... (inoperable osteoarthritis in both knees, complicated by earlier fractures and rods and pins in both femurs from a car accident in 1973). But he's getting me into a pain clinic in about a month and keeping me on the oxy.

Doc says he doesn't know why I'm having withdrawals, even though he is taking me down from 240 mg. slowly. He's kept me at 200 mg. but says he's going to decrease it on my refill.

But I might not even be able to get to refill as I can't stand the withdrawals every day and every night and have taken more than I should, or earlier than every eight hours.

Sorry to go on and on but if anyone has some helpful information, I know they'll need information.

I'm freaked out, needless to say, that I'm going to be in withdrawals, should I even be able to get a refill until the pain clinic will see me in about a month. I'm trying so hard to hang on and just push the edges when I get to panic attack zone. I'm only several pills short and have cut them to make them last as long as I can. But it's still a day or two short. I'm so confused now and the anxiety gets in the way of thinking straight.

I was under the care of an addiction doctor (apparently not a good one as he put me on Suboxone after six year of tramadol began to cause mental disorientation and manic highs. But Suboxone made my mouth break out in sores and turn bright red and, to make more crude details to a minimum, he put me on 60 mg. of Oxicodone twice a day, reluctantly. Turns out he was ill with lung cancer and died four months later after increasing my dose to 240 mg.

When my primary doc took over prescribing, he suggested that we switch to OxyCodone and wanted me to visit a pain clinic. Soon, the pain clinic I chose told him I was on an huge amount of medication that was very dangerous so he started tapering me. He dropped from 80/80/80mg. a day to 80/80/60 the first month, then to 80/60/60 mg. By then the discomfort from the reduction became withdrawals.

I am an addict. I know without a doubt that I'm a full blown addict. I've talked to a treatment center but they use Suboxone and said they couldn't help me. I talked to the methadone clinic and they said they couldn't help me (because of the chronic pain part).

I feel like I'm out of options and that an unthinkable ending is now thinkable. But I know many lives would be forever affected, especially my two grown children, and that it's the most selfish act. I know, I know, but please God, I pray so many times a day, show me a way so I can come home to You in your time, not mine. Twelve step meetings have taught me a lot but it's most AA and not NA that have meeting around here.

Thank you for reading this. I forgot to add that I'm 63 and have Hep C and a bad thyroid (OK under treatment). Thank you for anyone with even a "hang in there" to say. God is watching us all and can do miracles, but it's not a great deal of help when I'm sick. I've been a little sick so long that I feel like there's no reserves left. And even though I know God is the answer (in my brain), my heart can't make the spiritual connection when I pray. But like Mother Theresa, who had a crisis of faith for most of her life, I believe. May God bless us all. Thank you God for this moment when I can sit here and and that I can write this.