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God help us all
God help us all
I am a new member but I feel like I know each and everyone of you personally. Same story, same pain. I get so angry that I got so addicted to hydrocodone that it destroyed my life. I used to have them in my medicine chest all the time. I would get them for dental procedures and sprains, etc. I never really liked them all that much. I remember if I would take 2- 5mg. I would get the shakes and feel like throwing up. I got married late in life (45 years old) and one day I had lower back pain and my mom gave me one of her hydrocodone's. I took it and Wow! I felt so good, I had some coffee and cigarettes and I felt wonderful! I felt all warm and fuzzy with my husband and he really liked the "new me". Well, thats all it took- the stars were lined up, the moon was in the right place, I needed a boost in my marriage and the one little pill, that damn little pill started me down a road that led straight to hell!!!! I took one every chance I got, my mom felt like she was helping me with my so called "pain"! It wasn't long before I was sneaking them from her bottle, then advanced to going to the doctor with lies on how much pain I was in to get my own Rx. I advanced to stealing them from friends and our neighbors. I got into major trouble for changing a Rx from the 10 he prescribed, to 40 and got caught. I got a lawyer and it cost big bucks but I had never been in any trouble before, so it was dismissed but still on the circuit court web site. I lost the first of many jobs and my marriage went straight down the ********************ter. My only thoughts from sun up to sun down was figuring out how to get more. I think all of you would believe me and understand the lengths I went to. Finally I heard on the news that websites were selling them and they actually showed the website on TV. Well, in I went to the computer and sure as hell!!! There they were! I ordered 60, because I knew I'd be ripped off and did not want to spend too much. When Fed-Ex pulled in my driveway, I was shaking so bad, I could barely sign for them. Even when I opened the package, I still did not believe they were real, but, they sure were!!! Well, shall I say the rest is history? Not yet! I had 3 or 4 sites going every month and my credit card just kept paying it out! I was taking maybe 25 10mg a day. Then got some oxycontin and took them along with them and damn near died. I went to the walk in clinic with BP of 210/155. They treated me blind because I never told them what I was doing. I gave up the oxy's and ended up getting valium but one month they sent me Xanax instead. I did not know then that the devil himself made them in his lab! Through the years, websites were getting shut down and I still found new ones. Then all of the ones I was dealing with got shut down and I had to quit cold turkey! Well, hell has to be a vacation!! After a full week of screaming all alone in my apt, a neighbor finally heard me and took me to the hospital. I stayed in a nut ward of a hospital for 2 days, they gave be what I think was suboxone and Pheno barbital for the Xanax withdrawal. I got out on a Sunday and my prescriptions showed up on Monday. Well, my plan then was to just get my ******************** in order and plan my suicide for the day after Thanksgiving in 2006. I took 70-2mg of Xanax and did not DIE!!! I could not believe it when I woke up in the hospital! They threw my clothes at me and said "they are here to get you" I had no clue who "they" were, or where I was going. I was handcuffed, thrown into a squad car and taken to another NUT ward. Full withdrawals and no help at all! So, then it was rehab and of course the cravings NEVER went away. I relapsed after 3 months. Up until a month ago, I kept passing drug tests somehow and was driving a 45' motor coach! Do you EVEN believe that?? Then I finally got the call that there was an opening in the suboxone clinic. I have not had one craving at all and he said I would most likely have to stay on them for more than 2 years and possibly for life. Well, what if I can't afford them anymore? What if I have to get off them? I am scared to death and thinking about suicide again constantly! Why do I HAVE to take anything? Why can't I just be a normal person? Why can't I go through one damn day without taking anything? Do I feel sorry for myself? Well maybe I am allowed to but why can't I just be me again! I only want to be happy, I only want to spend my money on stuff I like, maybe a new car even!! But I have to spend all of it on a drug that keeps me from taking another drug, all to not have to lay on the floor screaming and having seizures!!! But I'll end my whine session by saying, Thank GOD they developed something to get me off the pain pills. I don't have to count them anymore and when my Rx is due, I actually have some left!!! And thank God for this forum, so I finally have someone to talk to about it. Its been my dirty little secret too many years!!!
