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How do I start? Im an addict and I need help
How do I start? Im an addict and I need help
I cant get any help and I am starting my detox slowly. I cut myself down from taking a 10mg hydro to only takng 5 mg at a time but still taking 25-30 mg a day. thats a big cut from 120-150 mg a day for the past 4 yrs.I am now taking darvocets and the WD's from hydro are there, the sweating, the shakes, the depression,the nausuea, pain all over the body, anxiety out the wazoo. moody, ill, sniffles,the restless legs (oh how I hate those) the body zaps where you jerk for no reason ( in which we know why but we tell ourselves for no reason) all around ********************PY! I havent had a hydro now for 26 hrs only darvocets. cant even get my hands on any sub to try it that way, and by the way none of this has been prescribed for me. it use to be (TMJ and Migranes) yrs ago and I went thru wd's after wd's and always ended back where I am now.I have WASTED so much money that it is unreal and what I have gotten myself into.. and only 1 person knows everything and he loves me to no end but enables me when I ask as he wants to please me and I play on that and I know its wrong but these drugs change everything about you, your morals, your attitude, your hopes, your dreams all down the tube or should i say toilet. So today I told him no more, no matter what I say or do or threaten to do ..you tell me NO and dont give in I need this so I can get better, Just know its not the real me talking when I cuss you and tell you I hate you because in the end I will love you more for helping me even though now I will think its because you hate me. I want so bad for all this to go away and wake up with no wd's and no symptoms and all but I know that wont happen so I am trying this the best way I know how. I have never done the taper so I thought maybe this time it will work trying it this way instead of comming off 150mg cold turkey.so far its been hard but managable.I only have like 20 darvocets left so I know here soon it will be cold turkey and then it all hits full force but I'm hoping not as bad. I chose this life but way back in the days they didnt mind writing them for me and started me on a road to addiction and a road I just kept traveling but at my own expense so I have seen and done both, been prescribed and also got from the streets which I know is WRONG but when your addicted you dont care how you get them as long as you have them. But Im changing that all now and Im really trying and as my name says I need A Miricle and Im trying to be the one to give it to myself just need support.. Im here everyday usually lurking and reading and crying and feeling ashamed all in my own world and now Im reaching out for support so Im here to listen and get help from others with the same problem as me. Im just a southern girl from a small town but with a big time problem that I have to get past and clean myself up if I want to see life as it once was before addiction and pain pills.. thats not a life I want anymore..I want true happiness and freedom from these pills because its killing me and I am doing it to myself.. self distruction as I would say and I cant keep doing this, Im 45 and look alot older then I am because of these pills, if everyone knew .. Oh me the shame they would feel for me as if I dont feel enough already myself. Its unreal. I have thought well why not just end it and then I wont have to worry about anything anymore.. then I think thats not what I want. I want to be full of NATURAL energy and life like I use to be and everyone liked being around me and I loved the outdoors and going places and seeing friends and always up for anything.. now I sit in my home popping pills and rotting away, dont go anywhere, dont have a life, just a life of numbers to call , pills to get and hours of chasing the buzz that I got to the point I would never find anymore.. and now Im left with this shell of who I once was and Im trying to get it all back and I deserve all the pains and aches and misery because I chose this so no one can condemn me more then I already have myself. But Im gonna be the one to change it and I do need support and I will try to give anyone else support maybe this is what I needed to get clean is support from others that have been and are going thru the same thing I am.. Im not alone and I know it but I just wouldnt reach out and ask.. I have followed so many of you alls journeys and I have sit and cried so many times as I see someone else made it through and is doing great and wishing why cant I be like that well I decided I am going to be like that and I have been making changes just slow ones, but changes and now I have finally got down to no more Hydro, now not going to be on darvacets long just so damn scared of full blown withdrawls but I have to do this I just have to.I have to take my life back and right now thats my plan but you know us addicts we talk big and we fail but pray for me and maybe just maybe I can do this. I have been praying and preparing myself and its a long road and Im ready to travel it, I have to do this, I just have to.
**I apologize for the book but I finally had the nerve to post and to say what I feel and I'm hoping this along with asking for support is the one thing to keep me on the right road to recovery.
** Money_Chick I have been reading you post and Im here with you and Im ready for a change and if you want someone you can talk to about anything and how you feel Im here. I know Im just starting out and maybe we can help each other.
** Robert you are an angel, I have read your post faithfully and God has blessed you with the ability to tell your story and to change lives and you have changed many on here. You are a true Hero!
