Hi everyone, just came across your group and I really just need to talk. Im just starting to seek treatment for my issues and this is all new to me. Im 24 years old and at the end of fighting a DUI that I feel has taking every bit of life and opportunity from me. Through recent events unfolding the past few months ive been left in such a low state of disarray im finally reaching out to anonymous others for their kind hearted input towards my situation and what treatment I should seek. The end game for me is to be happy again, be the young man I once was with plans to marry the girl, get the job and concur the world.
Rather than start from the beginning, which I would more then be willing to share, lets start with what I feel I accomplished today, because as of now, after my first dose of meds I feel no different and just want to drink myself into oblivion to fall asleep and forget this pain... I am suffering from what most might deem as some puppy love combined with many other dynamic issues from my court ordered probation. I have destroyed my relationship with the woman I know is my soul mate and would do anything to have back in my life. thats not as much that ales me as the fact of the monumental failure I feel I am at this point. From the sounds of things I could easily say im chronically depressed, whoever It would be a high dose of 2 mg xanex bars that I feel I need to tranquilize these negative emotions so I can press on, disregard the pain of my failure for the time being and naturally bring about the change that needs to happen; which im sure most dr's will disagree and just with to treat my depression. All parts of my life are on hold, I refuse to leave my bed, take care of my dog let alone myself, and being on probation for a dui which is the main culprit for all this. Which is why I feel a strong 2mg benzo such as xanex will help me essentially ignore and not care about my woes so I can jump back on that horse and do what needs to be done. My depression comes from the fact that everything I have tried has failed, even my best attempts and overcoming my situations. I accept the responsibility of failure as my own and do not place blame on others, my buddhism roots will see to that. With every effort I put forth its still not good enough, each time leaving me to learn rather than sulk and pitty myself. Ive reached a point now where I just cant pull myself from this whol and so much is riding on the line of my success and stress is overbearing for what I would like to consider a level headed person such as myself...

Went for my initial consolation to get things started, seeing the psychiatrist next hopefully asap and start opening up with my counselor after that. My md dr gave me a temporary and very mild dose of .5mg klonopin which ive already abused, not because im an abuser but because knowing my state of mind. the fact that every second every thought of my mind consist of resorting to extreme violence or crime or hurting myself or a sadness of losing my soul mate in the most cruel way imaginable. I need these thought subdued, I need to be tranquil so I can continue and treat my self naturally like I know how. The depression prevents me from being myself, I know how exercise and nutrition and a well balance mind can make me feel euphoric no meds or wordy possessions required. I just dont know how to put my mind at rest these nights for the next few weeks that are going to be critical for me as to whether or not i let myself go completely into an oblivion of dispare and become a strait sociopath or be able to succeed and pull myself out of this and get my life back and take life by the horns once and for all. I know I have the knowledge and tools to do it, the will power is just to drowned out by all this... Please help, thanks