The first time I had a "breakdown" and planned my suicide I was 27 years old. Had been self medicating with alcohol since I was 15 and smoking pot since 12. I am currently 38 years old and just quit smoking pot 58 days ago. Now I dont do any illegal drugs at all. I have been on and off anti-depressents since 27. They tried me on everything but I was drugging and drinking so much, I never really gave the meds a chance. My second round at suicide I was 2007. My "husband" left me on Christmas Eve, I had never experience such a loss in my heart like this... then 3 months later my dog was killed in front of me. I lost touch with reality for 5 days, was ordered to leave work for two weeks and told "to get my shit together" mind you I worked for top Boston Docs. I then had breast surgery on a lump and decided to call it quits. Thank god, my friend at the time never left me alone that night. My pcp gave me 180 1mg Ativan when my dog was killed and I had a bottle of liquid percocet. I was just going to have a cocktail and go to sleep. When I did wake up and realized I never got the chance to go through with it, I put myself in a day program. I also suffer from ptsd. So it made for a long recovery and unfortunately the stigmatism stayed with me when I returned to work and eventually was fired for not performing at my position. (was there for 7.5 years)... here I am now accepting my bipolar issues sober and still feeling quite down. I am to be married in October but feel no excitement towards very much in life. Told I shouldn't really have children due to all my ailments. I cant even cry.
You need to see a psychiatrist if only for the right medication I am so sorry for your unfortunate experiences and will keep you in my prayers but get the right help and keep on until you get the right medication I take lamictal and it is a mood stableizer and it really makes a difference luvox made me feel like you I could care less about anything let alone cry good luck and god bless barb orivate message me anytime
Hi.. I´m 41 also bipolar starting drinking age 14 then mixing it with pot after that meth, cocaine... etc. I was an addict 4 20 years and most certainly an alcoholic so I know where you are coming from, I was institutionalized for 6 months age 22 in a spiaquiatric ward.it was hell... went from illegal subs to legal ones I dont even remember their names..when I was set free I started again mixing xanax with booze went back to cocaine, and everything else, first suicide attemp 24, I was living with a very mad chick just like me. After that I got my shit togther and got married didnt last... got married 4 the second time didnt work either, plus I didnt know i was bipolar second wife is a brit im Chilean we got married in chile and left for the uk and all along iwas doing drugs and drinking we have a 10 year old girl, that didnt work either...
i left them, and living in london all by myself met the wrong women and "friends", i started dealing cocaine, went to prison and was deported and I cant set a foot in the uk havent seen my girl for 7 years and i dont feel a thing I know its cold but thats the way it is so i understand about your up coming wedding. when i got back i decided to put an end to all this and age 33 went into a real rehab community by the countryside I was there 4 one year and when i got out i had 18 months of weekly therapy, then i relapsed booze and xanax, and the i was diagnosed as being bipolar.
In my experience you have to touch rock bottom ... like u and realize you have 2 bloody diseases to battle with, you need more than just a daily programe..it doesnt work Ive tried it... its all up to you if you have the courage, the strength, the will and faith and believe in yourself and never lose faith,plus a shrink and the right medications, we can lead a "normal" life, its very hard I struggle myself everyday that goes by my drinking and drugs made my manic depresion worse, my tolerance levels to meds is amazing. Im just coming out of a manic stage lasted 2 years and I went mad took meds nothing, just before that I had gotten engaged with an aussie and by mistake i opened her lap top and found porn pics of her that caused my maniacal madness and my folks after all the shit I put them through helped me.
You are not the only one out there going through hell.
You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, the only one who will really help you is YOU, see a shrink take your meds... have a positive mental attitude, set goals, short, medium and long term . we all have our history, this is why i briefly told you mine, and i really want to help you. Look for a serious group but at the end of the day the drinking and drugs are up to you and of course you also need a safety net.. your family, your true friends..the ones that tell you not to drink the one that stayed with you all night. I feel your pain.
So get off your ass and start preparing yourself for a second chance that God has given you ... you met a man that you will marry you must feel something.
With the bipolarness shrink and meds and you have to fight, its hard but it can be done..be strong and always thank God when you wake up for another day of life given 2 you... I wish we could sit down and have an honest chat but I am @ the end of the world.
Some of my words are strong but its the only way to wake up and start "living" again. Remember I have been 8 years clean with one brief relapse and after that diagnosed with bp... if I can do it so can you.
write 2 me anytime you want... if you want
May God bless you
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