** and to all the others Melinda and Lilbri and Sister and Uneek and all the others I read all your post and I can say by reading your post I finally had the nerve to post and ask for help..Your all a Godsend
** and to Lost -You have alot of strength in you girl dont ever forget it .you arent the addict but I know its been hard on you and from an addicts point of view you got some strength and will power to stand by your husband like you have I praise you for it, you will be blessed in the end.
I could have written this post.... I, too, live in a little Mississippi town and I've done almost the exact taper you have.
This feels like God may have sent us each other. I NEED someone who is going through exactly what I am right now.
I'm usually all upbeat and positive, but today, I'm so scared. We can do this. We can. We've done wds before, waiting for a connect or a fill. We can do it long term, too.
God, I'm so glad your here. (I feel so silly. I'm sorry. I'm really emotional today)
Dont feel silly, Im scared one minute, then mad at myself the next then a lil upbeat then right back to codemning myself for what I have done.
I live in a little town in Kentucky (far western) and I have no one that I can relate to, or who I would choose to relate to. but reading your post actually is what caused me to finally post, your stuggle of over and over and not getting anywhere.. that has been me to a T.. I need to reach out for help but have been so scared to and I know thats what I need.
I am taking like 3 darvacets every 6 hrs compared to my 5mg of hydro every 3 to 4 hrs and its HARD.. the sweats, the aggrivation, the nerves. I feel like Im gonna crawl out of my skin but I have to keep doing this.. I have to and like you said WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER.. I count the hours of being without hydro a lil sucess as I havent been without them in over a year solid but now the big test is when the darvacets are gone but I can do this , I pray I can do this..
This may sound silly but when I hit submit post I was "Oh man now everyone knows, why did I do that" and that has been one of my biggest fears ..now that You replied the way you did and you were one of the main reasons I decided to post Im actually excited and so so so glad I have someone to go thru this with me even though we are miles away but with the same problem.
Im usually here most of the days ( I sit and play in pogo- solitaire -and do my pills).. what a life! but all that changes.. I still will play my solitaire as Im addicted to pogo but the pills will be no longer..
like I said in my earlier post I have been praying alot and actually just didnt seem like he was listening but now I know He was.. like you said its like he pulled us here for a reason..
Thank you for answering.. now Im crying like a baby but its actually a good-happy-estatic and some sad cry but OK.. its a good thing...
God does send angels to help in the form of people. Call me silly but it works for me. He will not turn His back on you if you just continue to do the right thing. Good luck ladies.
INeedAMiricle ... you sound like you have a great attitude about this. That is the biggest part. You and money_chick can really help each other. I am here for you as well. Nothing will happen during detox that you won't be able to handle. Detox will be very uncomfortable but you have been reading the site. You have read about the things one can do to make detox a little more tolerable.
Post regularly and let us know where you are with this. Just plan on feeling really badly for maybe a couple weeks, probably closer to a week but I always like to prepare for the worst. Then I am happy if I get a break. Good luck and God bless.
I know how hard it is phsycally. Oh, I hate the creeepy skin, the shakes, the cold. God, I just hate all of it. And the emptiness of not having a substance in me.
I have xanax, thank GOD. I've been down this road so many times,, girl. Trying so hard and just not staying off it all. This is IT. This is the last damn time.
Like you, I do NOTHING. When I get cleaned up and past detox, my house is so clean and I feel so much better about myself. But then some pills come along and stress hits and I pick themm right up.
And I don't know where or when I lost myself. You know? Like one day.. I just vanished. I just sto;pped beinng me and turned into this big pill eating junkie.
What a life.... thats what I say. What a life.
How long did you taper from the 100mg? How many years were you on them. I'm using darv too to get me through a bit, but I think I'm just going to put them downn and say screw it and go cold. It IS faster that way, less drawn out. I mean, you can tell you are still having wds. They wont be that much worse without the darv.
Do you have something to help you sleep? Valerian root works well.
Jeez... do you have AIM? I do. Its opiatedreamer. If you have it, send me an im. We'll really talk, ok?
I have to go get my kids from school but will be back on soon.
I was thinking the same thing as far as putting them down.. I actually have 3 here and 15 on reserve already paid for but I can always let that go.. Im just so scared to not have something.. I dont have anything like xanax or valium.. that doesnt seem to be something that "floats" here as they say as well as hydro so when I go cold turkey it will be COLD.. I have tylenol pm for rest and I been taking that for a while even on hydro to help me come down from those to get a few hours of sleep..
You are like me just one day I disappeared and this form of a shell who looked like me but by no means was me stood before me and took over.. I didnt care how I looked or how I cleaned or what I did, I was on a one way path of take a pill and chill.. I did at one time get out and help my fiance do roofing( was on so so many for that) and he actually taught me to do roofing and siding and I enjoyed it but it got old real quick as it took away from me and my pill time to chill.. then I became nothing, I would look in the mirror and see someone I hated and despised and just couldnt break away from..but I still kept using.. I was scared and am scared but I feel a little strength left in me that is comming out and its screaming to be set free..
