The last mania I went through in summer/fall 2010 I experience full mania instead of extreme hypomania. I used to have some thought errors like my molecules were coming apart and I was being drawn into the earth etc. This time I was very paranoid and delusional. I saw conspiracies everywhere all coming back to a certain group of people I had tied together. My confusion occurs on many levels. 1. On some level I knew eventually I was behaving e]irrationally. I sought help and continued my behavior because I felt compelled to do so and was unable to cope at all with anything without giving into the constant craving for at least a significant amount of time everyday where it interfered with my life big time. Is it normal to be able to recognize irrational behavior and if so still not be able to stop the behavior? 2. Why do I still feel so strongly about the conspiracy still being true? Part of me want some more mania to delve back into the conspiracy. Is that typical? How do people deal with those thoughts? Is there a specific type of therapy? 3. I've been the victim of real discrimination recently, confirmed by my wife and many others and I am pursuing a resolution. Can I expect to go into the people who actually did commit injurious acts against me or am I going back to the conspiracy I've been working on? I've realized in the course of writing this that my phrasing may be an indication of some still ongoing paranoia issues I have yet to deal with and are still clearly in my mind. I'm not changing the wording. I'm feeling lost. Any help? Thanks, Michael
You say you are paranoid and have OCD issues; your writing is indeed rambling and seems manic. I would suggest getting in touch with a therapist and see if he/she thinks you might need a psychiatrist. I AM NOT A DOCTOR, BUT it could be that you are bi-polar. It is possible to realize that your thoughts are irrational BUT still feel the urge to give in to those very same thoughts. It could be that you feel the need to delve back into (or feed) these thoughts because you need to somehow justify your feelings and actions. I don't think there is anything wrong with you that a therapist and/or psychiatrist couldn't help you with. I know my friend Maso here on this board will read this and will probably post to you as well... he too is bi-polar and may be able to give you better insight on the matter. Hope this helps.
Hello, Bionicmike (love that name), I wanted to first say that your posting was an act of true courage putting yourself out there without changing anything. I only know what you are going through to a degree. My own psychosis occurred 4 years ago, well, I had 3 psychotic episodes during the last 8 years. Mine was chemically induced, however shameful that may be. We can guess what that chemical was.
I had extreme paranoia, believed there were conspiracies against me, seeing things that did not exist. All three episodes had the same manifestations. I was also very aware of my erratic thinking, but my mind kept pulling me back in to the conspiracies; it was more fun (not the right word) to believe that these people could be that horrible.
I almost didn't want to bring my experiences up as they went away when I was able to stop the madness of my use. For a person such as yourself, who has an actual condition, my story does not seem fair to talk about.
Even after years of not using, I can still fall easily back into that way of thinking. This time I am equipped to work through those thoughts.
I hope you are able to find some help for these nightmarish thoughts. No one should have to deal with the things you described.
I was on heavy doses of Morphine and it made me hallucinate. I thought everyone was talking about me and that there were cameras in my hospital room. It took a hospital administrator to come to my room and assure me the staff was not talking about me and that there were no cameras for me to accept that I was hallucinating. Even though I understood that I still was hearing things. I kept hearing them make announcments about me on the overhead speakers. I knew that it wasn't real and that I was the only one hearing it but the cycle continued untill I was off of the morphine.
I don't know if that helps you or not. I hope it does.
Last summer I had an episode with the paranoia that comes with Bipolar, I was put on a high dose of Adderrall for my ADHD. My reaction was Horrible to say the least.
I am allergic to bees, and they were chasing me.. Everywhere ( not even kidding). It was 105 one day the bees were highly aggravated and I was Psychotic.
I was so scared to leave my house due to bees, and would cringe and drop to the ground when I heard the littlest Buzzing noise.
I asked my dr for help he said to face my fear well I can't run from my own mind.
Now I take my Adderall 4 times a day 20 mg.The dr had me on 20 mg 6 times a day. And haven't had that reaction again
I take photographs of nature I can't be paranoid of it.
I still have some residual paranoia but I'm facing my fear.
bionicmike, I fully understand where you are coming from on this website when others who don't experience what we do try to give their two cents. Even my own husband can never really know exactly what I go through but he does know that these actions that I can not control at times are not me but the illness. I have been only staying on this site for other reasons but would like to encourage you to join psych central forums. This is a place that others dealing with our illness really are warm and caring individuals. They are not there to judge you and really has helped me come to me accepting my illness. They also are very supportive and you may feel more comfortable there. As for some others on here they just copy and paste information to get their points I awesome. Well that is what I have noticed for one particular person who has everyone believing he is some professional on here just cause he deals with a mental illness.
I just have not been able to express myself before but wanted you to know about the other forum. Plus therapy would benefit you for learning how to deal with your paranoia.
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