I moved to Australia to be with my Australian husband 9 years ago and we divorced 5 years later.(It was an abusive relationship). I met my ex boyfriend 1 and a half years after that. We broke up and I moved out of the apartment I was sharing with my ex boyfriend 2 months ago. 1 month before moving out, I found out that my younger brother who I am very attached to had an episode of psychosis and I practically broke down. Since then I have been experiencing a feeling of loneliness, isolation and have had panic attacks on and off. I have a highly stressful job and work 4 days a week. I used to breeze through my job but now I struggle on and off depending on my mood that day. I have to do breathing exercises and push the negative thoughts out of my head to keep at my work. Often I feel fear and am sick to the stomach and cry because I can't bear the feeling and I don't understand it. I somehow manage to do all the necessary things throughout the day. I go to the gym at least 4 times a week. I have a total of three friends who are there for me . I have tried going for meet ups to get out of my apartment and make new friends. I haven't made any yet though it's still early days. I went for positive thinking classes and saw a psychologist once a week upto about 2 weeks ago and felt better but in the last week following attending a Meet up where I did not like the people there, I feel I have suffered a relapse. The irrational fear has returned and present most of the day. I have woken up once with a cold sweat and have had mild panic attacks. It's a fear of being alone possibly for ever(I am 39) and I am increasingly homesick and feel I have no family support. My friends are wonderful but it's just not the same as family. I want to be close to my family and be there for my brother. I feel he will always need family support throughout his life. However, I do want to get married again and try to have children while I can. I don't want to take medications seeing how my brother is suffering with the side effects. Moreover, I live alone and would feel better about medication if I lived with someone. Should I go back to my family and leave all that I have achieved in Australia(good job, good friends) or stay in Australia?I am at my wits end. Will I get better? I'm sick of feeling this way.
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