I am a 31yr old mother of 2 young children. I have a bad back & was put on percocet 6 yrs ago. I have been taking it for 6yrs, I am completely addicted to it. Just decided to get help. Started suboxone on the 19th. Expected to come home feeling great, normal, no cravings... everyone told me how wonderful I would feel. Instead I came home, looked around and lost it. My house is a wreck. It wasn't until after 72 hrs of severe withdrawls and the new meds, with my head cleared, then I saw the mess my house and my life is. I couldn't believe how consumed in my addiction I had become and I neglected everything! I am 100 lbs, house is so messy, laundry is a mountain, ughhh! I still have cravings too! Not as bad, nothing like it was but I still want the pain meds. I still catch myself grabbin my purse & diggin for them and walking to the cabinet. I thought this was supposed to be history! I just want to feel good and normal! I am takin 16mg a day, ... can anyone offer me any advice??
Will I ever feeel good again?
Added 23 Oct 2010:
I hate myself for this. I am so upset. I wish I was past this. I feel so weak. I hate myself for letting it get this bad. I didn't see it, I had no clue how bad it was! I feel overwhelmed, weak & pathetic. I want to bee past this. I want a clean house and a normal life, I am trying for this, and now on the meds I still crave the pills at times!
Responses (8)
I don't have any advice really to offer, as I too just started taking suboxone, but don't get down on yourself, addiction is an illness and like any illness it takes takes to get better. I too crave the pain pills constatntly, not physically, just mentally. Do you have a spouse or significant other there to help you? It will get better, I have to believe that.
Hi guys, just wanted to say a few things. I hope Im not getting in the way, you two seem to be able to relate so well, that is soo awesome! :) I just thought hearing my thoughts could help as well. The cravings are something I think we all have to deal with regardless of the suboxone or not. Once you get to a certain point in your addiction, it literally becomes a part of who you are. With suboxone it takes away the physical cravings, but the mental I believe will always be lurking somewhere. I started suboxone a few days ago, it is going pretty good, have some stomach cramping but am told that should go away soon, hopefully! And even though I feel good and absolutely hate the person I was and the life I lived, I still catch myself daydreaming or thinking about how nice it would feel to get all messed up on pills. I mean I think we all would be lying if we said we didnt enjoy it.
No, you're not in the way, welcome! I was told the cravings, both mentally & physically would be gone. I talked to two dif people and after sgartin sub neither wanted any at all. My "friend" started sub a week before I did and says she doesn't want them anymore at all. I called her and told her that I still do & she said I think its all in your head. You aren't ready to quit. I just don't think ur ready... WHAT KIND OF THING IS THAT TO SAY TO SOMEONE TRYING TO GET CLEAN AND DO THE RIGHT THING!!! Anyway hopefully we will learn to deal with it, live thru it, & get over the cravings. All 3of us! I am 5'2 and weigh 105 on my scales today. Everyone tells me how skinny I am, and how bad I look & how badly I need to gain. I can't wait till I can have a lil meat on my bones & for everyone to leave me be!
I know exactly how you feel! I dont know how many times Ive heard... you are so skinny do you eat? It gets really frustrating. And your friend... I dont want to be rude or offensive but he or she doesnt sound like a friend at all, if they are going to talk to you that way when you are trying your best to get better, maybe you shoudlnt speak to them or at least tell them that. And yes it probably is all "in your head" as they said, but thats not a BAD thing. Its something that just is and I know exactly how that is. I believe you are ready, you never would have taken that first step in getting the suboxone if you werent! And from what Ive read and learned, each and every person who takes suboxone is completely different. Everyone has different side effects and reacts differnetly to it, its a powerful medication its bound to be all over the place. Hang in there, hopefully the cravings will go away and if they dont, then you can just try your best to prepare yourslf for them and learn how to overcome them!
Faith, Normally suboxone does clear up all cravings and normally you do start feeling much better. I want you to try something if you are really feeling that bad, try taking just 12 mgs and how you will do this is to take the pill or film and break it into fourths, take 6 mgs (3/4 of a pill ) in the morning and take 6 mgs in the afternoon, no later than 4:30 pm. If you feel better in the morning, you may be on too high of a dose, you should actually feel better approximately 2 hours after you have dissolved it under your tongue, if you feel better in the afternoon, you actually may be on too low a dose. Subs are designed to get into the brain and coat the damaged receptor sites and last for over 24 hours. Many are actually prescribed too high a dose at first. The way I just told you to do that should put you at a lower dose temporarily but you should still have enough medication in your system to conquer withdrawal.
