Hi!

I've never been a forum poster, but always a lurker– looking for answers and questions that may also relate to me. I began to see how much sharing and replying helped one another, so thought it was time to stop selfishly reading and start taking part!

I've been a long time sufferer of depression, severly in terms of "*** is wrong with me, do I really have to do this day after day, this can't just be life, dear god there's nothing for me here" paired with crappy mood swings and super irritability and anxiety at time. I'm a dream to date sometimes, believe me. Though, I never really understood that I was depressed, and I don't know why. I guess I just viewed it as "life freaking sucks and I suck and I'm fat and this is crap crap crap and always will be, people freaking suck." Even though I have a great career (copywriter) and have a great husband who makes me genuinely happy, when I'm able to be. I knew that something was wrong with me, always, but never tried to really approach it.

I never tried meds before really and have tried therapy, but found that just talking about my feelings and paying 150$ a pop for it didn't improve the miserable gut feeling and outlook I had. I also was terrified of meds in the sense of A. body issues so am terrified of gaining weight and B. I really dislike western medicines solution of putting synthesized things in your body to manipulate your brain.

But I've come to find some people really do need medication, clearly.

My relationship with my husband (who is a damn saint at this point) started really getting strained. He put up with my crazy crying spells, mood swings, irritability that I couldn't control directed at him, and all the negativity I presented (and was aware of, but had no idea how to control) and excessive drinking (self medication anyone? Dumb dumb and dumb.) He asked me, "When's the last time you can remember being happy? i don't mean that time we went to Disney World and it was fun kind of happy, I mean content with life? Existing was ok for the most part?" I didn't have an answer because I couldn't remember ever being really content. So, it was def time for action.

I went to doc, explained myself (which, man, that's hard to do) and family history of depression etc. She prescribed bupropion, just 50mg twice a day, once in the morning, once in the evening. After three weeks, I noticed a difference, which I was surprised about. I didn't really know what to expect, but didn't expect to finally fell... normal, I guess? Just... alright, like understanding that nothing is really wrong, and the feeling of constant dread disappeared. Husband and I rejoiced! Our relationship was what it had been again and was meant to be. I stopped drinking as much, but not completely as advice from my doctor, that if you go from being a somewhat heavy, daily drinker to abruptly stopping on this med it can result in seizures, so I instead I've been phasing it out e.g. Things were going super well, and I was delighted (I never paid attention to how amazing fall was!)

A few weeks later (after 4 weeks of being on 100 a day) doc upped my dosage to 100mg twice daily (200mg a day.) Admittedly, I started the new dose and quickly (like two days after) started accidentally forgetting to take my evening pill (work got nuts) a few times, some in a row, sometimes on and off (for about a week and a half of so.) My improvement halted. I started getting serious cases of the sads again. My irritability went through the roof, as did experiencing anxiety and stopped being able to manage stress as well. Started fighting with husband and stopped sleeping as well. I'm starting day three of taking my pills as completely instructed, and am curious of two things because I soooooo want to get back on track! I was doing so so well.

A. Is this normal/can this happen if you screw up your doses? Like, this is probably my fault I realize, but has anyone else experienced this? As a non AD taker before, I didn't realize how delicate the balance was.

B. I'm on the higher dose, and has anyone else experienced the change in mood/increased anxiety for a period after upping dosage? Is it me adjusting to it, and can I expect it to subside? It's day three of consistent double dose, and I'm just hoping that the mood shift will subside.

Thanks for letting me rant, and thanks in advance for any advice/opinion. They're greatly appreciated!