... coming off for 3 or 4 weeks at a time because of deteriorating knee joints; last fall my right knee finally starting shooting pain 24/7 and I ended up on oxy contin full time from Oct through June 18 2009. After my surgery in February I got up to 400mg/day of oxycontin; then started to detox in April; It took 4 months of detox at my home to be finally off all the drugs. Then another month of sweats/chills/everything else. I have relapsed one time 2 weeks ago after a trip home to see my family but it did nothing for me and I have no desire to take anymore. My problem is depression, I got married a year and half ago as an abusive pain med user and became a full blow addict in our first year of marriage because of my knee and the surgery. Upon my return from my trip home, I told my wife I wanted to move home and did not think I wanted her there with me. I have been guilt ridden and have felt depressed every since I got back from home. I have no emotion towards my wife and hate my job, I have no idea if this is the flight mentality or if it is real and its killing me. My detox therapist and now our couples therapists both specialize in addiction and tell me its a geographic jump that will solve nothing and I have to deal with liking my self again from the shame and guilt of using for so long and getting married while using. Any insight?
Deep depression is common among us opiate addicts. As you may know, addicts get a particular high from opiates and it's usually due to the fact that we have a low level of natural endorphin's. So we take percocet,morphine,heroin whatever and we feel wonderful. Never before have we felt so normal, happy and ready to take on the world. This is how people with a normal level of endorphin's feel minus the super euphoria.
After years and years of opaite abuse whatever production of endorphin's we were making literally stops and our brain and bodies rely on the synthetic endorphins in the form of the opiates.
Once we stop taking the opiates the brain and body sre left with little to no endorphin's and we slip into deep depression. This is were methadone and buprenorphene(suboxone) really shine as you can 6ake a daily dose of one of these drugs and your body will still begin to produce endorphins thereby proving that you are not just trading one drug for another. That's a whole different story and maybe some other time.
So what you have to do is get those endorphin's producing again. Anti depressants can help and you only need to be on them for maybe 6 months to a year. This allows you to recover without feeling so shitty all the time.
Or you could go on suboxone which will let you feel normal without the high. This allows you to work on other problems such as your job, relationships ect.
When you and the doctor feel you're ready he will start you on a slow gradual detox so that you don't slip into depression again.
This is why you see so many opiate addicts relapse after staying clean past the physical withdrawls. People say '' the guy had been clean for 3 months and was over the withdrawls''!! What they don't understand is the guy was miserable and depressed and the only thing that could help him in his eyes was opiates.
So it's a veery difficult addict to control and live without.
I myself abused for 23 years everyday and averaged 3,000 mgs of morphine a day. I would do all the pills I had as I could not ''save or stretch them out''. I was totally out of control and headed for a o.d.
8 years ago I got on methadone and had to go up to 400mgs a day to feel ''NORMAL''.
I stayed at 400mgs/day for 4 years. After the 4 years I truly felt I could come down without relapsing. My brain and body had recovered enough so that I didn't need to be on a high dose anymore. So for the next 2 years I dropped 10% every 4 weeks.For the last year I have been at 120mgs\day and I feel great. I'm working full time as a supervisor and mty marriage couldn't be better ( I was very lucky to still have a wife by the time I started to recover).
So this opiate addiction that we suffer from can be controlled and we can live as normal a life as our next door neighbor. Hang in there and try to get out for a couple walks a day. Walking actually helps promote endorphin production. Try and eart a high protien diet for a couple months for energy and drink gatorade or any sports drink. Stay away from the so called energy drinks as the hype you up on tons of sugar and caffine. Good luck and let me know how your doing. There is light at the end of the tunnel just don't give up...
Please do not feel guilty about your addiction, I detoxed last January after 5-10 year (I honestly can not tell how long it has been, I was so high that I lost the last 5 years, I know it has been at least 5 years because my wife started journaling my life as an addict 5 years ago) addiction. I can not understand if you are still married to her or not, but go to her and ask for forgiveness, only once, for the addiction, and leave that guilt right then and there. That is what I had to do, and it has worked pretty well, obviously I have a bad day once in a while. If I get down, I pull out a picture of my wife and kids. As far as your therapist, he/she does not sound very caring, you are pretty unstable right now so you do not need someone telling you that it will solve nothing, they are to support you, and guide you, but in a caring way. That depression will need a freind, loved one, or family member to keep you accountable. To make sure you get out of bed, make sure you get dressed, make sure that you eat, can you tell I have been down that dangerous road. I found that the worst thing to do is to keep piling more drugs upon drugs perscribed by a Dr., I was on 6 different anti-depressents, I then got addicted to those as well. My Dr. has been shooting Hyalgal in both knees (iy acts as a cusion) and it works great. I feel your pain and suffering, please do not give up, I will be here, I just signed up yesterday. N.I.B.
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