Great advce as always Patti. Faith this woman is a great person, smart, loving and caring. How have you been Patti? I hope all is well and I hope we can help Faith because she seems like a good person.
Patti, thank you for your lengthy response :) I can tell you are a caring person, & a good person to donate this much to a complete stranger. Thank you. It is odd that complete strangers seem to care more than my friends. I got more from you in that response than I have from any of my friends. My suboxone films are 8mg. I am supposed to cut it n half and take a half 4 times a day. Yesterday I took one half just 3 times. Morn noon & night. I can't really tell a difference. I still have the cravings. I just can't seem to get back to "normal". I long since forgot what my normal is. I am not craving them constantly. I just find myself thinkin man it'd be nice if I had some pills. I will not relapse. I see what those pills did to me, my life, my home, & my family. I just really wish the cravings would go away. I think a lot of it is due to habit more than anything. 6yrs of constantly going for the bottle is a hard habit to break. They consumed me.
I read all three responce and they said it all ( GREAT ANSWERS--kilka - elizabeth and pattishan) Faith33 lt will get better, this site is awesome and these people really care and threre will be more who have been where you are right now. Please fight your cravings, you will deal with this problem the rest of your life. Please keep the faith, faith. Keep in touch your friend John.
Sorry for mispelling your name Kitcat my eyes are getting bad.
John, I am fighting the cravings! Its hard but I'm doing it :) I know, it really sucks that I will always have to deal with it. I know that I can never even take one pill again because I can't stop. It will get out of control again. I just have to tell myself this is rat poison for me. I am trying to keep the faith! Thanks! :)
Hi faith, kitkat, and ? sorry I forgot the 3rd responder. Please please, listen to Patti. She is well educated on Subs. More then any poster in the community. I think she may be right on being on too high of a dose. Booter, hi to you too! You add eachother as friends first, then you can send PM's back and forth to eachother, the twins! Anyway, I just wanted to add my 2 cents in here, hope you don't mind.
The only thing that worries me is you have pain that led you to start abusing in the first place. As you may or may not know, subs are for quitting opiates in a pain free way. They are not meant for long term pain control. This is why I believe Patti mentioned the methadone. Subs will stop withdrawals and cravings in its' tracks when your on the right dose. But there also needs to be a plan for tapering off when the time comes. You need a plan. As Patti will tell you, not many sub docs are good at having a plan for when it's time to start tapering.
Chris, thanks for taking the time to respond! :) it makes me feel good to know that you people care enuf to post such lengthy responses! My friends have royally sucked thru this. You all have shown me more support than anyone has and u all don't even know me! Yes I am going to see a counselor. They told me that the government demands that anyone on subs must see a counselor for at least an hour every month before u can get your scripts filled. I'm kind of nervous about this but I hope it helps. I just hope these cravings go away. I hate this feeling. Its like I'm searching for something, I'm restless, not satistfied. I keep reaching for my purse, my console, my med cabinet, everywhere I kept them. Before I think about what I'm doing, I'm reaching for them. I find myself digging to see if there is any in the bottom of my purse. I catch myself, I'm not doing it intentional. I wouldn't take them if I found any.
As I mentioned in the first response, I'm not "clean." I had an accident and suffered burst fractures, spinal cord damage, permanent nerve damage etc. But I am doing very good (much better) about sticking to my prescribed dose. But not in the past, that's for sure! What really sucks is that I was doing so good immediately prior to my accident, actually down to maybe 4-5 extra pills per week. Maybe a little more. That was GOOD for me. I had been putting off much needed surgery for DDD (L4-5 disc was (is) completely shot) and had so many procedures prior to my accident. But it was getting to the point of such horrific pain and increasing meds or surgery. Then the accident that changed my life forever. Some people feel I'm in no position to help because I take opiates. I know if I walked in to an N/A meeting, I would feel like the bastard at the family reunion. But I HAVE battled addiction and won in the past.
OMG! I am so sorry faith! I just read your first question about xanax and suboxone. With your condition, I think you need a pain specialist, not suboxone. Also, if your looking at an extensive surgery (like I had) you'll have to be off the subs for quite a while beforehand. Please rethink suboxone. It really isn't meant for long term, good pain control. Yes, you have an addiction problem but you have debilitating pain! Please rethink the suboxone and set up a consultation with a pain specialist. I do not know your history and maybe you have been seen by a PS, but there are meds that will control your pain AND cravings. Methadone. I am in no position to tell you what to do. These are only my opinions. But I do know subs are only meant to get you off opiates. That's all. Whatever you decide to do, you have my support and the support of many others. I wish you the very best in finding a solution.
