I am 30 years old. I had a depression problem my freshman year in highschool and remember thinking what is going on with me. For a short time I took Zoloft and I remember it helping. I remember my father telling me not to worry but it was simploy a chemical imbalance in my brain. During college in 1998, I had my first panic attack while going through fraternity rush and being asked questions during a pledge examination. I simply lost control of all my muscles and every muscle at that time contracted. In 1999 I my high school sweetheart broke my heart and started what was a pretty severe depression from 1999 - 2005. At the time I took no medicine but I would just read books about depression, especially about Abraham Lincoln called Lincon't Melacoly and remembering how much I related to his depression symptoms. At the time I just didn't want to be on any medication. Then, I meet a great women in 2005 and ,in 2005 after meeting my future wife, she gave me a ultimatim that I either get help in terms of counseling or we are through as I was having major anxiety problems relating to being able to commit to a relationship with her. (I would break up with her and would panic and then drive back the same night crying, did this two or three times.) Her request, that was the best advice of my life. After counseling and going to a M.D in 2005 I was prescribed 10 mg of Lexapro but shortly it was increased to 20 mg. That helped tremendously... consequently we got married and have been doing great, even had a baby girl in 2009. About 2.5 years later or in 2007 I was playing soccer and tore my knee (ACL, PCL, Menicus) After the surgery I was given strong doses of Oxycoden and Demoral for 3 weeks straight to help with the pain. My wife gave these to me per doctors dosage every 3-4 hours. Then after the 3 weeks and being out of medicine I stopped completely not thinking about any type of possible withdraws. The days following those three weeks were the hardest, most terrible days of my life. And I didn't want to think about putting any of that medicine back in my body again, it scared me too much. Suddenly I went to major Panic attacks, to the point of muscles contracting and not being able to simply function. At that time I tried to self-admit myself to a facility but was declined because they were full. After about 3-4 days of what I considering complete horror, I went to my F.P doctor and he prescribed by .25 mg of Xanix. That didn't help me and and he immediately up it to 1mg of Xanix. During those horrendous times I would take up to 3mg of Xanix and the panic feeling would go subside enough where I wouldn't feel like I was dying and could get some sleep. During that week or so I had zero appetitie and lost 15 pounds. This episode has stuck with me but I got through it. (One thing I know is I will never take Demoral or Oxycodon again in my life)

After getting over what I guess were withdraws, I did well. From 2007 - 2010 I stayed on 20mg of Lexapro and was doing fine with occasionally taking 1mg Xanix when a panic attack was coming and also occassionally taking 1mg for just higher anxiety and when flying. I would also occassionaly take 1mg when I couldn't sleep due to anxiety although before doing that I always try to put a ice pack around my forehead as that seems to calm my nerves somewhat. I have been doing the icepack about everynight for 6 months or so.

From 2005 - 2010 I went from 170 pounds to 200 pounds today and I have basically completely lost my sex drive. My wife is so beautiful and yet I am just never in the mood to make love. So, after our frustrations, I decided about 3 months ago to reduce my Lexapro from 20mg to 10 mg and now last month I have stopped taking Lexapro entirely. To this point I have done "ok" except with anxiety, now the only thing I have to rely on is the Xanix and I needed to take this while I was in a trip in Alaska almost every night last week to sleep and now that I am home I have had to take 1mg the last two nights including tonight with the main reason me simply feeling like I am afraid to die and I am not ready to die and I don't have a strong enough faith in God to be ready to die. It just scares me to the point of creating a panic/super high anxiety.

So now I am confused and would appreciate any help. My wife asked if I should get back on the Lexapro? I know that would help but I originally took the Lexapro for Anxiety and Depression and I will say I don't feel much depression anymore. I just really want to fight off getting back on Lexapro as I was on it for 5 years and do feel it contributed somewhat to my weight gain and even more to my lack of sex drive. Since getting off the Lexapro over the past month, we have already had sex 3 times which is more than the previous 6 months. My sex drive isn't still like it was in 2005 but an improvement is an improvement. I also will say that for me nights are by far the toughest. During the day I am always feeling good, working hard, not thinking about anything but work. But during the night, it just hits me and the fear immediately sets it, and the fear is death, of dying. My wife also thinks maybe counseling. Personally I have been to counseling over the years and other than myself getting a stronger faith in God, I don't see that helping. I would greatly appreciate any help here. I also don't want to rely on the Xanix to the point where I get addicted. Which leads me to the question, is taking 1mg of Xanix every night to sleep an addiction? I would love to see if anyone else has a problem similar to mine and get some help. Or even get in a group as I have felt better just reading other peoples stories.

Thanks for listening to my story and thanks in advance for any help,

One further note. I tell myself that I am not depressed at this time but after reading this question that I just typed, I am now crying by myself.

July 3rd, 2010, 6:45pm. Not doing well. I did go last night without taking any medicine but when I woke up in morning my anxiety was probably a 90 out of 100. I tried to help out with Lydia and did from 5:30am to 8:30am but after that I went to my room and just kind of lost it. Finally gave in and decided to get back on Lexapro for now so I took .20mg of Lexapro and then .5 of Xanax. After an hour I still wasn’t feeling any better so I took a 1mg tablet of Xanax. my wife is not doing well herself so she went to her hometown and I pray that she is doing ok. Dad came over to pick up me and take me to his house. I did finally eat something, a chicken sandwich and I drank a Gatorade. I called my primary care doctor hotline and nurse said only think I can do it call 911 or go to Urgent care, or wait until Tuesday and schedule a visit. So I called Dr. He told me I need to go so a psychiatrist and he told me to call him on Tuesday and he would make a phone call and get me in to see him.

So for right now, I still have this depressed feeling, and feeling that my heart could stop at any time, a feeling that I am just going to die. And I am so scared of dying