Well well northerngirl,
Sounds like hell. The truth is that you did not have to go through all that pain if you would of had understanding physicians. First of all, you should have been tappered off the benzodiazepines. There are two drugs you can die from going cold turkey: Benzos and alcohol. I have been off opiates for over 5 months. If you want details look up my thread and replies. In short, I was on 3, 500 mg of opiate prescribed meds for 10 years. And I was taking 40 to 50 mg of Xanax for the same period of time. It took 2 times through detox to kick the opiates. I was taking Fentanyl, Methadone, Morphine, Demerol, Dilaudid, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone and so on. Died three time from overdose. Almost lost everything. After 4 and half months off the benzos I was placed on a small dose because I was suffering seizures and a list of other symptoms. I know take 2 mg of Valium before bed. It has made all the difference. Meds work when taken correctly. Now I take the benzo medicinally and I don't crave them. But I do crave the pain meds. However, I made a decision not to take them and with God's help I have remained strong.
Perhaps, you should consider switching to methadone. If you intend to stay on these meds indefinitely, it is a lot cheaper and easier to get. Suboxone is a agonist opiate. It is an opiate and very strong. Basically, it was created to tapper people off of opiates. If you been taking it for a while then your probably addicted to it. Also if your thinking about suicide you should get help immediately. I need to go but I write more later. God Bless
Thanks for sharing Northerngirl, many of us here can relate and understand your predicament.
I'm in agreement with Vduda about the Methadone, and people who know me here know that I'm not usually in favor or recommend its use, except as the last possible option, and in your case I think it pretty much is your last option, because you basically need opioids to survive (because of your mental and addictive state of mind), and the cost factor. Methadone is dirt cheap, an excellent analgesic, and you won't be very prone to abuse other opioids while you're on it, if you're dosed right.
How long have you been on Suboxone? It really isn't a lost hope (if you haven't been on it for long), that you will be able to fully recover from opioid addiction, you can learn to cope, and live without drugs, however some people can't, I really don't understand it, but it appears to be true.
Stick around, this is a good place to be.
I did read your story and my addiction seems like a walk in the park compared to yours but addiction is bad, no matter what the dose. I guess I don't understand much about the suboxone and its addictive qualities. I have been on it about a month at 12mg a day. Am I addicted already? The reason I did not pursue the methadone was because it shows up in a drug test and I have them quite often. The suboxone did not show up.
A couple questions:
I realize you can die from alcohol withdrawel.
However, my husband takes xanax and I used to as, fortunately I broke that habbit.
Can a person die from Xanax withdrawels?
Can a persone die from percocet, vicoden or soboxone withdrawels? Just curious as my husband has to four ruptured dics in his back.
I'm withdrawing as posted before from suboxone, trying really hard.
Why do I feel as though I can't start my day off without taking something in the morning to get me going? Why can't I just get up and be normal like everyone else instead of feeling SOOOO freaking misreable?
Is this ever going to change?
Thanks for sharing.
I'm not sure about benzo withdrawal, but I think you can go into a seizure and die from it.
No one dies from narcotic withdrawal, you just feel like you're going to.
Once you quit, you will start feeling better every day, hang in there.
Maybe, to answer your other Q, you were so use to taking something and always feeling better as a result, it's just a hard habit to break knowing nothing but time itself is going to make you feel better. It's hard getting use to having to feel normal when you know all you had to do in the past was take a pill and feel even better. Keep telling yourself, "being straight feels good, it doesn't hurt; I don't need something to make me feel better".
There will be a day soon when it won't even occur to you to take a pill. Try and forget about euphoria, you're not allowed to feel it anymore.
There IS hope
Yep...pretty crazy the way we all start off taking ONE stinkin pill and feeling all good for a while and how it ever so slowly increases until we're in the boat we're in and we're counting pills and freaking out about how we're going to get more and planning things based on whether we'll have pills that day or will be desperately trying to get thru the day until we can get another fill. It's freakin bull****, that's for sure.
