After I had my daughter, she's 10 now, I have been on antidepressants. I became severely depressed when she was about 12-18 months. She is the only reason by far that I am still here on this earth, but at the same time I'm so still so depressed. I was wondering if it's possible that maybe it's not antidepressant that I need. I'm wondering if it's my hormones are not right? Please help!
I would offer you this, as a parent. I get it when you say "She is the only reason by far that I am still here on this earth.." however, that's an indication of emptiness despite the wonder of parenting. We need more. Just as the Flight attendant instructs YOU to put your mask on first, then help others (firefighters follow the same procedure), in this life, we must guard against the source of our "fullness" being something or someone, even our most loved one. If we believe we will be empty without someone, then we are indeed empty without them.
I would encourage you to search your soul and find something that gives you some form of purpose or joy. No, not to replace that which you hold so dear, nothing on this earth can ever replace what we hold in our heart, in our being toward our child. For me, that 10th birthday was huge, that digit turning into a 2-digit number (mine just turned 14 last Wednesday the 21st).
Your post is a blessing in a sense, as you will soon find as their interest in the world draws their attention away from us, bit by bit, we cannot allow ourselves to succumb to helplessness, loneliness, worry and self-doubt. All of which can come storming in without warning ( try to hold off on a smart phone for her as long as you can, texting alone is enough to rob us of precious time, although back in the day I guess it was the phone that stole them.
Take this as heartfelt; take steps for yourself, it is the single best thing you can do for her. It's not selfishness, in fact, quite the opposite. Get yourself off these meds, they rob you of the opportunity to renew your mind because they alter your mind. I know that's a big thing to say, and do.
The challenges grow exponentially from here, 10, 11, 12, 13, the time if just flies. We owe it to them to be 1000% us so we can be 5,000% there for them. Keep the dialogue open, be a friend? No so much, be friendly, but be MOM, there will be plenty of friends, only one MOM. THAT'S YOU!
Ensure she gets ALL OF YOU.
There's a hole in every human heart, the meds disguise it, but it's still a hole, and that may very well be the source of the depression.
Okay, I've rambled enough, you get the point. You're not alone in this, every day will bring challenges of its own, stay in the day, take the steps to renew your mind, and it guards your heart. Work on filling that hole, thus as the demands and challenges grow, you will grow with them.
It's not easy to stay to step ahead of them and still be 100% present in the present. We cannot do this with meds fogging that wonderful mom within.
Blessings. Keep in touch, do not isolate yourself, this is a long road ahead. Enjoy every mile.
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