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Boyfriend is off smoking crack
Boyfriend is off smoking crack
I have only been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. We have lived together for the past 3 months. Even the 3 months prior to that, he pretty much stayed at my apartment full time. We fell fast and hard for each other. I found out before he moved in that he did cocaine. It was infrequent at first and I thought he just liked to party every once in a while. Not long after he moved in, it started getting worse. It was then that I found out it wasn't just cocaine, but he was actually smoking crack and it was becoming more and more frequent. About a month ago he went out every night for a week and lied to me about it. On the last night I was ready to break up and he came home and before I could say anything, he apologized and said he needed help and asked if I could help him.
So I said I would, and for a week, he didn't use. He picked up a list of NA meetings in our area, but has yet to attend a meeting. He didn't use that week, but unfortuantely, he also started treating me really poorly; was nasty and condescending to me, expected me to do all sorts of things for him, but when I asked him for one favor, that was pretty minor, he wouldn't do it.
After a fight he left and was gone for 36 hours. Wouldn't respond to my phone calls or texts until after 24 hours he sent me one text saying he would be home the following morning. Again, I was ready to break up, however I didn't (still don't) feel comfortable throwing him out on the street, even though deep down I feel like he has put himself in this mess and that is really what he deserves. So I decided that we would break up, but he would move his stuff into the living room until he could find a place to stay.
He came home and said he hadn't been using. (Clearly a lie.) I told him it didn't really matter what he was doing, but that I was done. I told him that all I had ever done in the relationship was support him and try to help him and that he had treated me very poorly and I didn't deserve to be treated that way. He agreed and started crying. He said he'd been going through a hard time and that he loved me and that I was the only person that he really had in his life. This went on for hours until I was finally worn down and we didn't break up.
It's been a couple weeks since that happened and now we seem to be in this cycle. Because of the crack use, which again he has been lying about, he now owes me $800, which I really need. He keeps telling me he has it, but then puts off giving it to me.
He made up some crazy story about why he needed my car tonight and I know he is off scoring. I know, yet i didn't confront him on it because I just didn't have the energy, but I really shouldn't have let him take my car. I am feeling manipulated and used, yet I feel unable to extract myself. I hate feeling like a doormat, but that is exactly how I feel. I started looking into nar-anon and ca-anon meetings nearby, but the next meeting isn't for a few days.
Girl, get him out of your house ASAP, and dont get caught up into it, you think it's bad now, give it another couple of months and he will owe you much more money which you will probably never see a dime of it and the habit will just continue, you have only been dating him for 6 months and he's only been living with you for 3 months, you dont have much time invested with him, kick his tail out and run like hell....it's only going to get much worse.
Originally Posted by megaera23
Last edited by terry120635; 03-07-2010 at 02:50 AM.
Seriously Megaera, you need to do something and fast!!! I have both friends AND a few family members who let drugs interfere with their lives and I watched as each and every one of them lost their homes, cars, husbands/wives and even custody of their children.
Look ~ it's obvious he has a serious addiction. From what I could gather, the only funds being made in your relationship are from you (correct?). It's only a matter of time before he makes up yet another story and breaks you down again to the point where you give him the cash he needs to score. Then, eventually (in normal addict fashion), you'll begin noticing things of value (jewelry, stashed money) are missing and when you mention it openly, he immediately defends himself in an angry demeanor.
If you continue to stay with him and he refuses help while still smoking crack, your life is going to be thrown upside-down. Eventually the cost of his addiction will leave you struggling just to pay your bills. You'll burn all your bridges because you've asked everyone you could think of to borrow money just to keep yourself afloat. All this time, you're sinking right along with him. Eventually you'll get evicted for non-payment from your apartment. Worst-case scenerio (although quite possible) - the police get involved (if they haven't already). He's messing with fire.
Please get out while you still can!!!
I agree with the other posters here. You don't have a lot of time, money, love, energy (etc) invested in this relationship at this point - and you are probably best off by cutting your losses and moving on. The insane cycle you are speaking of is - pure and simple - drug addiction. All the tears and promises are typical - that's what addicts do when we are caught. And, at the time, we really mean what we say. Trouble is, the disease of addiction is so much more powerful than we can appreciate. We can't just control it - we try, and we try - but addiction is far more powerful and devious than our own personal willpower alone.
