... overwhelming and humiliating that you almost wish you were dead or that you want to commit suicide because the past wont let you be free. I'm just asking because that is how mine get
When I get PTSD flashbacks, they often bring me mentally back to a depressive state identical to how I felt at the time, suicidal, and a strong urge for cutting, as that's how I dealt with the pain at the very end of the period... although, I honestly don't remember very much of my childhood except for vacations... I have cut a few times, and makes me feel sooo much better, although, I can't, just due to the fact of work (can only cut under the watch area, however, if it was winter right now, I'm sure that I'd be in trouble) Relatively recently, a section of my past came to light spontaneously while driving and talking to my dad... Even when I don't get flash backs, if I'm by myself for too long, I now start to feel more and more hollow, in a very painful sort of way, like as if someone had taken a dull knife and cut out all of my insides, leaving me as a hollow shell.
I honestly can say that I wish that I never remembered anything, as it's caused so much more pain, even if it is a gateway to stopping many of my other symptoms of spontaneous panic attacks, general anxiety, and depression. My psychologist has helped now much more than my psychiatrist has at this point, however, I now understand why we have to go slow in my case. Turns out that I just can't handle the regression or even talking about certain things going to fast, we tried once, and nearly ended up in a hospital. I now however have an idea as how to deal with the very slow regression. Regardless, at least before all of this happened, I had all of my symptoms happily managed by medication, now it's just gotten worse, and have been put on only 2mg of Abilify in addition to everything else that I take, and so far feel like a zombie at times... I plan on stopping it if it doesn't getter any better within a couple days (will have been a week), cause I can't take that either, even if it has helped a bit, and don't get quite the same painful reactions that I used to, it's just not the correct answer for me. Besides, I think that it has made my Fibromyalgia to have gotten worse. Ignorance (or complete repression) is bliss in comparison.
It's funny, my Dad actually apologized for my childhood a couple years ago, before I even knew what had happened, and I now know, that he, also like me, was sick, but untreated. My older brother also was and is very very sick, to a non-functional point (he refuses treatment - and will get violent if you even slightly suggest anything might be wrong, cause according to him, everyone is out to get him, and that's just the tinny tip of the iceberg), my mom however, made sure that all of this could go on, as according to her mantra: "(last name)'s don't have problems" She hasn't changed at all, and is way to detached from reality to understand (and doesn't remember much of what I'm slowly starting to remember), my dad has made a valiant effort to control his violent / anxiety ridden tendencies within the last few years, and I can totally tell (even if he slips up from time to time, like talking to him in the car that brought this all on - and he felt terrible about it afterwords), and my brother, well, he's just seriously sick, and still living with my parents. According to my mother, "he's doing much better, as he no longer cries in the bathroom, and only talks to himself (in the bathroom) when he gets stressed out). The thing that really sucks, is that even if we flush all of this (C?)-PTSD b.s. down the toilet, my psychologist warned me that with my family history (a very long dark one ridden with mental illness), my anxiety and depression very well might still be there due to the genetic factors also involved.
I have a tendency to write responses that are unnecessarily long, but totally can relate, even if our responses are slightly different, I don't respond suicidal due to the past that won't leave me alone, I sometimes respond suicidal due to the past, and my tendency to regress. Regardless, I wish you the best of luck, and sincerely hope that your symptoms get better with time and treatment (I can only assume).
Hi hardfi, I have had an difficult adult life. I have lost my siblings, my dad, my grandmother, a divorce after 25 years,chronic pain issues... These things have happened one right after the other, not over a long period of time. I am not here to whine, as many other people on this site are having all types of difficult problems as well. They are trying to get through each day with pain along with PTSD. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, you might need to talk with a professional, I don't think there are too many people here who have the proper credentials. They have tons of love, knowledge, experience with difficult pain, diseases. I believe that the past has to be dealt with and put where it belongs... in the past. The terrible memories, the scary thoughts and all you have been through.
You continue to carry it around until it gets so damn heavy, try to put it down, walk don't run, but don't look back. I try to live in the here and now these days and of course some are bad not as good as others. I guess my point is try not to allow the past to control you or your spirit. It has done it's damage, now, I control it instead. When you contemplate suicide remember, if you decide to "complete" it, you are leaving others behind. They don't know if they missed somrthing that was said, a clue, a comment a cry for help. It is the people who are left behind who suffer, who scream and cry, they carry the guilt everyday for the rest of thier lives. Please hardfi,you need to to get some help. I have survived the suicide of my youngest brother and to this day I wonder what if anything he could say to help me understand, all I know for sure is the pain my family ( what is left of it) still suffers to this day. I truly hope things get better, I really do. Fall Queen
I hope you are seeing a therapist because talking baout your past (regardless of how painful, miserable, etc.) actually does help. Believe it or not, I'm sure that this post has made a lot of people feel somewhat better just by knowing they aren't the only ones going through their situations. I do hope you will find someone who can help you so that you can at least get through the flashbacks without contemplating self-harm. Please post as often as you need to and I'm sure others will be glad to communicate back and forth with you. Take care.
yes Hardi, I have been going through that now. I can't get it out of my head. and yes to your other question, that's how I feel now.
To everyone else. I went to my first group counseling sittning there with social phobia waiting and waiting, well the office then tells me it was cancelled after 20min. No one called me to let me know, I forced myself to go. I knew I only had 2 to do so I can get a therapist again, mine had to leave. This just added to my stress, and my parents don't understands that this episode will never go away either. OPSTD. Can you believe a behavorioral health clinic did this to me!!!
I go through the same thing. When scenes from what happened to me start running through my mind, tears well up in my eyes, I cry uncontrollably and I feel that hopeless, helpless feeling all over again. Most of the time I end up sitting on a floor of a restroom at work when the scenes start again ( I work nights and alone). A bathroom floor at home is where I spent most of my time crying at night while I was living through my terrible ordeal the first time and crying til I can't cry anymore.
I attempted suicide on Feb 20th of this year due to this and years of other issues and all it did was make me realize (since I survived) is how much I hurt my children by doing that. I still think about it but my children are counting on me keeping my promise to stay around.
Please don't feel alone in what is going on when the flashbacks start ~ please remember the feelings will pass and they will fade. Your are not alone Hardfi and you are a lot stronger than you think.
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