Sorry if there is an unnecessary amount of details, I just figured I would put it all out there. I just want someone to tell me that I'm not alone in feeling this way...
I am a 24 year old female with a long history of anxiety and chronic depression. As a teen, I would have such terrible panic attacks that I would literally faint. I was very agoraphobic and dropped out of school and stayed in the house for two or three years, digging myself deeper and deeper. Things changed once I became malnourished, my skin was almost translucent, and I was sleeping like 20 hours a day. I decided to go live with my mom, I thought it would help and it really did.
I was feeling pretty good living there, aside from the night time panic that would arise. I even started going out more, I learned to drive, and even got my very first job. I was feeling pretty good about myself because I had come so far from where I had been, a lump, dying on the couch.
Then the panic, depression, and anxiety came back full force. A year and a half ago, I went to the hospital feeling very ill, stomach pain, shakes, sweats. Diagnosed as anxiety, I was prescribed Xanax .25mg... I was disappointed since I had been taking a stronger dose of it here and there from my mom. I went to my doctors the next day and was put on Paxil 20mg and a strict gluten free diet. I am not allergic to gluten, but she thought it would help. Things did seem to get better, I was still working, still seeing friends, being a part of society.
I dropped the no gluten thing, because not only was it difficult, working at a pizza place and all, it was expensive. So I continued my Paxil alone. Eventually I moved in with my brother, his girlfriend, and my boyfriend, who moved across the country to be with me. I started smoking marijuana regularly because it made me happy, I felt... Normal. When I was having a really bad time, I would smoke and forget about it all, but thats not a cure, only a distraction.
Things got pretty hectic, money was tight, and I had quit my job due to stress and the lack of teamwork... I looked for work but I was relying on my boyfriend for everything. I started missing doses of Paxil here and there, due to money problems, and it was awful. The withdrawals were so terrible that at one point, I gathered as much change as I could and walked to the pharmacy to get my refill. Eventually we ran out of money so we decided to move... Across the country, back to his hometown. We already had a place to stay since he had his own home there.
We moved from Michigan to Texas in September of last year, about four months ago. I had never left my state, let alone lived so far. I was very sad but I knew we had to do it because we were so poor. Once my Paxil ran out, I switched to Effexor 75mg. I don't really know whether its better or worse than Paxil, but I know the withdrawals from missing even one dose were way worse than being off of Paxil for a couple days. The transition between the two was okay, but Effexor was very expensive and I was still feeling the same. I kind of started feeling robotic, going through the motions of life but feeling nothing. I was not feeling happy, sad, romantic. I just didn't really care about anything.
So another switch was made.
Long story short (Heh, understatement, I know), I am five days into a combo of Prozac 20mg, and Welbutrin 150mg. I don't know if this is normal, maybe withdrawals from the Effexor, but I am completely and utterly depressed. I am taking the pills regularly, but I am so sad... My week has been spent feeling shaky, cold, hot, sad, hopeless, and just plain not good. If I am not sleeping, I am crying and thinking about depressing things. I am throwing up, and when I have nothing to throw up, I am just going through the motions of throwing up. I am not feeling suicidal, but I am definitely feeling like death would make the pain stop... I know its awful to say, but I can't help it. Fortunatly, my boyfriend has been home with me, and being the best man every about all of this, but he has to go back to work tomorrow and I am so worried.. I am scared to be alone with myself.
This is the worst I have ever felt... I just want to know how long I should expect this to last and if there is anything I can do to lessen the side effects... Or even if anyone has different medication suggestions... I am willing to do or try anything to just be normal... I just want to feel like a human again...
Sorry for the length, my brain is currently broken and I didn't know what I should even say... Thank you for taking the time to read/ help.