... knowledge. I feel as if I can't stop myself from acting on my impulses. I just don't want to feel depressed. I like feeling motivated and having a positive attitude and outlook. My partner suspects, and calls me out. I deny it and somehow feel I have the right to do whatever I want and nobody needs to question me about anything I do. I hate feeling like I'm mentally about to break. What will it take to stop myself before this web gets tangled?
What the?? I'm high again. I'm now being secretive with my partner and buying it without his?
Added 10 Nov 2011:
I would like to mention I quit heroin cold turkey in August of this year. My withdrawals were so bad, I vomited everyday, and didn't eat anything for three weeks. Was also hospitalized for two days. It was pure hell. I'm proud of myself for overcoming heroin addiction and the month long detox/withdrawal process. I no longer have the desire to even be around the stuff. Now, I'm dealing with, being places mentally, I haven't dealt with before. I've been diagnosed twice with Bipolar. At 15, Bipolar II. That doctor said if left untreated, was a very high potential for Bipolar I, and probably other issues. I attempted to treat when I was 19, but had to discontinue cause of insurance loss. I'm now 27, and know I'm worse than I've ever been. I'm feeling desperate for help, but don't know if I can get help. Last time I used Meth, had no sleep for three days, and felt like I just might commit myself. That's cause I smoked it throughout the three days. Doing that effected me extremely negative mentally. My partner and I ended up in a huge disagreement and nearly ended the relationship. I don't want that, but I keep secrets from him, knowing that could cause us to separate. I get Meth whenever I get the chance, and the money. I've secretly started hustlin again. I'm on my way to destruction, but not sure how to get to another path.
Well... obviously ur struggling with 1 of th MOST DIFFICULT drugs/u addictions out thr!!! Only u know ur relationship status & issue outcome of ur situation,so u jus do wht FEELS RITE 2 U & also... wht ur heart(not th drugs) tell u is best. Thts jus my personal opinion & i'll b prayn 4 u no mattr wht th outcome! Here 2 help(if @all possible with ur questions,etc/talk if u wnt/or whtevr. Jus let me kno if u need my support!! -kat1313
Hi Rfbayon, I think that I can't add further than what Kat said. You understand that you are playing a high-stakes game here with drugs, and I commend you for having walked away from heroin in August. Just that if it were me, I'd feel that at age 27 I have my whole life ahead of me, with so many possibilities and things to offer the world, and that I wouldn't want to mess it all up by dabbling in drugs, as it always is a losing path. By your e-mail, you see that yourself. However, the only way (being bipolar) to keep yourself in the game is by facing up to the fact that you have this thing, you need to take LEGAL drugs for the illness, and by being in therapy if that is an option for you. You can't do it all alone, given your history with heroin, it's too hard to go it alone. You are an intelligent person, and you see how this is playing out. Just think carefully about what you are doing, and about what you have to lose.
Kind of strange you are now 27 and I was 27 when I quit Meth. Of course in my day we didn't call it Meth we called it Speed. And we didn't smoke it. But it was Methamphetamine and the best of it was Crystal Methamphetamine. I also loved it because it took my depression away and made me not just motivated, but able to do almost anything I wanted to. I often wonder if it was the same thing or something better or worse. Based on what you just said my lovely Speed was way better than Meth. I say that because 3 days with no sleep or food was nothing. I won't even tell you how long I used to go. But I also became crazy after a while. The first time it happened to me I was battling a very deep depression and if not for Meth I may have never left my bedroom. But after I crashed from that time I was doing it at the first sign of depression, if I could get it. Speed and amphetamines were never as readily available as Heroin. I never liked Heroin. I never liked any down drugs, except alcohol. But my Love was amphetamines. At 27 I did something I can only call this: I swore off Speed. Never mind promises made to others. I swore to never use amphetamines again to myself. Because amphetamines changed me. I was no longer me. I was someone else. I even gave the me who appeared on Speed a different name. He wasn't me. In the beginning he was better, but after a time he became a manic crazy person, and he stayed that way until he could no longer get Speed and then he crashed. Hard. It's not the same as opiate wd, but in some ways it's worse because for a very long time the world looks different, seems different. It was like I entered a world that was Black and White rather than In Color. Everything felt colorless, and I felt as if dead. I'd have no energy for longer than I can remember. I started using that drug at 18 and swore off it at 27. I'm now 59 and I have never broken that promise to myself. I used plenty of other drugs, but not Speed because I swore to myself, and not to anyone else, to me, that I would never do it again.
I hear that you too change into a different person. For one thing you become a hustler. But I am sure it doesn't end there. If you are Bipolar that may mean you become manic without Meth. I didn't, I only became manic when I used Meth. Why do you like a drug that makes you manic? Is it because you think you can control the Meth mania but not the Bipolar mania?
I also agree with the previous 2 answers. You need to be on legal meds, not Meth. And counseling or therapy is recommended whenever you can afford it.
One last thing. At 47 I was given Wellbutrin and it effected me very much the same as Speed once did. The pdoc even said it was a sort of stimulant, not a SSRI and very different from other ad meds. And then 8 years ago I was put on Subutex for opiate dependency due to chronic pain. I then discovered that Buprenorphine helps my depression like nothing else. And nowadays I take 8 mg of Bupe plus one 150 mg SR Wellbutrin. A few days a week I have to stay awake all night and on those nights I take a 2nd Wellbutrin. These are all legal drugs with the doc's blessing. No more running around and hiding from paranoid delusions that come out of shadows in the night. I can remember running from them for entire nights. I only felt safe when the Sun finally came up. They weren't real. But I thought they were.
If I can help you in anyway, you can send me a private message if you want to. I made that possible for you. But until you are ready to swear off Meth, that drug will always get the better of you. In my day Heroin was considered a king. So I called Speed a queen. Queen Speed. And like a real queen, I obeyed her. Until I swore to myself Never Again. It's the only way with Meth. You simply must decide to never use it again, because it changes who you are.
- Methamphetamine Information for Consumers
- Methamphetamine Information for Healthcare Professionals (includes dosage details)
- Side Effects of Methamphetamine (detailed)
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