just keep posting....EVERYTHING your feeling!!! I wish some others would jump on here, with there support and any other advice they can offer....They WILL!! Hope you get some rest tonight....and your weekend goes at least...OK!! Stay Strong Butterfly!!..Assertiveness.....Take a stand, express your honest thoughts and feelings...and reclaim self-esteem!!

  5. #5
    New Better is offline Member
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    Butteflylove,

    Tapering is not the most recommended method on these boards, and not for everyone. To me, your tapering method seems a bit aggressive, 50% in 6 days ? Really you have almost jumped already, you could just get it over with, but you can't go backwards. To me tapering is a slow process, it is pretty much constant withdraw, you will only keep some of the symptoms at bay, but you will stabilize. Whatever route you take, stick to your plan.

    -Chris
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  6. #6
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    My taper started at 12 a day than 10 to 8 now 6. Next week will be 5 and so im down to 2 than none. Just tired a lot but able to function and chronic pain is being numbed for now. Trying to get to Christmas or at least next weekend perhaps I'll take Friday and Monday off to do it. It's been better than the wds I've been through before

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    New Better is offline Member
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    Sounds like a plan to me. Stay with it, you'll be alright. When you say 12,10,8,6, are you saying that your dropping 10mg a week, 5 days, or what ? Just wondering.

    Best Wishes,

    -Chris

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    Yep 10 mgs a week. Is that normal? I have to talk to a professional at addictions services on monday to help with taper and also a back pain clinic to get pain management in place.
    I made up the taper when reading threads from here. Come to think of it the tapers have been from suboxone though, Not the same.
    Ive been on 30mgs a day for 2 weeks now because the quick drop from 60mgs to 30mgs in 1.5 weeks was rough. But I feel clearer headed and less irritable and way more hopeful.

  9. #9
    New Better is offline Member
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    Normal......don't know if there is such a thing, but big drops can be rough, but you sound like your doing great. I found with my own taper that I was ahead of schedule (which is good), I was shooting for a specific date, due to work, and found myself ready to jump before my planned vacation days. I hope yours turns out as planned, or better.

    -Chris

  10. #10
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    Thanks Chris,
    The big drop was rough and ya i get nothing like this being normal lol
    i find myself ready before next week too but going to stick to the plan like you said. Sitting at home by myself on a saturday is no fun to an addict suffering big changes and depression so I am very lucky to have someone to talk to tonight. Thanks xxoo

  11. #11
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hope you got some rest tonight Butterfly....and happy to see Chris jump on, and give some support and advice!! I will say that there is a BIG difference between perc's...oxy's..etc.......and Suboxone...Hope you can discuss that more with your addiction counselor ??? Anyway, Your doing really GOOD....Just keep posting....and WE will get you off this BEAST.....soon.........Stay Strong Butterfly!! I like that....coming out of your cacoon(sp)...xo

  12. #12
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    Hi Dave,

    I made myself go to bed around 11pm and listened to music before falling asleep. Couldn't stop crying but they say tears are a good release so I just let it flow. Weekends suck for me as my family is usually busy and friends too. I feel the most alone on weekends. I have my 2 young kids that keep me very busy but I organize crafts and baking and lots of imaginative play but at the end of the day I feel so empty.
    Im never going through a weekend again like this one. Time to start attending meetings to stay busy and be around people that will understand. I can't expect others to entertain me or stop what they are doing to help me through so Im going to take life into my own hands and do what needs to be done.

    I deleted my Facebook account because it just made me more sad to see others living their lives happily and without having to try. I know Facebook makes everyone lives look fun as my account reflected the same thing. But I didn't want to waste another minute on it while I recover because it wasn't making me feel good.

    Just got in from playing in the leaves outside and that felt so good. Now we are watching a show and waiting for our coffee and donuts from hubby and brother in law.
    Can you believe that we found a caterpillar outside today? We named it then helped it find a safe home to build a cocoon. The dogs were too interested in it for us to leave it find its own way. I took this as a sign that we all need a little help to find a safe way to build ourselves into beautiful butterflies.
    Hope you had a wonderful night and that it was filled with love and laughter Peace and Love

    Kim xxoo
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  13. #13
    New Better is offline Member
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    Kim,

    I have never attended a meeting, but also have not ruled them out, I think that, that is a great idea. The sneezing and the run away emotions are very strange symptoms, and I remember them well. Music also helped me, and still does, I used to listen to talk radio, news and such, to and from work, I rarely do that any more, most all music now. Hang in there, stick to your plan.

