Hi All, I haven't posted in a while. I have been doing OK, I still don't?leave the house much. My wife is still here,but very strained relationship. I cant possibly name all the people here that have me, I haven't been any help to anyone , and I do feel bad about that. At this time I just don't have much to give. This BP is taking a large toil om me. In many ways. My entire family have turned their backs on me. My wife has now due to what I did Saturday. Like I have said, I don't leave my house, I have been online with face book and stay there most of the day. All my old friends are there. It has been good to talk with them . I posted a lot of old photos, of the parties we had here. Saturday I went to one of our friends funeral, Long story short/ It was an Irish wake, with 50+ bottles of whisky and wine. I snuck a few glasses of wine , to calm my nerves. which led to me drinking shot's of whisky. I made every one very mad at me!! I quickly went into a black out! I had no intention I was going to do that. I was going to leave after the service. I am so ashamed of my self, and disappointed in my self. I Slept all of Sunday now to day I feel I am back to square !. the anxiety,self worth, On and on. I want to know if any other BP people has done this? I was doing so well. This is almost more than I can bear. I will never be prescribed any Benzos. My nerves are totally shot. Thank you Disappointed Dave Love All of you
I use to go through the same chaos with my illness and drinking before I was properly medicated and in therapy. I have now learned my lessons, know my limits and remember the anguish I have put myself through so to not do it again. I recommend some therapy and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. They will help you learn tools for coping with your feelings and how to handle difficult situations. I know you are not fond of medication, but I must share that once I found the correct medications for my illness I no longer had to deal with the ups and downs and self medicating I was so use to. There are solutions and treatments for this illness. I can honestly say that I function very well now and am actually enjoying life. You too can have what I worked hard to obtain with a little determination and surrendering of my old ways.
Hi Dave - Thought of you yesterday & wondered how you were doing. Was hoping you were experiencing success with your search for answers & meds for Bipolar & life's struggles. I couldn't have said it better than Miss Laurie. And, think I've stated most of these answers to you before. Not to dwell on the past, but to realize the perseverance of your illness, I suggest re-reading your past posts & answers from all here concerned, who care about you & have been through the same trials & tribulations! Of course we have! Many have written wonderful suggestions. I'm not sure what you have/haven't followed through with as far as suggestions, but your post sounds eerily similar to where you've been & seem to remain with your wife & family, coping with your diagnosis, etc.
And, there is such great hope for us with Bipolar that I hate to see you stay stuck when there are answers out there! Remember the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over & over, expecting different results! Drinking/using are like throwing a match on gasoline for those of us with Bipolar. You know that with your background. No use feeling sorry for yourself, self-pity, guilt, self-condemnation. We've all been there & many have fought like the devil to find answers so we don't go there again. Dust yourself off. Do you have it in you to fight now? I know you do! So, pick yourself up, don't wallow in it, be the man you want to be, the one God intended for you to be & the one that your wife fell in love with, but do it sober! ANY journeys back to past behaviors will only remind your loved ones of what it was like, not who you are today, or what it'll be like with you in the future!
Go after answers to your Bipolar as vigorously as you did your career. Forget all about what you know re: meds, and start over if you must. Start with one med, keep an open mind, don't argue, just explain history to Dr., follow it through, and go to the next, if you must, but go on! We, who have Bipolar, must have a med/combo of meds, in conjunction with dual disorder therapy on a regular basis until it becomes so ingrained that you wouldn't drink/use or do anything to compromise your mental state, no matter what! Bipolar will not go into spontaneous remission! Go to a meeting every single day, any meeting (make it a project-go online and find all different kinds of mtgs-I did that & have been to bipolar, depression, dual disorder, addiction groups, NA, AA, Coda, AlAnon, OA, Overcomers & just about every 12 step program known to man & in most cities/countries)! Make friends with the men, and find a sponsor you relate to. It can be tough, I know. But, you need male friends, talk therapy, someone to tell you (in mtgs.) when you're into self-pity because its not pretty, and when you're doing well... tough love! It'll build that self-confidence & self-esteem to the point where no one/nothing can destroy it! Work like your life depends on it... it does. We (addicts) can be very selfish by nature, but when working a good program, can also be a terrific asset to our family & to society, as a whole. We become part of the solution, not the problem! Find hobbies, get active, BE the man your wife falls in love with again. Forget about being help to anyone until you can help yourself & be the person God intended you to be. He doesn't want any of us sulking or feeling bad (I don't think!). I believe He wants us grateful, humble, appreciative, accepting, loving, working hard, and helpful because of our experiences that can help others. You have mountains to share & with which to help others because I know you care. Our assets can also be our liabilities (and vice versa), when taken to extremes.
