Is it normal to be curious after a suicide attempt?
- 24 Jun 2011 by jillmb
- 8 Jul 2011
- bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, suicide, overdose
On April 28th I attempted suicide. If my husband would have come home 3 minutes later, I wouldn't be alive today. This is how I came to be diagnosed with Bi-polar. I took a drug overdose and was discovered by my husband "twitching" and in respiratory arrest. I spent 2 days on life support and a drug induced coma in ICU, and was not expected to live. If, by some miracle, I pulled through, severe brain damage was expected.
Today, I am curious to meet the doctor who saved my life and the events that took place while in a coma. I am asking anyone's advice as to whether or not this meeting might set me back, as I am a very happily married mother of two boys. I have trouble understanding why I would ever make such a decision, but am more & more curious about the events I am unable to recall while in a coma.
I don't know that it woulld set you back, but I wouldn't spend alot of time in the past actually. You might be able to meet the doctor who attended to you while in the ER and then again you might not. I'm sure there were several people who attended to your needs while in the ER and ICU.
You may never recall the events from when you were in a coma. I would be more concerned with understanding the events that lead upto the suicide attempt than the ones after. You have an illness, just as I do, that needs careful monitoring and understanding. I too have attempted suicide many times. I not only take my medication now but also spent many years in therapy learning how to contend with life on its terms. I do hope you are in therapy.
I encourage you to move on and continue getting the necessary help with your illness.
My take on this is,& having a huusband that has gone thru the identical experience, you need to just let it go. My husband had 8 different specialists working on him, & his physciatrist who was on call, explained to me if he made it, he would not recall most of what happened. I explained most of what I could, but the physc explained the brains shuts down for a reason & it is best left to let those things lie to rest. I believe he is right, & looking to your future is a better place to be. Being diagnosed finally as bipolar as with my husband explains most of why you did what you did. I would suggest you read as much about the disease as you can, & be happy you are now medicated, having a loving family. Then events of which you speak are a horror story for your husband & you are not yet equipped to handle this. The reason your brain doesn't remember it. I wish you the best...
I have had much similar situations, Jill, so I understand how you feel. I OD'd twice (intentionally) in 2009 and I was obsessed with the idea of finding out as much as I could about what happened to me during all the time I had lost, from the last moment I could remember, to the first moment I could remember when I woke up in the ICU each time. There is still a lot of spotty memories around the time in ICU I wish I could see clearly, but I have to accept that I never will. I learned that it was such a traumatizing time for my husband that my hounding him with questions was extremely painful for him. He told me over and over that he really did not want to talk about it, that he still had nightmares about how he found me each time (I will spare you the details as I don't want to "romantacize") , and that he really did not want me to ask him any more questions about that time ever.
I had never thought about meeting the doctors or staff because I am still not particularly happy with them for having helped me. I did ask about obtaining a copy of my chart, but at $2 a page and my chart being over 400 pages long I gave up on that idea. I work in the medical profession so I was fascinated to find out all the numbers... lab tests, vitals, meds administered, etc. but not at that cost. Also I have come to realize that the more I focus on the events surrounding my suicide attempts, the longer it will take me to move on.
So, I understand the obsession. Yours is perhaps a healthier one than my own in that you want to thank your Doctor. Don't forget to thank everyone else too :) Personally, I think your best bet would be to bring this up with your therapist and discuss it with him/her. They are the ones who know you best and your situation best and can help you make the best decision.
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