    -Chris
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  14. #14
    solidmike is offline New Member
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    WDrawling from opiates can be done. To not taper would be Hell. Get yourself down to 1 per Day. It works. Good Luck

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    Hey Chris,

    Talk radio would be so anxiety provoking to me. Music speaks to my soul so Ill def keep doing that Thanks for the suggestions.

  16. #16
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    Its def difficult to taper because as soon as my body adjusts, i drop again and spend another week trying to adjust. I was injured on Thursday at work and have been given a week off. Its crazy how the percs do nothing for pain, only from keeping me from getting sick. Ive called so many places today to get my treatment plan in order and the call back times are so long. Im ready to do this and have a support plan in place, but it seems like none is on the same schedule as me. lol Cant change anything but how i think about it I suppose. Im looking forward to my next addictions counselling on wednesday for the next step in this journey. WD from opiates and experiencing depression at the same time. Not a very fulfilled life right now.
    Has anyone had any experience with a medical detox? I would hate to have to do this in my home with my >>> not being able to access mommy. Im sure my husband would be supportive but I really don't want my kids to see me that way. I suppose I have heard about it being compared to looking like the flu. So there is always that to tell them. Any advice ?

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    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    My Opinion....Your other thread....Go In....21 Days...For Your LIFE BACK!!! Stay Strong Butterfly!!xo

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    Quote Originally Posted by davepeerson View Post
    My Opinion....Your other thread....Go In....21 Days...For Your LIFE BACK!!! Stay Strong Butterfly!!xo
    I would love to....so called today and thought Im ready to go in next week. Ya, doesn't happen that way. Long waiting list. Was given more numbers for opiate recovery doctors closer to my area. Going to call them tomorrow. Really need a break here. I make one phone call and Im given at least 2 different numbers to call. How is someone suffering with a mind numbing addiction suppose to be able to handle this. No wonder people are stuck for so long. Hard to get help when you want it. Oh well, keeping my spirits up with the though that I don't have to work everyday and keep up the strong everything is ok show.
    Im looking for an outpatient program that I can attend daily until I am able to be admitted. Worse comes to worse, ill suck it up and detox for the week, then continue seeking support. New injury means more pain to deal with but I think Ill feel better not being controlled by something. I really should get myself to a meeting Working on putting myself first can be difficult as as much as husband wants to help, he owns his own company so he works a lot. Others that can help work too so still stuck with all the duties. Same stuff different mind frame. I am ready to stop complaining and move forward. Will be praying for this to happen sooner than later as I can feel the depression coming on strong being alone in the house all day off work. Thankfully I have this site.
    NAMASTE

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    New Better is offline Member
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    Kim,

    However you decide, which way to do this, stick with it, and don't move in the wrong direction. I'm certain it will all come together soon.

    -Chris
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  20. #20
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    That's right Butterfly.....Things WILL work out, if YOU keep pressing forward!! Outpatient would be ok....and A MEETING would REALLY do YOU a WORLD of GOOD right now!! You walk into a Good AA or NA meeting...and just speak up....Don't need to say much first time....just tell them your NEW at this, and hurting right now!! You'll be AMAZED at the support you WILL RECEIVE!! You will NEVER be alone on this Journey, unless YOU choose to be....and believe ME, the MORE support you can get....the Better!! Keep talking on here Kim, and PLEASE consider a Meeting.....Soon.....and also the outpatient.....I have a Song for YOU to listen to....Maybe You know it....I just heard it on the CMA country Music awards show....it's perfect for YOU...and anyone trying to make a change in their life....Give it a listen....if you haven't already heard it....Carrie Underwood....Called...Something in the Water!!...Stay Strong Butterfly....You CAN do this...xo

