... day. I thought w/ this being day 3 of that dose (1mg in am then 1mg in pm) and all I want to do is lay around that maybe tomorrow it would get better. I have a 10 mth old and I'll be here alone w/ him. One more day and then I'm going down again. I thought that this would be easier after Rob's link. Now, I've read that info and I want to know how long is long? I'm so critical on myself and I have to present myself at an appt. pretending not to be sick. My baby deserves a 110 percent and if I can't give it I feel like it's the end of the world and detaimental to molding this innocent lil being. He deserves more then a junkie mommy. I'm trying! I'm just so depressed. I can't eat, I'm faking being happy for my baby and my fear of people and economic insecurity keep me at bay from everyone. I know I am asking a lot, but how long 10 days then some normality or more? This is the same character defect that keeps me wanting to use... not being able to accept that I'm not wealthy, I don't drive a 30 grand car and I equate myself worth with what I have in monetary value. How do I break this cycle of dysfunction and not destroy this perfect baby? If you could see him... you'd know there is a power greater than ourselves. He's amazing and you couldn't help but smile when he smiles. It's as if something spiritual is within him beaming through his eyes saying although every min seems like an eternity, you'll never understand how minut this is in comparison to the magnitude of the lives of your children and this world. Thanks for letting me share. I know this isn't meeting, but I had to get that off my chest. Am I a lifer or can I beat this? I need some realism! Methadone 8 yrs now subs about 4 mg per day sometimes 8 if I wanted to get a release from reality. I'll be honest get high, w/ 4-10/2mg xanax and clonidine. A viscious cycle that I feel I want to be free of seriously! I was doing this about 5x a mth! I see hope in my son's eyes. I'm not jst doin this for him for I feel he and I are one, plus I know that doesn't work. Thanx for anyone that reads my rambling and even more to anyone that replies.