I have truly come to HATE narcotic pills, yet I'm convinced I can't live without them. I can't believe when we start how much "better" we feel, until the day comes when all we want is to live NORMAL lives like all the people out there who don't need to take 4 Norco 10's within 5 minutes of waking up just to feel like I can start functioning in my day. agh!!! It pisses me off so bad.
If I had any idea at all that first day I started taking narcotics that what I was really doing was picking up a pair of handcuffs and locking my hands behind my back and handing satan the keys I would have laughed at that pill and went on with my nice, normal, CLEAN life.
I have given more than 10 years of my life to these pills...years that should have probably been the best years of my life, as it was all in my 30's, many little babies later, a house, etc., etc. Now I'm forever going to look back on these years as years of struggle and secrets.
But I'll tell ya this...as long as we have the desire in us to get clean, we still have hope! I want to be clean, I desire it with all my heart, and I'm going to hang on to that truth until I make it a reality. The same goes for all of us!! Unless we've gone too far and have died, there is still hope, no matter what we've been thru or where we are right now. Naturally, I just want to go to bed and wake up a month later, all opiates out of my system, no withdrawls, and no cravings, then just hop out of bed and start my new life!
Of course that's a major fantasy, but there IS some truth to it! I CAN go to bed with the determination of waking up the next day and concentrating on the positive.
I can sit on that toilet the next day and double over with cramps and Praise God that horrible Hell drug is leaving my system!
I can sweat like a pig and stink under my arms and PRAISE GOD I am sweating out the poison of opiate addiction.
I can struggle with concentration and have my mind want to shut down and PRAISE GOD I am experiencing the worst and it will only get better as each day comes and goes.
I can lay on the couch with literally no motivation whatsoever and PRAISE GOD my body is being healed minute by minute and one day I will have the energy to do everything I did on my "best" day using, and more, but I'll be clean!
We can do this!!! We WILL do this!! The devil can kiss my a**!!! I'm sick of being his slave and I'm sick of him laughing at us every time we choose to partake in the poison he's offering us that comes in cute little pill forms.
We can do this, gang! We really can!!
Lots of love and understanding to every single one of you that gets what I'm saying...
And looking forward with all of you to our NEW, CLEAN lives!!
You can definitely die from Benzodiazepine withdrawals along with alcohol as you mentioned. You have seizures. Can cause many life threatening conditions. Believe me I went through this just recently. Came very close to death. Read my threads and replies for specifics. But without question you can die going cold turkey off benzos. And Xanax is one of the worst. Tappering with medical supervision is the way to go. And I would tapper with a longer acting benzo like Klonopin or Diazepam. Do it slow, especially if your hubby has been taking a large dose for a prolonged period. God Bless.
Thank you for your response. I'll have to look up the difference between benzo's and op's, I just don't know the difference.
All I know is that I feel like I'm going to die. Have been trying to withdrawel from the suboxone. Couldn't take it anymore becuase I had to go to work. So of course I caved and made my husband give me a few percs to get the strength going and be able to function.
Now my fear is that I probably set myself right smack back to where I was before and have to start all over again?
I'm so desperate I'm ready to try and buy subx on line. It is pointless talking to my doctor. She kept lowering my dose way too fast and I have been telling her over and over again she was making it painful for me. I thought it was hard then, but with nothing is so much harder.
I tried to find another doctor, but can't find anyone else that perscribes it.
My god - that is perfect. I can agree with every single thing you are saying.
Each and every moment I am hopefully getting better. Believe it or not this is my first day without taking a pill. My mind is already playing tricks...asking me to make myself feel better by taking - even one.
I want my life back. I have fought this fight too long and it is time to wake up and realize I need to dump this s..t.
Thanks for your post - it is exactly the answer I am looking for. Now, for the rest of my life (and waiting to feel again without the drugs).