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by davepeerson View Post
    That's right Butterfly.....Things WILL work out, if YOU keep pressing forward!! Outpatient would be ok....and A MEETING would REALLY do YOU a WORLD of GOOD right now!! You walk into a Good AA or NA meeting...and just speak up....Don't need to say much first time....just tell them your NEW at this, and hurting right now!! You'll be AMAZED at the support you WILL RECEIVE!! You will NEVER be alone on this Journey, unless YOU choose to be....and believe ME, the MORE support you can get....the Better!! Keep talking on here Kim, and PLEASE consider a Meeting.....Soon.....and also the outpatient.....I have a Song for YOU to listen to....Maybe You know it....I just heard it on the CMA country Music awards show....it's perfect for YOU...and anyone trying to make a change in their life....Give it a listen....if you haven't already heard it....Carrie Underwood....Called...Something in the Water!!...Stay Strong Butterfly....You CAN do this...xo
    THATS MY SONG! Goosebumps! Im going to play that every time I get frustrated until I sing it in my sleep. When I need motivation, when I need anything, Im going to be reminded of the song. KEEP THE FAITH, I CHANGED! IM CHANGING! Thanks Dave, as usual. I could never thank you enough,
    How you feeling being 3months away from 2 years sober? I talk about me all thread long lol bla bla bla, I want to hear about YOU!
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  22. #22
    TimetoQuit323 is offline Junior Member
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    Hello! I think we could maybe help each other through these hard times. Just like you, I need these things for pain but can't stop taking more that I am supposed to. I broke my L1 in the Army and needed a L5-S! Spinal fusion a year later. Currently, I have a bulge in my L5-L4 and arthritis that has a name by I can't think of it as I sit here. I can't go without the pills or else I am useless due to the pain but I can't take the properly. Thursday, I am taking the pills I have to my doctor and coming home with suboxone in order to hopefully kick this habit for good. Then, I will find an alternate means of pain management. Like everyone here, I am here for you and maybe, just maybe, we can kick this together!
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  23. #23
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Well....I'll tell you Butterfly....Life is still Life....Isn't always a walk in the park....For any of US!! But....that being said....I wouldn't change being Clean and Sober for ANYTHING!! Look....For ME....I drank....used Pot....and Many other Mood altering drugs from age 15-16....all the way to 40!! That's when I stopped drinking....as I am also alcoholic....It wasn't too bad though....cause for one thing....even though an alcoholic....I was a Binge Drinker.....So, I wasn't really needing it Daily....But Boy....if something happened, where I needed to NOT FEEL MY FEELINGS....I drank...and drank...and almost always Blacked out!! Amazing....by the Grace of My Higher Power....with all the Car accidents I was in, and driving drunk....I managed to Never hurt anyone....or kill anyone....or Myself......And considering a few of my awful wrecks....It's a MIRICLE!!! So, then came Pills....almost immediately after stopping my drinking......all the way up until 19 months ago....with a few attempts to get clean in between....I think I had 6 months once....3 months another time....But, NEVER did I WANT it as BAD as this time!! I just couldn't go thru WD'S even ONE more time!! That's one reason I try so hard to help people on here!! I REALLY believe the support I received on this forum was the difference maker....along with MY Meetings, which also play a HUGE role in MY 19 months!
    So.....How do I feel NOW....I consider myself VERY Lucky for one.....And AM VERY GRATEFUL....actually to even be alive at age 57.....I've seen Many friends perish with these diseases...More from the BEAST than alcohol....but both have NO favorites.....To ME, it's like having Cancer....Only WE have a Cure....We Just Have to be WILLING to do Whatever it TAKES!! To be totally honest though...without bumming YOU out....Like I said before....Life is still life.....NOBODY feels GREAT all the time!! I find that doing this....My meetings....and getting to the gym....are all very Helpful in my over all mood....which like anyone.....I have my ups and downs....But like to think....Many More Ups these days!! Listen.....at least for ME...I Pushed down MY feelings for Most of My Life....15-55....Bout 40 Years....So....it's still a learning experience.....But I'm Ok with that....In Fact, I embrace it!! We are never to OLD to Learn.....and I am Learning how to Live this thing called Life without buffers....Best part to ME is waking up with a Clear head...not needing to take something, and lay back down, waiting for it to kick in, then get up???...I am also much more into spiritual things these days....One reason I Loved that song So much....I truly believe things happen for a REASON!! Just Like ME finding this site.....and the people that reached out to ME!! And Now YOU coming along....I get a feeling on which ones to write to on here....There are so Many that just come and go....But...I had a Feeling...YOU REALLY WANT this....and that YOU are one of the ones willing to Do whatever it takes!!
    That's a lot of rambling....I feel like I just did a first step all over....Hope your day is going ok for You Butterfly...I will leave you with this, and check in later...Joy..Appreciate the gift of Life...and be filled with Love and HOPE!! Stay Strong Butterfly.xo

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by TimetoQuit323 View Post
    Hello! I think we could maybe help each other through these hard times. Just like you, I need these things for pain but can't stop taking more that I am supposed to. I broke my L1 in the Army and needed a L5-S! Spinal fusion a year later. Currently, I have a bulge in my L5-L4 and arthritis that has a name by I can't think of it as I sit here. I can't go without the pills or else I am useless due to the pain but I can't take the properly. Thursday, I am taking the pills I have to my doctor and coming home with suboxone in order to hopefully kick this habit for good. Then, I will find an alternate means of pain management. Like everyone here, I am here for you and maybe, just maybe, we can kick this together!