Its a fighting battle, but one I want to win this time.. I went from cutting back from 150 mg to 100 mg in one week then I went down to 50 mg for one week then down to 30 mg in a week then I started halfing them instead of whole but still doing 25-30 mg a day.. i stayed at the halvisies as i called them till I got to 15 mg the past 2 days and now straight to darvacets, it was actually fast I guess i know they say slow is better but I want away from this life so bad .. the longest I went in those times was 18 hrs and Oh me was it awful and I knew it was and is going to be bad but I have to get thru this..the not sleeping and legs and arms jumping is what I dread the most..I get so ILL and so MEAN to others I cant even get along with myself..
I dont have aim but I will go and download it and we can do this together.. usually by 6 pm my time I let my son have the computer for the night but bright and early like 4 to 6 am Im right here unless he is off work one day a week..weekends its only long enough to check emails and the forums then I give it back to him ( he is 26 and has no clue about my addiction)
Yeah, go download it and add me as a friend. Early mornings are tough times for me.
Listen, I dont know about others, but that PM tstuff makes Restless legs worse for me and a few others. Trust me on this- valerian root. Can get it at walmart in the vitamin isle. Stinks, but it works alot like valium.
You'll be glad you tried it, ok?
Miracle and Money
I'm on day 3 of total cold turkey with no taper from 90 to 120mg a day of oxy but for only about 8 months. I know Im not as far into it as a lot of people on this board. I knew I had to do it because I have soooo much to lose and I knew if I didn't stop I would lose it all. Every five seconds I was thinkning where are my pills and when am I going to eat my next one? If I don't stop now I will do that for the rest of my life and I can kiss my wife, two wonderful children, and my dream come true business I worked soooo hard to start goodbye....right down the ********************ing toilet, I know it.
That being said...This message board has gotten me through the 2 soon to be 3 absolute hardest days of my life, Thank God my family is out of town...that is why I chose to do it now. Please keep posting, I will be here checking on you and offering encouragement. I don't know a lot medically, this is the first (and last) time I have ever tried to do this, so I know nothing about trying to staay clean in the years to come. I do know that the memory of this pain I'm in will be a huge deterrent.
I posted yesterday on another thread that I wwas actually telling myself "you !@#$ing a$$hole, you deserve all this pain and more", it actually helped me deal with it. You see, unlike most of you I started using strictly recreationally...what a !@#4ing moron I was to do that.
OK sorry for rambling, it makes me feel better to get this ******************** out. This message board is crucial for me right now, I can't stress enough to you to just keep posting on here and keep reading what other people have and are going through.
Robert is a !@#$ing WARRIOR!!! He will talk you through this, Melinda is an absolute angel, try to contact her, she's on here a lot and talked me through my first 2 days. I'm definitely not out of the woods by any means on my 3rd day but I got out of bed today, had some coffee, did laundry, cleaned up a little, and actually had a little glimmer of happiness and hope
I will be praying for you, thinking about you, and checking up on you often as I feel compelled to help others as I have been helped.
You can do this...
Thank you Iboy you are also one I have been reading, Heck I read them all.. my daily routine is get up get a cup of coffee grab my cigs and go check email then go to the forums and read all the new ones and see who is doing what and where everyone is.. and cry alot while I read and of course pop a pill.. THAT IS STOPPING TODAY..I will continue my routine EXCEPT "NO PILLS. I know I will cry more as the emotions take over and heck whats a few more tears , I look at it as relasing more toxins faster (I hope) anywyas I downloaded AIM and added you Monsy_Chick but says your offline.. dont know if I added the name right so you add me and anyone else who wants to help give support or go through this with me or us..TennAngel1963 is what I made as the screen name and lord knows Im no angel but I am praying I can become one and maybe this will help.. you keep up the good work IBoy and like Melinda says hard to call you by your screen name as we were all idiots to pick these pills up in the first place but now hopefully we all can be Smart and stop all this in our lives, its just not going o be easy and I know this but it has to be done in my case before I loose everything in which I know I will but I have to be strong to start over and being on pills is no way to start over.. Clean and sober is the way I know this..
Yeah, download it. When you do, add me. Opiatedreamer all one word.
Ok, go get valerian root from walmart in the vitamin isle. It stinks. Take about 3 every 4-6 hours ( check the label, thats what mine says) and it will work like valium to relax you.