So, unless you want to continue on this roller coaster into hell, you would be wise to stop it now. Don't fall for the manipulations and promises - just tell him that he need help, and you aren't the one who can give him that much help. Sure, he'll promise to get help, when you tell him it's over - but until you stand FIRM on your bottom line, he'll weasel a way out of doing it. I know I don't know HIM - but I know drug addiction, up - down - and side to side.
In an added sense, you may be doing him a favor. Addicts don't get help until they have to, one way or another - and the more we feel the negative consequences of our drug addiction, chances are, we'll just keep on using. By losing you, you may be adding to his "consequences" - and it could be a deciding factor in if he earnestly seeks help.
God bless - please continue to post - you aren't alone, hon.
Thank you Terry, Narcotic Dreams and Ruth. I know you are all right and kicking him out is what I need to do and we don't really have any long term ties, so I should be able to do it. I just can't seem to follow through on any threats I make. Which I know is probably only making things even worse, because he probably feels like he can get away with anything with me.
It's been hard because he has been going a pretty rough time due to a pretty nasty divorce and custody battle, which is where I think the drug use started. Again, when we first got together he did it very infrequently. He only gets to see his 14 month-old son 5 hours a week on sundays, and it was on those days after he dropped his son off that he would want to get high but he actually got high probably about once a month. Then about 2 months ago, it became every sunday, then it started happening during the week.
I don't know if this is just an excuse and I am in denial, but the main reason I haven't kicked him out yet is because of his son. His son adores him and he is really good with him. Kicking him out would jeapordize any time he gets with his son because he really has no where to go and very little money.
Oh, and as far as money goes, I haven't given him any for the drugs. He had quite a bit of money in savings, but in the past 6 weeks he has pretty much squandered it. He owes me $300 from a two-day trip we took to Nevada the week he was clean and he needed more money for the blackjack tables. (He ran out of the cash he brought with him.) I know he ************d it, because I watched him do it. He was supposed to pay me back the monday after we got home, but that was when we had a fight and he left for 36 hours... I am pretty sure he spent the last of his money then on a bender. The other $500 he owes me is for March rent. He keeps saying he has it and is going to give it to me, but he hasn't yet so my suspicion is that he spent it already and he is trying to stall while he figures out some way to get more money.
Last edited by megaera23; 03-07-2010 at 04:44 AM.
Oh... one other thing... as far as telling him he needs help, since that week he was clean, he has not admitted to doing it again. I know he is. I can tell when he's high and the lies he makes up are crazy stupid, but I have no way to prove it. So when I say something about him needing help, he just blows it off and claims he is fine and hasn't done anything.
I have trouble responding to lies, especially when I have no hard proof. Does anyone have any suggestions about how I should talk to him?
Let me tell you a story about one of my brother who smokes crack. I actually cut him out of my life long ago for reasons i will keep to myself but.....when he would go on binges, he would take his girlfriends car for like 3 days straight. Turns out he was lending his car to drug dealers so they could make drug runs and in return they gave him crack. So if I were you I would not let him use your car because if it is involved in a drug crime, the police can take it and never give it back!! Get rid of him ASAP! I know it is hard, but he doesn't love you like you love him, at least not when he is high. So you need to look out for yourself right now. Good luck!!
None of the divorce and his son is your problem, your problem is going to be that he is going to put you through hell, by the time it is over, I dont feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for you, if you hold on to this guy, cut him off and move on, you are gonna be sorry if you don't. Do you really want to put up with this?
Last edited by ddcmod; 03-07-2010 at 05:17 AM.
Hon, you could benefit from a large dose of Alanon or Naranon!! In fact, whether or not you stay with this man, I would suggest you attend some meetings. Generally, our relationships fall into patterns - and there is a good liklihood that you'll find another man in this 'needy' condition in the future.
He may not have spent the $ 800 directly on drugs - BUT - you enabled him to free up HIS money for the drugs (and g*mbling!) he wanted. That's how we operate as addicts; we take advantage of every opportunity to use - both drugs and people.
Back when I was active, my parents paid some of my household bills for me - they would not give me the money; they would write out their checks directly TO my creditors. I'm sure they thought they were 'helping.' BUT... by doing so, whatever money I had could go to drug use, making it much easier for me to continue on my downward spiral. That's what you did for him.
