Hey all , I'm new to these online forums but I'm desperate and need any help I can get. I have been on an antidepressant since I was 19. I'm 34 now. My doctor thinks I could be borderline bipolar 2 since there always seems to be something surfacing when just on an SSRI and Klonipin combo. So she's been playing Guinnea pig with me the last few years to try and find the right combo. I react poorly to everything. Been on 21 drugs. Can't ever stay on the add ons. Anyways for the longest time I just stayed on the lexapro klonipin combo but things started to feel off again and she added on Latuda in the fall. At first it worked ok but then side effects kicked in a couple months later, then they tried Vraylar which was bad, then rexulti which made me have crippling OCD and anxiety. I felt like I was obsessing over all my basic day to day functions. Worried about what to do with my day. Frozen in fear . Not able to function at work. Doctor upped the dose. Got better for a small amount of time but the crippling distress and fear would not leave. Finally lowered off that and went back on latuda. Was only on latuda for a week and I got blind spots and went to the ER. Doctor at the ER told me to stop the latuda.

Ok, currently I've been off the Rexulti for over a month , the latuda for 3 weeks. I'm feeling horrible. Stuck in fear and depression. Can hardly function. The days are dreadful I don't know what to do with myself. I can't put into words how bad this feels. The crying spells , the hopelessness the dread . And the massive anxiety and overthinking. My doc says that this could be my "true" form surfacing. But I KNOW I wasn't like this before I started the antipsychotics. I don't want to go back on one and make myself even worse. Constantly in this spiral. I'm still on the lexapro and the klonipin. They seem to be doing nothing now. Everything is so overwhelming. I go to bed at night in fear because I know how bad the morning will be.

Can anyone relate to this? Everything inside me wants to believe this is withdrawal of some sort. I have not been husband before outside of the time I had Paxil withdrawal. Any advice would be so appreciated because I'm stuck on my couch right now in severe mental pain.

Thank you