So, make a plan to wake up tomorrow, take a 15 minute walk, pray & meditate in the garden/room alone, or just sit still & talk to God for 10 mins., then do the next thing on your "plan" (which should be the mtg. you've planned!), then eat a meal & go! Or, whatever your plan entails... call a therapist, etc. Do esteemable acts & you will feel great! I promise. Just making my bed & cleaning out drawers, or whatever, made me feel like I was starting a new life. Take contrary action to how you acted the other night. Its not a big deal unless we don't learn from our mistakes. And, words are cheap (to others), but our actions speak volumes.
It pains me to see a soul suffering when there are solutions, but they do take courage, which I know you have. FB is great occasionally, but sounds like you're still living in the past with your "great parties & old lifestyle, etc.". Make a new one by starting now & taking new pics. And, find a few great new hobbies... I wish you well & don't mean to sound like I'm preaching. I certainly have hard days, but like Laurie, am pretty stable now for about a dozen years with the Bipolar. Be desperate to find answers & do them all! Good Luck & don't be a stranger unless you're too busy living a very productive life! God Bless, Jillian
Dear David Cass,
I was thinking about you, and all the mistakes I used to make when I drank. Don't think you are the only one my friend, that has made a bad choice. Or set out to do something, and it turn out completely different. Again, Miss Laurie explained this illness and what drinking on top of it will do for you. But there is always hope around every corner. I was the world's worst. I should know. It got to the point, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hated what I had become. How could I do that to myself. But I got myself some help, not only for me, but because of my kids too. It was hard enough being bipolar... and trying to handle a drinking problem on top of that wasn't very smart or easy for me. So yes, other people have done it. For me, over and over. But not anymore. And you shouldn't beat yourself up. You recognize you did something wrong, and you own it. Now quit beating yourself up, and just try to not do it again. Keeping yourself down will only make matters worst. Forgive yourself, and move on my friend. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. We are here for you. Ruth
Hi Dave, sent you a PQ last week. Was thinking about you because you hadn't responded in quite a while again. PLEASE stay with this support group! We understand more than you'll ever know. So many have been where you are, & can actually help lift you up. No one will scorn you, you do enough of that yourself. I agree with Ruthie, to just pick yourself up & dust yourself off & get back with the program. I also agree that you need to go to NA or AA, or both for while. It will get you out of the house for one thing, & maybe show your wife you are serious about doing something to help yourself. You can sit there & wallow in the pity pot, or get up off of it & do something positive. You know me, I don't mince words at all. Please do this for you, & I think you may see a difference in others around you too... Mary
Hi Dave! You've been in my thoughts as well. I was actually hoping that you'd have been able to keep a positive outlook for today & make some plans for tomorrow. It's likely not very helpful at this point to keep thinking about the past.
Dave, it's time for you to turn the corner! I also concur with the others here. Please read some of your older posts & the great suggestions & solutions already presented to you here.
Get counselling; get a sponsor (advocate). Keep a daily journal. Set goals.
I wish you well, my friend! You can have great success with your health & welfare. It's up to you now, Dave. Do it!
Love, Wendy :) "LiverLips"
Hi Dave. Tad late. Try and keep it all in perspective. Its really not important what others think. You can never change anothers way of thinking, be it about you, whatever. Its so simple, really, block it out. My saying holds true, take what you need and leave the rest. I care not a hoot what others think about me or vice versa. Its all relative. Live life for the moment, the best way you feel is right for you. End of the day, its all about you feeling how you do about yourself, not others, whoever they might, thinking how you should be acting, living your life. Take care, be well,pledge
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