I have been struggling with anxiety, and I guess depression for about... well, I can't remember a time when I wasn't. However, since going through a back surgery about eight years ago, and losing everything in the process of healing (my job, home, insurance, retirement, friends, family, sense of self worth, and so on) the symptoms have become more intense, and persistent.
Currently, I am taking an anti-depressant, Ambien, Tizanidine, and Oxycodone. I am in pain most of the time, but do my best to keep the prescription intake to a minimum. Every month, I have meds left over due to my fear of becoming dependent. I also, will ramp down and back up as recommended by the Doctor in an attempt to maintain their effectiveness without having to increase dosage.
My dilemma... I find myself unable to make it through each day completing simple tasks or doing the things I know must be done. I have lost the desire, and ability to enjoy life. I have tried talking to Therapists and friends to no avail. When I lost my insurance the Therapist dropped me, and my friends seem fearful I may infect them, consider me weak or defective and have drawn away. This in turn, has caused me to keep it all to myself. Even family members seem to be repulsed by what they see as character flaw and weakness. I don't know where to turn or to whom.
Where do I find a reason to wake up each day? Why just go through the motions? How do others with greater challenges than I find the strength and will to actually go on living life? I know what I'm doing is not living life... I feel void of any hope I may one day actually live, and by live, I mean enjoy life. Actually be grateful and happy that I wake up each morning believing there may be potential for my "Happy Ever-After". Where do I go from here?
I apologize for rambling on so long. Thank you for the opportunity to vent.
Just Need To Vent... Looking For Inspiration?
- 24 Apr 2014 by IagClist
- 26 April 2014
- depression, anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, surgery
There are two amazing places you can be. The nicest place to be is in someone's thoughts. The safest place to be is in someone's prayers.
Please take everyday one day at a time, don't beat your self up. Some people don't understand what we are going through cause of there ignorance.
Your in my thoughts and prayers. Tomorrow will be better.
I liked Diva's response. Being in someone's thoughts and prayers is a good place to be. May I suggest something? I know another Therapist isn't affordable, and friends and family can be disappointing, Could you consider contacting a support group of some kind? Not necessarily a support group for people, but for a cause? They have meetup.com where you can find groups for every interest. I'm not usually a "joiner" but when I was going through chemo for cancer, my docs suggested I join a support group. I didn't want to hang around a bunch of cancer patients that would keep reminding me that I had it. So I got involved in something I have great passion for - animal rescue. I learned it's hard to get wrapped around the axle over having no hair when you have a lap full of hungry puppies who need to be feed every 4 hours. Something about being involved with people and challenging situations that makes you think "outside yourself" and makes you feel better about who you are "inside yourself."
There are also support groups specifically for anxiety, depression or pain management. You could find a group of folks to meet on a regular basis. Just seeing other heads nodding up and down with understanding can go along way toward making you feel not so isolated or overwhelmed.
Gotta tell you, "Happy Ever-After" - is over-rated, but "Happy right now" - in this moment - is Abso-freakin-lutely Phenomenal!
Remember you didn't come here to be miserable - you have a purpose - you can do this.
Be well and kind! :o)
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