    Well hello there! My pain sounds so weak compared to yours. Im kind of ashamed. lol But its pain nonetheless. The more the merrier on this journey I did a lot of researching today and came across a antidepressant and pain killer in one medication. Its not an SSRI as I can not handle those AT ALL! Ive read nothing but great reviews on it and that rarely happens if it all. Its called Nortriptyline and Im excited to talk to my doctor about it tomorrow. I hope it turns out as well as I want it to. If not, Im prepared for that too. Because of the chemical imbalance the opiates have caused in my brain, I keep hearing doctors say I should consider antidepressants. Ive never had a good experience with them and have always tried to stay as natural as possible, except the substance abuse lol but Ive definitely needed the help to get back on track and work through the underlying issues of addiction. With that being said, I will still need to go through the withdrawal process and I haven't wanted to without pain management plan in place. You let me know hoe Suboxone is working for you (which I heard is best only when taken short term) But then I heard it was great for managing pain. And I'll let you know if I get approved for Nortriptyline and how that works with the pain ok? And anything else you may be feeling about life is welcome too Happy to meet you here timetoquit
    Kim
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  25. #25
    TimetoQuit323 is offline Junior Member
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    I don't think I have ever heard of this new drug you are referring too but it sounds very helpful. And I really dont plan on taking the suboxone long..just long enough to get past the withdrawal and then nothing from then on. I am just done. I havent taken anything since noon except for some Saint Johns wort and a multi-vitamin. I also raked my front yard, so I got in some cardio. I'm working on my discipline by getting back down to my prescribed dose to prepare myself for the discipline of staying on suboxone until I am clean. I know its going to be a tough road, but it is time. I am glad I have someone to talk to and what I learned is I dont care if you are a 300 mg oxy user or 100 mg a day hyrdocodone user..its still addiction and should not be treated any less serious. Good luck and lets do this!
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  26. #26
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    DAVE DAVE DAVE!
    I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Not many people are strong enough to admit they were drinking and driving. So riske! But now i understand about the truth will set you free! Sounds like a horrific time. I as well don't know how I managed to survive this long with all the concoctions Ive managed over the years. My addictions began when I was 13 and my first friend committed suicide. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. and then when I was old enough to drink I numbed my childhood trauma with it and others drugs but just on weekends and such. I never considered myself an alcoholic until my husband showed me a video recording of me "blacked out" I was so embarrassed. I wish I could say that stopped me from drinking heavily again but it didn't. I really turn to the bottle when Im depressed, or happy, celebrating, or mourning. So Im thinking that may be apart of my recovery as well.
    Life is never going to be a walk in the park but Im hoping it doesn't feel as dramatic as it does all doped up. Its intense at times and when I look back when Im sober, or at least semi sober, I shake my head in shame. Who acts this way? I DO! I DID! Cant go backwards though, can only go forward. Maybe I;ll lose people along the way, but those people aren't worth crying about too long if they weren't willing to stick it out with me. Plus, it makes room for more of the good to come into our lives. I find myself rambling a lot lately, especially since i decreased my dose again. 25mgs a day until I am free. Im scared and happy and so lucky to be gathering a lot of information before I jump. I could keep telling myself I'll wait until I have a plan in place but the truth is, Ive finally listened to my intuition and its telling me that since Ive already abused the privilege of the medication, I must now find a new way. I think a lot of the pain is associated with stress as well but cutting out that stress seemed impossible so I just kept taking more and more to help me go through the motions when I didn't feel any purpose.
    I like that part about the CURE! Cancer sucks, and so does addiction. But no one treats addicts the same as cancer. lol Ive realized in my journey that there is a huge gap in the services for addiction regarding preventative care and follow ups, especially the mental health aspect. Im really getting a taste of what its like for people suffering everyday. Paper work, and phone numbers, people telling you to go here then there. Its a little overwhelming for me, let alone someone on really high doses over a long period of time. And I LOVE (NOT) how everyone is put into the same category Thats helpful lol My doctor automatically assumes whatever comes out of my mouth is a lie to get more drugs. DONT YOU REMEMBER DOCTOR YOU PUT ME ON THESE! lol
    Regardless I hit my rock bottom when I started thinking life would be much better without me. The totally positive Kim was exhausted and hit a dead end. The pills, the booze, the pain.... it all came crashing down on me. This site has been my saviour. THANK YOU DAVE! For going through all you had to go through to tell your story here today. For leading the way with all your pain, an failures, and finally SUCCESS!
    It will never be an easy walk in the park, but walking with a friend makes all the difference
    P.S I like your rambling !
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  27. #27
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    totally agree! Virtual fist bump! Lets do this!
    Do you have someone to give you your daily dosage? I did and lets just say I had a few bumps in the road lol
    It doesn't matter how long we take to get there, as long as we get there !
    From the moment I made up my mind to do this, anytime I take more than IM suppose to that day, I physically feel awful. They use to make me fuzzy and warm and now they make me depressed and lonely. So no more!
    Im not sure I understand suboxone that well. Will you still be going through the dreaded WD process after warning down from it?
    One of my issues is I don't want to WD at home with my kids banging down my door. Ive read people on here have done it, even gone to work. Im not that strong. If i had to be than sure, I would find a way. But Im not being forced to quit cold turkey so I want to make this less stressful on everyone around me as possible. Im looking for withdrawal management centres and keep getting the same answer SUBOXONE. So Im still searching. Thanks for understanding about the addiction part considering this is my last addiction, not my first Its just my first time ever doing anything about it. Ya us!
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  28. #28
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    after reading more threads tonight Ive realized what Ive got to do tomorrow Dave, GET TO A MEETING!
    I tried talking to husband tonight about the research I've done and how addictions meeting went today and he pretty much just watched tv. Instead of walking away, I held him accountable. I told him how that made me feel and I moved on. I do NOT need to be apologizing to people for wanting to talk about what Im going through. I get that just because I am changing, doesn't mean he is, but a little more optimism wouldn't kill him! Coming out of the fog is doing what I thought it would be. Making me realize why and what I was numbing. Change isn't easy. But its necessary. I got this. Going to AA meeting to learn and be welcomed by total strangers. Night all
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  29. #29
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    I hope YOU wake up with that same mentality Butterfly!! I think it's a VERY GOOD decision....and it won't hurt YOU!! I would Love to hear what YOU have to say after going to a meeting.....BUT....You have to speak up....if nothing else...just announce yourself as NEW to this!! They will show YOU support and Love like you can't believe!! Hope you rest well....and I'll check in with ya Tomorrow!! Stay Strong Butterfly!!..Hope..Maintain an attitude of optimism...and open the door to greater possibilities!! Hope is not about wishing and waiting. Instead it requires we believe without any doubt that tomorrow will be BETTER, and we continue to take STEPS in the direction of OUR DREAMS!!xoxo

