His 2yr pill addiction has included cheating, lying, rehab sev times, then jail for dom violence, then 2yrs prob. After his recent OD I told him that was it i was leaving him, so he checked in for detox/rehab. This times diff, he seems better. But now that he's home he seems more concerned about his new addict "friends" than his wife & 3 sons! The day he got out he txt them sayin "im out", then the next day he lied to me & said his "friend" was sick & needed a ride to a 5pm dr appt (lives over an hour away!) He left at 4pm & didnt come home until 10! I txt him at 630 asking when he wld be home with no response, so i called several times for the next hour with no answer. He finally texts me at 750 saying his phone was off cuz he was at an NA meeting. By then i was out of my mind with anxiety & anger. When i confronted him once he was home he admitted there wasn't a Dr appt & they just "hung out" then went to a meeting at 7 (but remember he didn't answer texts or calls ag 630... hmmmm). His "reason" for all this was that these people were his family for 28 days & that he needs to be able to get "away" sometimes. He'd been home only 1 day! Why the need to get away? I just cant deal with anymore lies & deceit. My heart is broken. I have stood by this man during some very tough times. He has never apologized to me nor has he ever thanked me. I'm constantly concerned about saying or doing something that will make him want to use. So i feel i guess like I'm doing the work to repair this relationship & that with his sons, when HE should be. I love him so much, but am feeling like i need to let him go?
My heart goes out to you. I sincerely recommend that you get yourself to some Nar anon meetings. Nar anon is the sisyer group to NA for loved ones who are recovering from addiction. It will help you sort out your feelings and get the support you need right now. You can find meetings near your location by googling Nar anon and using the meeting locator.
It is highly recommended that your husband attend a meeting everyday, but not for hours on end. Learning to reconnect with his family is important also. He has broken your trust numerous times and has to be willing to redevelop that. It will take time, but it is possible if he is willing and able to put forth the effort. If you could work out an agreement as to when he will attend his meetings and when he will spend time with family and you alone, maybe you can begin the process of rebuilding the relationship. May seem artificial at first, but oh so necessary.
We are here to be supportive through this difficult time. If you need someone to talk to don't hesitate to ask.
I so agree with Laurie. I think Nar-Anon will be of great help. One one hand I can understand your husbands need to be with others going through the same circumstances as he is. Men are very "brotherhood" or "fraternity" oriented sometimes, but lying to you to do so is unacceptable and a little "fishy" and I dont blame you for being angry! You cant begin rebuilding until you are completely honest with each other. You might consider marital counseling as well as Nar-Anon and with a counselor who is familiar with both addiction AND marriage counselling. You can start with trying to sit him down and talking. Tell him how you have been feeling. Try not to be accusing. Tell him what you said here-that your heart is broken and no more lies and deceit and how you have stood by him through all of these tough times. See if he will agree to some parameters. He needs to be honest and upfront with you for you to begin to trust him.
He does need time to be with his new friends as long as they are all on the same page of recovery and he needs to tell the truth about what is going on and where, exactly, he is. He definitely doesnt need to be around his former "drug" buddies. He also needs time to repair his relationship with his sons too, and needs to have alone time with them! He has a lot of work ahead of him so he needs to set goals and parameters to do all of this. He may feel like he is being treated like a child who has to check in every few minutes but he has done this to himself with his behaviors! Once he has proven his honesty and good will then you can begin to trust again. Trust is very difficult to regain. This is why I think you might need outside help like a marital counselor. It gives someone who is not emotionally attached to orchestrate these conversations so that they dont become name calling contests! Nar-Anon will help you to know how to interact with him to keep him away from drugs and teach you not to be an enabler. Maybe some day into his recovery he will understand all that you have done and thank you for standing by him. Right now he is probably in a place where he feels like HE is doing all the changing and has difficulty looking beyond himself but it will come to a day where he begins to realize what he has put you through. He needs to just get a healthy enough mind to see this. You both have a long road ahead but you both need to be willing to make it work. You both need to decide if your marriage is worth saving. He must, on some point, think it is as he went to rehab after you gave an ultimatum. That is a good start but it is far from over. It is normal for you to feel anger and feel that you are the one doing all the giving and repairing and for a while you probably will be, but once he is healthier, it should get better. Good Luck to you! Addiction is such a horrible thing that touches more than just the person involved in the addiction. It reaches its ugly tentacles out to everyone around them and once they can understand this then that is when they truly begin to heal.