Stay away from anythng that has dyphenhydramine (benedryl) in it. Its been proven to make restelss legs worse. Trust me on this one....
Are you on any other meds? Blood pressure problems? Anything?
I know that there are people who legitimately need painkillers, but I wasn't one of them, that is why I called myself idiotboy because that is how I feel to have let it come to this, I thank God that I was able to know it and see it and to know what the right think to do is, and that is to never touch one of those devil pills again.
I'm on about 3 days and 20 hours since I last chewed up a 30mg roxi and I can tell you that I feel way better than I did yesterday, both mentally and physically..so trust me, it DOES get better, you just have to tough it out. It sounds like you have someone there to help you get through it, thats awesome, do you have to work in the next week or so?
I had to work yesterday and it was pretty hard, stock up on some immodium. Also there is something I'm sure you read about on here called the Thomas Recipe, go google it if you can't find it on here. I didn't use it but it sounds like a good way to go, especially if you have someone there with you to help maybe administer it to you...it's pretty specific
Also, to anyone that is reading this and lurking on this board, you have obviously taken the first crucial step in your recovery to be pill free and that is knowing you have a problem....It's time to take the next step I'd say...
well this time I picked them up was not medical I chose to do it .. why I dont know but I did and now after a Year its time to stop.. and I will .. and the only other medicine I am on is I have asthma and i do use albuterol and also have a nubelizer when I need it..I have only 1 person here that even knows about my addiction and as i said i told him that today is it dont get any more for me no matter what..and I am going to delete all contacts because as long as i have them then ill want to get.. i have to do this.. and i can use all the support I can and me and money chick are going to try and do this together and maybe we both will have sucess at this with someone to talk to one on one.. like I said i downloaded aim and if you want to talk and join this battle with us add me tennangel1963 and lets do this together.. we all need someone to talk to during all this that can relate to us and what we are going thru..and no iboy I dont work..unless you call cleaning and laundry and cooking work and well I havent been doing much of that lately either so I guess you could say im useless right now but its going to change.. I want the ole me back.. the one who loved to wake up and go out and do things and go to the mall and go to tupperware parties or whatever parties ( hehehe wont say what kind but you can guess..lol)
Im so glad you posted,your story is going to come out just like mine did...
Your going to make it...
Im sorry im late ,I have been at work all day,
How are you doing?
let me know if i can help???
Short, long journey
I read your post and got chills...I've been clean for 4 weeks, enjoying life, but will never forget the detox. You can get here - I did, and believe me, I'm not necessarily the strongest person you'll ever meet. I've boiled down the experience to the short, long journey of detox. Short because you'll be feeling much better in a matter of days (really!); long because, for me, every passing minute during detox was a gift/blessing. Read the posts, and before you know it you'll be 6 or 12 or 40 days clean and helping someone else on this site with your remarkable story.
I have decided to toss the darvacets and start this thing now.. all I am doing is prolonging the withdrawls and I have to do it now.. so far its not to bad but I still have darvacets in me as it was 12 when i took them but no more so Im sure soon it will all start and I will be an emotional wreck but I am determined not to fail..Had someone callme and said had some hydro 10's and I said no thanks Im going clean and I hung up on them and they called back and tried to convince me I will suffer.. I know I will and Im going to so dont call back. and so far they havent.. hope I can continue to say no..its not easy. right now its been31 hrs no hydro but only 6 for darvacets but they dont compare to hydro so the sweats and shakes and anxiety has started to kick in some but not to bad yet but I know the rls will when i lay down and all.. and I hate that and not being able to sleep is a definite killer for me..
All i can say is keep reading these post's they are better then na or aa. And you will learn more as you go. At least i have and it has helped me a lot.
Alot of us went cold turkey, but many got help via a variety of aids available. You've been on the stuff for a long time. The next week or so is not going to be easy; look to threads by Robert and some of the other "senior" members. For me, the mental battle was equal to the physical one. Read the posts, type, and realize that each day that passes is a victory. Applaud yourself.
Thank you for the compliments, I have you in my thoughts and thank you for the kind comments! You came to the right place for support, keep coming back!
Good luck, YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
We're right there with you money and miracle, you can do it...it gets better I swear...
Just saw your IM you sent. I'm so really proud of you for saying no. I remember the first time I did it.
Ok, so NOW we are on the same time. You chucked the darvs, and so did I. I still have some xanax, but I actually dont feel too bad right now. 27 hours or so.... my neck hurts really frickin bad and I had to go mow with the riding mower just to get my mind off it.
Robert covered it all. Immodium will help you more than you can guess. And try the valerian.... it can calmm those shakes down alot. Send your son to wally world for it! We're gonna do this thing- and do it right.