  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by davepeerson View Post
    I hope YOU wake up with that same mentality Butterfly!! I think it's a VERY GOOD decision....and it won't hurt YOU!! I would Love to hear what YOU have to say after going to a meeting.....BUT....You have to speak up....if nothing else...just announce yourself as NEW to this!! They will show YOU support and Love like you can't believe!! Hope you rest well....and I'll check in with ya Tomorrow!! Stay Strong Butterfly!!..Hope..Maintain an attitude of optimism...and open the door to greater possibilities!! Hope is not about wishing and waiting. Instead it requires we believe without any doubt that tomorrow will be BETTER, and we continue to take STEPS in the direction of OUR DREAMS!!xoxo
    Good morning! YEP still feel the same way. Next step. ... meeting!
    I Have a sick little 3 year old on my hands today. So we will both spend time snuggling in bed and relaxing today until the doctors at 2pm. He isn't too sick tho just enough to want to stay home with mom for the day. I think it's a great idea to feel and give love today.
    I'm waking up in a lot of pain lately and throughout the night which means the dose I'm on is getting lower and having less effect. Instead of watching the clock until my next dose, I automatically come on here or deep breathe or anything other than wait. I love working on the mental part before becoming free of it altogether. Makes me feel like by the time I'm ready to jump, I'll be so strong mentally, mad at the pills and reminded of how great it feels to feel again. Good and bad lol
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