The first time I had a "breakdown" and planned my suicide I was 27 years old. Had been self medicating with alcohol since I was 15 and smoking pot since 12. I am currently 38 years old and just quit smoking pot 58 days ago. Now I dont do any illegal drugs at all. I have been on and off anti-depressents since 27. They tried me on everything but I was drugging and drinking so much, I never really gave the meds a chance. My second round at suicide I was 2007. My "husband" left me on Christmas Eve, I had never experience such a loss in my heart like this... then 3 months later my dog was killed in front of me. I lost touch with reality for 5 days, was ordered to leave work for two weeks and told "to get my shit together" mind you I worked for top Boston Docs. I then had breast surgery on a lump and decided to call it quits. Thank god, my friend at the time never left me alone that night. My pcp gave me 180 1mg Ativan when my dog was killed and I had a bottle of liquid percocet. I was just going to have a cocktail and go to sleep. When I did wake up and realized I never got the chance to go through with it, I put myself in a day program. I also suffer from ptsd. So it made for a long recovery and unfortunately the stigmatism stayed with me when I returned to work and eventually was fired for not performing at my position. (was there for 7.5 years)... here I am now accepting my bipolar issues sober and still feeling quite down. I am to be married in October but feel no excitement towards very much in life. Told I shouldn't really have children due to all my ailments. I cant even cry.