Take care,
chris
Chris, patti and the rest of you are what make this site great. Once again Chris, you not only make me want to be a better person, you also make me want to be a better typer. Luv right back at you Chris.
xanax is not usually recommended with subs or methadone, it can be used, but most doctors won't unless there is risk or seizure as the combo can cause respiratory depression.
Hi guys! I know I'm late catching on to this post. BUT today was the first time in FOREVER that I blow dried my hair and got done up!! We just went shopping and to lunch but felt good to be getting back to the me before pain meds.
Faith, hang in there honey. I'm almost on week 3 of subs. The first few days were not that easy. I was still thinking about meds and how I could get a refill on my roxi. But I hung in there. Today I woke up and tried to think about meds and the feeling I would get from taking a bunch... and happy to say I had no desire to even think about it!! Now that the fog is clearing I'm seeing all the things that have been messed up. Sadly, one of them is my 6 year relationship. He is on subs too but not getting better as fast as I am. I hope he comes around. He is so depressed.
UNLVGRAD you have been a nice addition to this site. Your love and support will get your boyfriend thru this too.Try to burn all bridges with med dealers. You are so positive I know everything will work out. And giving advice and reading other people's is priceless. Like I said you have been a nice addition to this site.
Thanks booter :)
I really need for him to get better. He is so closed off and sad. He suffers from depression too and was on meds for that but no longer has health insurance. When things get better for us financially I hope he can see a doctor.
I really think that lady is desperate for money to be texting people and offering deals on meds. Yuck.
Hi Faith, how is it going?
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When did u start taking sub? I was told all cravings would stop & if they didn't id be the first one. I know 2 people on sub & it stopped their cravings for both of them. I'm sorry to hear you have the cravings but at least I'm not a freak of nature. Lol. Yes I have a husband, he has been really good thru this. I can't believe he stood by me thru a 6yr addiction & put up with the messy house, dirty laundry & me not being me. We have been married 7 yrs & I haven't been myself for several years now. I am so ashamed. How long has it been since u had any pills? Its been a week today for me & I started sub on 19th
I started taking the suboxone yesterday morning, I havent had and oxy's since Wednesday. My hubby's been wonderful too. I started taking the stupid pain meds due to having severe pain, then multiple surgeries and of course the longer I took the pain pills, the higher dose I needed, and I took more than I should have every time I got the script. The sub is helping tremendously with the physical withdrawl symptoms, like I said, but you are not alone because every minute I think of trying to find a way to get pain pills. I just know I have to stay strong for my family and myself. My addicition may end up ruining my life, I am facing criminal charges and may very well lose my job
I too started taking them from severe pain. I took 10/325 oxycodone (percocet) and I always took way WAY more than I was supposed to and found myself counting down till my refill date. I would wake up & every morn before I literally even opened my eyes think about pain pills, if I had them id jump up all happy & run and swallow some, if I didn't id want to pull the covers back over my head, didn't want to get up, instantly depressed & wanted to sleep till my next fill date. I don't have the withdrawls anymore either, thank God, they are AWFUL! But I still want them :( I'm hopin this goes away! I take 16mg a day. What did they start u on? I take one half strip four times a day. When I first came home after starting them I started bawling and couldn't stop for the first 2 days. I was so depressed & hate myself for how bad I let it get. I really didn't see how bad it was till after I got home the first night on sub.
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Are you feeling anything like I am? I got 180 pills on the 7th and I had 3 left the morn of the 16th! That's how fast I take them. Then my dad, friends, family would give them to me to get by till my next refill. This is a demon that was sent directly to me from hell from satan himself. It is horrible. I hate that I let myself get so wrapped up and totally consumed in it. It was so important just to have meds to take. I didn't want to do anything unless I had them. And still didn't do much of anything. I'm sorry to hear you might lose your job & criminal charges. I will pray about it and I will pray for you. This is a whole new beginning for both of us. A time to make all the wrongs right. Things will start working out for you, you are moving in the right direction! :) I'm glad I found someone like me to talk to :)
But every month I would run out and go thru horrible withdrawls. I could not just not take them to save some back. It was easier to take them and deal with withdrawl later than to have them and fight with myself not to take them. Constantly getting tapped on the shoulder by them. They would go thru my mind literally every minute of the day. Now its not near as bad but I was expecting the craving to stop completely. Maybe I'm not on a high enuf dose. The one day she had me double it and never called back, I was afraid to keep doubling it cuz I would run out before my appt on Tuesday soo I'm back down to a half film every 6 hrs. I weigh only 105lbs cuz of the stupid pills. I always took em on an empty stomach cuz they worked better. I sure have been eating this week tho! I'm bound to put on some weight now! Lol! Everytime I start to eat I hesitate and start to put the fork down to go take meds, and then think o wow old habits die hard.
