I'm turning to all you wonderful people for advice . Here is my story as brief as possible so I don't bore you, but hoping details might be of something you have heard of:
1 year ago I was put on Remeron 15mg for sleep and to get me off Ativan. The reason I was on Ativan and for 3 years straight of .5mg a night for sleep, was simply because it made me sleep. Started getting interdose w/d so they said take more Ativan. As I did, it started not working correctly. Made me worse. fast forward a year and 1/2 I gained 40lbs from remeron and never really felt right on it. Just didn't feel like myself. My psychiatrist who put me on it started a slow tapering using a compound pharmacy. Got down to 5mg capsules feeling just fine. Introduced a liquid suspension at that time for slower tapering. Took one 5mg dose of the liquid and immediately got agitated, anxious, and mean. did not sleep at all. next night went back to 5mg capsules and for 3 nights got worse and worse. no sleep and just feeling sick and weird. My GP thought I developed a paradoxical reaction so pulled me off and had me take melatonin . I felt great for a week. Then severe anxiety and shaking, jerking, itching started. The GP insisted I take an Ativan. I did. for a week at the dose of 1-2 mg per day. It made me worse again. Saw the psychiatrist. He thought it resembled withdrawal. Took 6mg of Remeron after 3 weeks of being off and felt immediate relief. It WAS withdrawal, but now I'm also having classic Ativan w/d. My plan now is 7.5mg of remeron, with quicker taper off the Ativan. Did that last night and woke up in the middle of the night every night with severe anxiety rushing through my body. I can tell remeron is not doing what it usually does because i'm not hungry. and remeron always makes me hungry! It seems like that liquid suspension really messed up my brain chemistry. I'm not getting better and I'm scared to death. They don't even want to try me on another med because they thnk my reaction will be worse. I have a child I cant take care of now because i'm a mess. I saw a neurologist who did a brain scan back when this all started and I have some abnormality in my watershed areas. apparently its a vague reading, but means something. I keep rejecting medicines I wouldn't normally reject. even advil.
in the last 3 weeks ive been to the ER twice and seen many doctors. I live in Los Angeles where there are many of the bests physicians and facilities, but no one can help me. If I go to a psychiatric hospital, all my docs say the docs in there will pup me full of meds I don't want and make matters worse. I don't need to be sedated, just helped. A detox? but what am I detoxing from? remeron? the reason i'm so scared is because I cant imagine living my life everyday in fear and panic. no benzos help, only hurt. I have a supportive family, but they cant fix me. It scares me that I actually start thinking it would be better not to be alive. Is that my choice? live like this or take my life? Honestly, I'm a grounded 48 year old woman who has never taken any hard drugs, never been a drinker, just sort of regular and I suppose hum drum. But where do I go for help??? no one will help me get stable.