As far as his 'difficult period' he is going through - oh hon, you have noooooooo idea how much addicts can create a persona of being victimized - and, therefore, HAD to turn to drugs. We become Shakepearean actors at the victim role! ("If you had my problems, you'd use, too!!!") ALL people have trouble. ALL people struggle. But that is NEVER an excuse to abuse drugs. That doesn't solve a thing - in fact, it make everything worse. Going through a divorce or struggling with a custody battle is NOT any kind of reason to go smoke crack - think about it!
You don't HAVE to answer to all his lies - nor do you have to give evidence, to substantiate your claims. You can trust your gut and tell him, sorry, but no. There is just too much evidence in your mind that things are NOT right, whether or not he is using. You want to end it - period - regardless if he is using. (You know he is - but you can say this to him: "It doesn't matter if you're clean. This is not what I want.")
Does he work? (I tend to doubt it.) Does he pay his bills? (It doesn't look that way, if you're coming up with his share of the rent, etc.) Does he act like a responsible father to his child? (Does he pay his child support on a timely basis? Does he do whatever he is advised to do, in order to maintain a strong role in his son's life? If he is limited to such brief visitation, is there a reason for this?) He isn't acting like a man of integrity or honor; he isn't acting responsibly; he isn't be respectful toward you. That's plenty of "evidence" for why you don't want this relationship to continue. He doesn't have to admit he has a drug problem for you to decide that it's over.
Hmmm... look at this one night. Here you are, up since at least 2 am - overwhelmed by HIS behavior and HIS problems. Is this a relationship that is giving YOU any of what you truly need in a relationship? You deserve to be treated better than this, I promise you.
These questions are simply things to ask yourself, not answer to me. I'm just trying to help you to see the entire situation clearer, hopefully. In the end, it doesn't matter if he agrees with ending it - or if he sees that he's an addict - what does matter is distancing yourself from him and his drug addiction. So I wouldn't allow his argument back to dissuade me from ending it.
We aren't trying to come down on you, hon - I just reread our posts, and it may seem that way. We're just trying to break through your own denial - and take care of yourself. Believe it or not, those around an active addict also have their own denial of the extent of the problem!
In the end, the ONLY "evidence" you need to end this is the "evidence" that you are unhappy with this relationship. And you want to end it - now. And that shouldn't be an argument - that's just a fact.
I am one of the truly lucky ones that is a recovering addict myself while watching my son self-destruct in addiction himself. I abused opiates while my son has run the gamit. He started smoking weed probably right after high school or just before graduating. I think he started doing cocaine in his mid-twenties and then crack and then crack and opiates--pills,>>>>>>, whatever was available. He's 36 now and I don't think that he has smoked crack for several years but he is very newly sober from opiates (3 weeks). I say this because I know exactly what it feels like to love someone and have to become a hardazz for our own survival as well as to help them. I struggle too...this is my son!! To compound this, for me, is that I know all too well how the addict's brain works but still, I want to believe him when he says he's going to get clean and he stay clean. Do you have any idea how many times I've heard that in the past 10 years or more? Do you have any idea how many times I knew he wanted to keep that promise but couldn't? Finally, I know you know what special kind of hell it is! This, Mega is what you are signing up for if you don't get out now and get out quick!
I remember hearing somewhere that without us, they could never afford to be an addict. How true is that? Really true. Like Ruth said, it's only a matter of time before you're going to start seeing that things are missing. About 4 yrs ago, nearly all of my jewlry went missing including heirlooms. It broke my heart. Not the fact that I lost something of value as much as the fact that he cared so little for me that he would do that! I would have never believed it...never!!! He's taken cash, blank checks and forged them. It has gotten so bad that I literally have to keep everything of value locked in my car with my keys under my pillow at night or keep things at family or friend's houses. This is what you are signing up for. This scenario isn't just my story. Trust me this will be yours too. It is inevitable. It'll start slow and when your bf takes something and you don't notice it missing at first, he'll do it again and again.
I know first hand how an addict thinks. When we make those promises we really do mean them at the time we make them. Then, we justify why we should use one more time and get clean tomorrow. Only when we're trying to get clean for someone else, that tomorrow just will never arrive. Getting and staying clean is one of the hardest things I've had to do. So hard, in fact, that if I were doing it for anyone but myself, I wouldn't be able to do it. Not for kids and certainly not for my friends. The best help you can give to him is to refuse to be part of this. Any of his sob stories are just that...trust all of us on this point. At that moment, he is the victim. He needs your sympathy so that his addiction can continue. The worst thing anyone can do for an addict is to make it easier to continue in their addiction. No truer words.
Do what you know you should do and good luck.
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