Much love, and I'm praying for you.
well its 5 am my time and the anxiety is over the top, the nerves are showing me who is boss, I feel like ********************! I ache all over and Im on here with NO PILL! , my routine is broke. it has been over a year that I got up grabbed a pill go to start coffee , take pill, wait , get coffee and smokes and computer bound I am.. same thing this morning just left out the Pill and WOW the urges, the wants, the cravings is unreal.I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.. I knew it would be bad , but all I can say is Im hanging on. with all the other stress I have been masking behind pills is comming on full force and this really adds to it and Im scared to face everything without the almighty pills..but they are why I am in the cituation Im in.all I keep telling myself is I can do this, I have to do this, I want to do this and pray I can. anyways , sleep wasnt to bad, got in a few hours but I know I wont for the next week or more. I guess Im going to go lay back down since its early and maybe I can calm down the nerves and start the road to recovery. How did you do Moneychick? I will try to be on here off and on, son is off work today so Im using the flu excuse when he ask whats wrong..
strangely enough, I slept good. But then, I tooka xanax. This morning is starting ok- I just jumped on here to check on you first and I think I'm going to do some housework while I feel like it.
Messsage me when you get back up. My connection is goofy today, so gimme some time.
well its 10 am and I am still hanging on .. anxiety and nerves are in over drive.. I only slept about 3 or 4 hrs so I take that as a small blessing.. what I wouldnt give to get more but I know I wont.. my emotions are getting the best of me.. I have already had a few good cries but now I try to hide that with my son here today and just say I feel like I am getting the flu and I hurt..I know this isnt even the worst of it yet and Im trying to prepare myself for it but how? I am fighting with the cravings knowing its just a phone call away but I havent made any calls and I just hope my will power remains strong. its almost to the 48 hr point of no hydros but only 22 or so from the darvacets and Im miserable.I cant even keep my mind on a tv program, it is working for an excuse to use and I know I cant.Im sure if anyone could see me they would swear I was insane for arguing with myself and talking to myself and crying.I feel somewhat hungry but scared to eat because I know what the results will be.. and Im not looking forward to that.. is sneezing normal? I been doing alot of that. my lower back ( in the kidney area) is really bothersome so Im sure when all this is over I will need to get them checked becuase Im sure there is damage there with all the tylenol I have consumed.anyways.. just trying to hang on and I am doing alot of praying, just hope he is listening with open ears and heart because I need all the prayers I can get.. thanks for listening and helping me everyone . I do appreciate all the suppport you have given me..God Bless.. and here I go some more on the hourly count.
I know this sounds crazy but...if you can get yourself to a store and buy some Chamomile tea it really will help with your anxiety problems...Use 2 bags instead of one and let the tea boil for a solid minute...It will calm your nerves and help ease your mind a little...When I went Cold turkey before the depression was the worst part for me...I doubt you have damaged any organs...this is a normal feeling and will go away after a while...sneezing is very normal....you are feeling the same thing that everyone else has felt where you are at now...things will get better for you in a couple days...just hold on and you will feel soooooo much better about life soon! also get some imodium AD at the store ...Loperamide in the imodium will help ease some withdrawal symptoms you are having...Good luck and stay strong !!!!!!!!!!!!
Originally Posted by INeedAMiricle
Just focus on today money and miracle, I know you will fell a little better tomorrow, then a little better the day after, I'm proud of you, cold turkey if ********************ing miserable I know Im on day four and I feel light years away from my first morning
Just heard a cool quote..."Every long walk starts with one small step"
my thoughts and prayers are with you
well all the wd symptoms are still here but I did do something I havent done in a long time.. I got out and WALKED about 4 long blocks to the electric and water company and paid on the bills so I wouldnt have money in my pocket to buy anything.. I am so wore out but actually proud of myself for doing it.. time I got back I was ringing wet.. and it took me about 45 minutes because I wasnt moving fast and Im right in town so the blocks are super long to get through.not like a regular block. I know Robert said exercise so thats a start for me so maybe the legs wont be as bad tonight but I know they will be.. I will go to walmart and get the tea stuff and try it and if it doesnt cost more then I left myself with to get by.. I done the bills because money in my pocket meant ability to go buy and thats something Im determined to stop and so far so good.. but its getting harder..and Im making it harder and to have less options open to get them. the cravings are unreal. I knew they would be there but its unreal the thoughts and what your mind and body play on you.
Girl, you are getting your miracle. You got out and walked! I'm 35 days clean, and on top of my addiction, I'm agoraphobic so I'm afraid to go outside. I am soooooooooo proud of you!!!!
Originally Posted by INeedAMiricle