Hi all. I'm a young mom to 2 small children. I've always had anxiety, but after having my first baby in 2009 I had horrible postpartum anxiety and was put on Lexapro. The start up was horrible, I even had moments of suicidal thoughts, and worsening depression (though I didn't have much depression in the first place) but my psychiatrist at the time told me to give it more time and it will start working soon. She was right, and it did start working around 8 weeks. From then on I was a very happy, anxiety free mommy! I felt so great that when my son Was a year and a half old, we wanted another baby so with my drs help I attempted to wean off. I went down to 15mg a day to start and by the 5th day I was starting to feel lousy and depressed. It felt like I was starting up again with the depression that, again, I've never experienced before Lexapro before so either it's something that came on naturally after starting it (depression runs in my distant family) or the lexapro itself is causing it when it's not stable in my system.

Anyway, as soon as I started feeling it I didn't care, I wanted it to go away so I started back to 20 mg and my dr was ok with this. It took me a few weeks to feel back to my happy self. Now because of this, I've been very afraid of trying to get off again. And honestly I liked the person I was while on it, so I was fine with staying on it. Until my husband got out of the military and we lost our insurance. Before this, I had a healthy pregnancy and postpartum experience while still on my lexapro. I even switched from the name brand to the generic that came out while I was pregnant still and had absolutely no issues.

Fast forward about a ear after having my daughter and being totally happy and fine, that's when we lost our insurance and a different dr (not the psychiatrist is been seeing for 4 years) told me to switch to the generic of celexa because it's the same drug but much more affordable. So 4 days after we moved to a completely new area so my husband could go to school, I ran out of my lexapro and had to start the celexa. An hour after taking it I immediately felt a difference in my head. I had this pressure feeling and heightened anxiety.

I kept going tho, cause $4 for this med. compared to $165 for the lexapro generic was worth the trial. Let's just say within 2 weeks I was a mess. I lost all motivation, had a horrible time thinking clearly, couldn't focus on anything. Then at the end if the 2 week mark I started crying uncontrollably over nothing! I was so emotional and sad. I thought for sure it was the celexa not working for me, so I called my old psychiatrist and she sent in a prescription for lexapro generic again for me.

I started it, at 20 mg (I was on 40mg of celexa) my usual dose and I ended up having the most unbearable start up symptoms ever. I could hardly get thru the day, doing anything was damn near painful! And the morning anxiety was disgusting! I didn't want to do anything. I wasn't suicidal, but I had moments of not even wanting to be a mom anymore. And this time I have no dr to go to for help! But I knew it should pass, and after a week it did get better. And as more weeks went by, I got better and better! Started feeling much better and like y old self around 6 weeks. And then 8 weeks I noticed a tiny decline. And then right after noticing that, my husbands family had issues resulting in Us having to take in his 16 year old brother. And that stressor really hit me hard and I think set my recovery back because all of a sudden my anxiety was back and so was some of my depression.

It's been a few days since that and I had a few bad days of feeling sadness, some anxiety. And now today? I feel almost nothing. In fact, I feel like I'm high. I don't care about anything, have no drive or motivation to do anything. I am scared.

Someone tell me what to do! I can't afford a psychiatrist and I can't see a low income dr until the middle of next month! I want my old self back!!

Should I try to get off it? I'm scared of doing that because of what happened the first time and I've been on it since becoming a mom and in afraid I will all of a sudden not love my children or something. I also really don't want to without a dr's guidance. I'm so scared!