Throughout the majority of my pre-teen and teenage years, and then into my early 20's I dealt with various forms of anxiety/depression/self-mutilation/eating disorders, etc. Despite this, I maintained an A average in both high school and college, excelled in sports, got very involved in political activism, held numerous jobs and, in general, enjoyed my life. Four years ago I spent two years in a conflict zone (as an English teacher) and returned to find my depression/eating disorder, etc. worse than it had ever been. I enrolled in 24 credits in school (in an effort to graduate on time despite having taken 2 semesters off) but then found that I was unable to get myself to class, unable to wake up, unable to do any work at all, unable to focus entirely. At this point, I sought help, tested positive for ADD and some form of manic-depression, and was prescribed Adderall 20mg/day (regular not XR), along with an SSRI. Previously I had refused to take psych meds on the basis that I knew I had addictive tendencies. This time, I was told that because I really had ADD I would not become addicted to the medication. I should have known that was false, but I didn't, and began with the 20mg daily. Now I am prescribed 40mg daily, which I try to stretch out throughout the day as much as possible, but I often end up taking 50-70mg instead. The reason that I take them, I've realized, is because as they begin to wear off I 1) have NO energy and 2) get extremely depressed and easily agitated and 3) become extremely socially inhibited and 4) lose all motivation and 5) feel horribly anxious, as if I have to take more or everything will fall apart.
Generally I run out of my prescription about 4 days before my appointment to re-fill it, and during those 4 days while I usually can still go to work the minute I get home all I can do is 1) cry and 2) eat and 3) sleep.
The worst part of this, I think, is the shame that comes with it. Every doctor I've had has treated me like an addict, yet they prescribed it to me in the first place. I feel like I can't be honest with my doctor because I'm afraid he will cut off my prescription entirely... advice?