11 Apr 2012
So sorry Shirley that you are going through such a hard time. I agree with all that YOU need to be going to an N/a meeting for spouses. I also think that you should be calling his former councilor from the rehab center where he attended, and talk to them, and see if this "bonding" was encouraged. Although you said that this time was different, what is different, when he is still disappearing for hours without any excuses or apologies to your or his sons. I realize that you have stood by him for years, but has he stood by you? I think that maybe YOU need to go into counseling BEFORE you go to marriage counseling, and decide if YOU can handle going through all this with him. You have a tough decision to make, and you have to put your foot down. But like I said, talk to his counselor where he went to rehab first, and see if this behavior was encouraged. I think that you will find out that he is NOT where he says he is. Make him take you to an N/A meeting.
Go together EVERY day or night. YOU need to find out what his program consists of, and what he is supposed to be doing. I know that when I was in an AA based program for chronic pain, I believe that the ninth step said to ask forgiveness to those whom you have hurt. He has hurt you, and as you say, he has NOT asked for forgiveness. You have a lot to think about, and a lot to decide. We are here for you, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
11 Apr 2012
Hi shirley, & welcome to the site. I can't add anymore than Laurie & Dzoobaby has said, just wanted to welcome you & let you know you are not alone. I was married to an abusive drunk at one point in my life for 10 years I put up with it. I finally got the courage to move on with my own life, & it was the best decision I ever made. I went to the meetings, & what I learned was it wasn't my fault or anything I was doing or not doing, it was the addiction or in my case his alcolhol. I stuck it out for a long long time, but knew in my heart he would never change, & still hasn't to this day. I think going to NA & AA meetings taught me so much I agree that you should start going even if you have to go alone. If he's not willing to let you come along with him, please go for your own sanity. They have family sessions in rehab, & you are more than welcome to go.
From the sound of it you are carrying a very big load trying to mend his fences with his children too. That should be up to him to do, not you. I know you love him, but he has to be willing to change & include you in all phases of that change. I would bet my last dollar that he wasn't at a meeting at all, or went there & before or after got high with his new buddies. I could be way off base here, but your story is a famililar one to me. Why would he be deceitful to you if he is trying to change? I know you love him, & want the best, but put yourself first, & foremost. Get the needed counseling, & go from there. You'll know in your heart soon enough if he is being truthful or just another new set of druggies to hang with believe me. I wish you the best, & hope it works out. It's very hard, but not impossible for someone like this to change, & for your sake I hope he does. As the others have told you we are always here if you need an shoulder to lean on or an ear to hollar at. Best of luck to you... Mary
morning shirley,although most rehabs tell you when you get out to make whats called 90 in 90. thats means to go to 90 meetings in 90 days in a row when you get out. I know cause i did. BUT, I never heard of a meeting lasting anymore than 1 hour,add in travling time to and from home.lets say 2 hours tops.cause no newly sober person needs to be taking anyone near a doctors office.doctors dont perscribe sobriety,they perscrib drugs. wheather they help someone stay sober with drugs like suboxone of something for depression like paxil or god only knows what.after a month in rehab,that by the way he had to be threatened to go to he doesn't need to be hooking up with friends,newly sober or not.he needs to go to meetings and get a sponser ans get his but right home. and you should tell him just that.Ask him if he has a meeting list for your area they go by counties. see how far away his meeting is and you can figure how long he should gone to attened one.
just remember, he was the one with the problem,not you. and he has to want be the best husband and father he can be.you cant do it for him.give him a few days to figure out what he wants you and his family, or his drugs and his his so called" friends"... pete
13 Apr 2012
I know it seems so selfish, self-absorbed for him to be hanging out with the sober friends for such long periods, but this is a disease that doesn't just become instantly 'fixed'. I do believe one of the most important parts of program is rigorous honesty. There's no excuse for the lying. He obviously hasn't been in long enough, but by doing the steps/work in the book, he'll build the skills to be honest, to become trustworthy... don't forget, we're relearning or learning for the first time how 'others' learned to cope in society slowly, over the years. Its a lifetime of changing habits, trying to develop new ones, along with all new coping mechanisms for some of us that had been functioning the other way for years (manipulating, lying, etc. to 'obey' the addiction or cope with life). If he had cancer or diabetes, you'd expect for him to be going to his radiation treatments, eating differently, etc.
Unfortunately, this disease has many ugly symptoms, unlike other medical problems, where you don't have the distortions of our personality, coping skills, lack of morals, etc. I would expect every spouse to feel bitter & expect instant changes, but it just doesn't work that way if he's going to be successful at staying sober. It would really help you to have your own support group, the thought of which can also cause bitterness! I understand, this may not have been the life you signed up for, but it is the life you have... a very sick husband, learning how to cope with his illness. Its a family disease, but you are NOT responsible for making him drink or for perpetuating the disease, although many alcoholics/addicts try to make you feel that way... its just to deflect the horrible guilt & feelings of worthlessness off of ourselves. We didn't aspire to become addicts, but we have to learn how to live with it, just as you must somehow learn how to live with his disease (or not), if you want to stay together. Good luck.
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