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Iv caught myself diggin thru the bottom of my purse checkin to see if any fell down in there. When I realized what I was doing I thought wow these things controlled me so much more than I knew. Ill walk to the cabinet & open it before I think o wait... and I just keep searching, I'm not satistfied. I want them still, not constantly but more often than not.
wow, sounds like EXACTLY the way I felt. I was taking 30 mg Oxycontins, and 150 of them only lasted about 7 - 10 days, way outta control. Plus I was hiding it from everyone. I tried for 2 months to find somewhere to get help, it wasn't until I got arrested for trying to forge a script, twice, that I fianlly begged and cried enough to a doc that can prescribe suboxone that I got the help I need. No one who hasn't been addicted to any of these drugs could possibly understand that you'll do almost anything to make the pain of withdrawl stop, even when you know you are abusing whatever it is you are taking. I am glad to to know you also, and I know we will both get thru this :)
Just hang in there, I'm going to, and you are not alone, because everything you say you're doing, I'm right there with ya. I even checked under the kitchen appliances because I remembered previously spliing some and thought maybe a few of them went under something... geez. I am currently on 18mg of suboxone, plus my doc gave me sleeping pills for night time. I am doing ok, just very antsy. We sound like addiction twins, so we can be recovery twins:)
Yes, its crazy how important they become to you, and what lengths you'll go to to get them! I got on here cuz I wanted to find a place I could talk about this with someone, where I wouldn't be judged. I tried to hide it but most people around me knew and just talked behind my back. My friends completely SUCK. Some turned ther back on me cuz I had a problem, ya know, instead of talking to me about it, trying to help me... anyway and then thru this the rest of em have pretty much sucked too. I have a couple decent friends but I have been left to deal with this entire thing by myself. Besides mom & my hubs :)
Twins! I like that! :) I have been trying with no luck to send you a private message. So we can chat without the world seeing... do u know how?
I have done the same thing. I have ransacked my car looking for them, go thru my purse, my bags my cabinets, I look everywhere, one time I found 6 in the cabinet and I was in the BEST mood after that. Funny how something that is destroying you & your entire life can make you so happy. I would feel elated walking out of the pharmacy with my full bottle every month. I could do anything on them (except function normally) and nothing off of them. I ended up letting my house go for so long. I'm going to have to have helpgettin this place straight. I would think ugh soon as I get my meds I'm gonna clean this place up! And id get them and id sit n talk on the phone, sit outside and smoke, and never clean. Its not filthy its just messy. Ugh before I started takin pills I made my bed everyday, had my house spotless. Was u able to keep up with your house on meds?
I had to go pick up one of my munchkins from a friends house, so sorry for the delay. I have no idea how to send a private message either, sorry. I would actually go on a cleaning frenzy when I'd have meds, but only like once a month, so most of the time, my house would be messy, unless my hubby cleaned it. Yea, most of my friends ended up judging me and sucking too, however, I do have a few that are sticking with me. You sure find out who your true friends are, that's for sure. And what happened to us can happen to anyone and no one knows what it's like until they've been there. The hardest thing is changing the way ya think I guess, cuz seriously, I could happily live out the rest of my days with an endless supply of pain pills, which is so f'd up, but true, and I really hate that about myself.
I just wanted to add that the way to private message each other is to first make sure you have made each other friends. To do that you would click on the persons picture and it will take you to that persons profile. When you get there, there should be a place in the upper middle part that says "add as a friend". You click on that and it will tell you that you can now send private messages to that person. Now, a lot of the time, when you go to click on send a private message, it does not seem to be there. It is, it's just hiding behind the two boxes towards the center. if you look, you will see that in that little bitty space between those two boxes, there is just enough room to see a couple of letters. Go and click on that part, and you will open the chat box to each other. Good luck and God bless. Keep up the awesome good work... beanmarie
Thanks beanmarie we figured it out :)
Sister Steffy! You blended right in there with faith and kitkat with your avatar. I almost missed you! I'm happy to see you kept it short. I'm going to be watching you so you don't overdo it. Your friends here know you very well. But me especially, will be making sure you keep it to a minimum at least until next week. God Bless YOU.
Much love,
chris