... brain surgery on an aneurism, I have not been the same person. I have tried tried to hang on to my life and business and its just not working. I have felt lost for so long and no way of getting control of it. Its reached the point to where I am tired of my fight with myself. I have bipolar in which for years was treated to where I could work and function, after surgery the depression, anxiety and panic attacks havent allowed me to deal with my business and life the same. When is enough?
Suicide - I have struggling recently to keep going. I am so tired of the fight. After having my?
Added 22 Feb 2010:
I am doing so much better today and I really want to thank all of you for your responses it really truly was heartfelt and helped me.
Coming to this site I was only looking to research the new meds from the doctor and to see if there was a way to check if it was ok. I take so many meds and it seems like something is wrong because I havent been getting better and the depression was getting harder and harder for me to get thru.
It was a surprise to see so many others taking alot of the meds that I have or am taking and the responses. It was a surprise to see support groups. I have not wanted any part of support groups or therapy, I just didnt see it working for me. Until seeing this site and reading what was written. With getting thru these last few days and the support from you has really opened me up alot more.
I am not one to sit it a group of people, I know that would never work for me. I have always been a proud woman and how people precieve me and how I carry myself around people is not how I feel inside. My business for years had taught me to carry myself a certain way with people and that didnt change.
This was really good for me to share with you my pain and reach out. I realize that I need that to help me get thru those dark hours and weak moments as well as learn more about how to deal with my meds and condition.
Mahalo again for all of your comments and support, you really helped me.
I am so sorry you are having such a aweful time. Have you talked to anyone? Are you still on your meds for your bipolar disorder. If not yo need to be evaluated again and hopefully he/she will refer you to a phsyciatrist to get started on medication. I would suggest your family doctor but I think where you are now that your disorder should be managed by an expert in this area because this is all they do. They help people find their way back to who the used to be or as close as he/she can. I hope this helps. I have felt this way many times and then I could not do it anymore. I wanted to be the Barbara who felt who loved life. Hopefully you will find your way home and be able to bury these horrible feelings somewhere far away
I hope this helps a little. Keep me informed Good Luck and God Bless Barb
There is noting worse than regret, in any form. My Coma has left me to relearn everything and come to grips with the person that emerged from that experience. Am I the same? No. Do I miss the person I thought I was? Yes. Am I willing to end any and all possibilities that may come into and from my life? No. I have not only come back to a world that is not the same world I left, but, I am a "Family Suicide Survivor". The pain that my Brother left behind when he made a decision that just didn't effect his life alone was one that will last his family for the rest of our lives. He gave up, and in my opinion, it was a selfish decision and I will never forgive him for that. However as hard as recovery is... I will not quit, I will not, give up the only thing in this life worth fighting for, and is LIFE itself. I do want to be on the other side and wish I weren't. Choice... is something I have here. If you think your life has diminished and value of your life is less, ask somebody.
I hope you make the right choice, because regret sucks! I will be asking for light to shine in your life and in the lives of your family.
EVERYDAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY!
I do understand, and it is very hard. But what would you tell one of your Children if the situation was reversed? Would tell them to end their life if they wanted? Or would tell them that they are not defined by this, or how they have lived in the past. Who you are is determined by how you work through this and and the person that evolves out of this most difficult time. If you are a person who deserves to be respected, you will be. Step up to the challenge and allow you body to do what it needs to do. I am one year and three months post coma, and although it's been no day at the park, I am much better than I was, and not as angry as I was. I lost everything, literally. It gets better.
I am not a religious person, I am more spiritual, and I know from the bottom of my soul... I had to stop being angry about "not being the person I was", and to start being the "best person I could be". I thank GOD for two things everyday, #1 for the people who love me enough to put up with me and my continuous recovery, & #2 Spell Check. Patience was not one of my virtues, but The Creator gave me something I had to be patient about. Lighten up Sweet Heart, we're all in this boat together. MariesBelief
i know it gets old when things arent going right but i just want to tell you that things will get better.and remember god would not give us anymore than we can handle..so im just asking you to remember that and that there are alot of people who care,even total strangers like me and the people on this site.so please hang in there.and im here to chat anytime
please funhoneybunny with a name like that you must have a beautiful spirit a light that shines when you can't see it. i'm crying for you right now remembering aug 69 when my brother took his life @ 21. please find a way to hold on for something a glimmer a thought your children, my son saw depression all his life.
he grew up looking at me sleeping on the couch after work and staying in my night gown on the weekends when he got older his true friends understood i was doing the best i could do, they all called me mom they could talk about anything they could sleep here anytime, eat our food but we never allowed drugs alcohol or bad language, i believe they were my glimmer of hope that life should go on i lived through them please find a way talk your children maybe each one of them has a special gift to help their mother back and maybe you have a best friend or one will come your way i don't suggust you tell this site where you live but i myself believe in god and i feel other on this site do too and maybe if we all pray for that person to come your way it will be done. missy
from a person wiith brain issues to you - I would say you have been through a lot and I am not going to say all the positive things you have heard already. There were days that I asked "why me, why did this happen?" some days I wake up and think, "just another day in paradise!" I know the answer to what will kill me in the end, when it goes to a GBM, then I say to myself, If I ever hear those dreaded words to say you have brain cancer, then I will say, that is enough for me since my estate planning is done, and my last (hopefully) surgery is in early March to put a plate in my frontal skull so I won't wake up and brush my hand through my hair and be reminded of all that #$^& all the time.
I am not happy to have the epilipsy label on me due to the work I do and wanting my driver status to stay legal, I would give up if I could not ride my motorcycle (my doctors call me a future organ donor because I ride one) and I say, hey I am living my ,ife in the here and now.
OOOOPPPPPPS! I kind of rambled on there, time for me to go to sleep, I have a 3 hour drive and 3 appointments for presurgery stuff and another MRI! Hang in there and find someone to talk to that understands what thinking of suicide is all about and they have been there also. I went to the edge last summer and the police took me to the ER and took my gun away for a time, now I have a safety plan that includes people to call to talk to or to call the national Lifeline center and talk.
Have you tried electric convolsive therapy (ect / shock therapy)? My daughter has had it off and on for almost 3 years now and we see a big difference in her bipolor. She has a rare liver disease so we have to watch the meds she is on and it has gotten her off of about 7 of them. The down side is she has short term memory loss with some things like where do these dishes go? their are so many people getting it at the hospital now it is amazing. We family members sit in our own waiting room and have our little support group while loved ones are having the treatment and it really helps to realize none of us are alone. They put you under and you are monitered the whole time. The body does not thrash around because of the meds they use. It does effect everyone differently. Some may only need 10 treatment where others may need more and then some after the initial treatment come back every month or so for one treatment.
For some, after the initial treatment rarely have a need for it again. My daughter has most likely been getting the treatment more than anyone since they started doing it here. She was one of four of the first ones to get it done in our area and though she needs it more, her bipolor has gotten so much better and is under control with just meds but she also has ptsd and gets manic. The Ptsd is getting helped by both therapy and ect but they are having trouble getting the depression under control. We have seen her get stronger and stronger it has been a miracle for her. She no longer cuts, only hears the voices on rare occasions and can function somewhat better than she was 6 years ago. You do want to find a good person and place that does it so I would suggest you do some research. My daughter still has to fight not to harm herself and wants to give up so badly sometimes but like one of the gentlemen suggested for you to hold on for your family, that is a great way to look at it because our family is what has kept our daughter alive. I wish you luck and send hugs.
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