I have been struggling with anxiety, and I guess depression for about... well, I can't remember a time when I wasn't. However, since going through a back surgery about eight years ago, and losing everything in the process of healing (my job, home, insurance, retirement, friends, family, sense of self worth, and so on) the symptoms have become more intense, and persistent.
Currently, I am taking an anti-depressant, Ambien, Tizanidine, and Oxycodone. I am in pain most of the time, but do my best to keep the prescription intake to a minimum. Every month, I have meds left over due to my fear of becoming dependent. I also, will ramp down and back up as recommended by the Doctor in an attempt to maintain their effectiveness without having to increase dosage.
My dilemma... I find myself unable to make it through each day completing simple tasks or doing the things I know must be done. I have lost the desire, and ability to enjoy life. I have tried talking to Therapists and friends to no avail. When I lost my insurance the Therapist dropped me, and my friends seem fearful I may infect them, consider me weak or defective and have drawn away. This in turn, has caused me to keep it all to myself. Even family members seem to be repulsed by what they see as character flaw and weakness. I don't know where to turn or to whom.
Where do I find a reason to wake up each day? Why just go through the motions? How do others with greater challenges than I find the strength and will to actually go on living life? I know what I'm doing is not living life... I feel void of any hope I may one day actually live, and by live, I mean enjoy life. Actually be grateful and happy that I wake up each morning believing there may be potential for my "Happy Ever-After". Where do I go from here?
I apologize for rambling on so long. Thank you for the opportunity to vent.