I have been clean for a total of 5 days, I found 3 suboxones to assist me through my quitting these. Before I quit I had realized I spent over $2,000 on my addiction that started last october. My money is nearly all gone and I don't have a job (I am 21, this was all the money I saved since I was 15 yrs old). This is my second time quitting which started l started taking 4 to 5 a day ( where as it started with doing a hard limit of one or two a day which is how I started the beginning of this second time and what I was doing before I quit the first time. The first time I quit cold turkey after having a revelation, after quitting I immediately felt great, like I had a new life. This time around I just randomly quit, no reason or revelation. This time around I feel depressed, very suicidal (don't worry I would never kill myself).
I was wondering, a kind of experiment (I know this usually gets you back on it but I have a pretty good control over myself). I was wondering if I could dose myself one per week, this would allow me to look forward to something every week rather than feeling worthless. I have no intentions to getting addicted again. I know a lot of you will disagree with this idea but idk. I still have 1 and a half suboxone if it doesn't work. Also I believe this would change my mentality toward my addiction to a lighter thing then after feeloing comfortable I could drop it. A little further detail, my experiment is how I started my addiction to pain meds. Every Thursday I would go over my friends and buy one from him and that's it for the week. I just want to train myself away from addiction.
Another detail about myself. My addiction started with splitting 2 pills throughout the day, meaning taking a bump off of it every hour. one bump ecactly when i wake up, then throughout the day. i want tp untrain myself of this. untrain morning bumps and daily addiction. is this smart?