My son has been out of my house since November 25, 2011 due to a domestic violence situation with my 22 year old daughter. He is moody, disrespectful, and I know he has been smoking pot but I'm afraid he may also be using something else. He is not allowed back in my house and after he was released from jail after the domestic violence incident he got a job and seemed to be doing OK. I am divorced from his father who is an alcoholic and his father is the one who ended up getting him out of jail. He was living with his father until two days before Christmas and his father threw him out of his house and he spent December 23 and December 24th in his car. His father ended up getting him a room at a local motel the afternoon of Christmas Day and he has been there ever since. He is still working but today started displaying his old behaviors by stating it would be easier if he just offed himself. I have been trying to give him advice in regard to getting a place of his own but he is starting to push back and pull at my heartstrings by texting me that he should just kill himself. I can no longer have him living in my home because of the verbal abuse and bullying. And now the physical abuse while my daughter, his sister, was visiting for Thanksgiving. It is breaking my heart to turn my back when he says these things. But I know I must. I believe I need to seek support to help me stay strong. He goes along just fine, all is well and then every 6 to 8 weeks there is some sort of negative drama that creates pure havoc among those around him. He has driven away all his friends due to angry hurtful outbursts and not a single one of his old friends will have anything to do with him. There is the good side of my son, but I always know the evil will come out sooner or later. I get my hopes up that the tide is turning only to be crushed with some sort of negative outburst that has him spitting in my face, telling me he wishes I was dead and that I had died when I was diagnosed with cancer. He has kicked in my car door and damaged many items in my home during these outbursts. One of my problems is that I have always been there to pick up the pieces when he gets in trouble and "fix" things. This is another reason I cannot have him living here because I believe I only enable his bad behavior because my heart gets in the way. The behavior he exhibits is a mirror of the behavior his father would exhibit. I also believe this is why he has these issues, but I now realize I cannot "fix" this and at the same time I do worry about what is going to happen to him. I don't believe I could handle it if anything happened to him. I am at my wits end yet trying to stay strong so that I do not continue enabling this behavior. Is there a support group where I can go to share and know I am not alone?
I need help with my 18 year old son. I have tried the tough love method and holding strong?
- 8 Jan 2012 by ohiomom53
- 11 January 2012
Hello ohiomom53. You might join the group anger. Click on the heading "Find groups" just enter "anger" and it will take you to that particular group. You could also use it to find another group if you so wanted. There are a lot of members on this site that might offer you support. When one person cannot help, another person might beable todo so. Best of wishes to you,pledge
Dear ohiomom,my heart is breaking thinking about the pain and suffering you and your son are experiencing.I have not gone thru this with a child,but a husband.can you baker act him?(s.p.) that would involve having him temporarily committed but a psyc evaluation seems like a good idea.try asking your local police about how to go about this.if you feel I am out of line,I apologize,but you sound pretty desperate and this sounds like a crisis waiting to happen.I'm sorry if this doesn't help but being a parent and knowing something about abuse I could not ignore this.you have to protect yourself and we never give up on our children if we can help it... I am praying for you,big hugs mom,c
Thank you for your responses ... I will definitely look into all suggestions. Also I have heard about the baker act and I am very interested in this possibility. I will contact my local police today. The sleepless nights are taking their toll. All prayers immensely appreciated. God Bless
I believe you son needs anger management therapy, but you can't force him to go. I too have a son that is similar. He too was abusive verbally to his wife so much she left him & took the 3 children. I so feel for you. It could also be depression that he is suffering from. If his Dad is or was an alcoholic you son may have addiction qualities in his personality. Not to give you another reason to worry, but he needs to talk to someone professtionally. That's the best advice I can give you. It sonds like you don't enable him since you made him move out, but are you still seeing him & talking to him? Ask him why he thinks he has these episodes, & mention maybe talking to a therapist & see how he reacts. My son did & it totally helped with his anger issues. I wish you the best... Mary
Hello OhioMom. Welcome to this site and support group. You are not alone anymore and there are plenty people here who can give you comfort and an ear, and support. Yes, you definitely seem like you need some intervention in your household. I believe that, in addition to the anger support group that dear Pledge has recommended, I would also look into the co-dependency support group. The "enabling" that you have done for your son to allow his unacceptable behavior to continue is a co-dependent activity and trait.
Your son's behavior is very volatile with outbursts on a somewhat regular up and down pattern. Your son, by telling you he is going to kill himself, is also using manipulation to tug at your heart strings. Your son most definitely needs some help... proper medication to control his outbursts... but first he must have a proper diagnosis. I am not a psychiatrist and will not even take a stab with a diagnosis except that your son appears to have periods of mania/depression patterns. I would highly suggest getting him in to see someone... I don't know how difficult this may be??? It is hard to know if his comments about "offing" himself are real or are they just manipulation to try to win you over to his side? Nonetheless, when ANYONE makes comments regarding suicide, they should always be taken seriously. Perhaps, when he is making these threats, this would be the optimum time to talk to him about getting help. I don't know how bizarre his behavior patterns become but is it at all possible to "Baker Act" him when he is making these threats?
All I can recommend and comment after reading your question and comment thread is that it appears that the situation with your son has become unmanageable. His situation appears to be disrupting your entire family. I gather from the little that I have read that there are many more other things going on in this families' dynamics that have contributed to this situation. I feel like I am rambling. I guess what I am trying to say is that you all need to get some help. Your son seems to be the catalyst that sets everything off but then it gets very convoluted from there and I am not at all qualified to help you beyond this point. All I can do is make suggestions and tell you that someone here will be able to offer better help than I. We can try to direct you in the right direction.
Good luck my dear. I hope and pray that your son gets the help that he needs and that you get yourself into a good co-dependent/substance abuse(son), and possibly physical abuse support group.
God Bless my dear. I hope my rambling has offered some type of help... pup
Hi Ohiomom - I am sorry that you are having to go through this with your son. I have seen my own mom have these issues with my brother. One BIG difference. She can't seem to understand that she is actually hurting him when she runs to his "rescue" each and every time. So cudos to you for sticking to your guns. I know it is hard. Hey can anyone tell me what the Baker Act (?) is and how it works? I would like to have some options for when my brother next goes off the deep end. I hope that things are going better now Ohiomom.
My prayers are with you. Big hugs. -Terri-
(Texasmom - wish I'd thought of that)
I too have three sons. Two of them are 17 and 21. I experienced allot of what you are going through, but not to the extent you are. My 17 yr old got better, but my 21 yr old still needs to go to anger management desperately. His father wasn't there for him when he was little, and he never got over it, and got into some trouble's I feel your son needs this as well. Unfortunately we cannot make them go. It makes me a nervous wreck wondering what will happen to him if he gets into any kind of trouble because he's on probation right now. It breaks our hearts doesn't it. We brought them into the world and nourished them and raised them up, and it doesn't seem fair that we have to go through this. I also reccomend some kind of therapy for you if you can get some..of any kind. I think Pledge mentioned an anger group. It could help you as well. You could get support from other members. I wil pray for you hon.
I know what it is like to love a child, and not be able to control their behaviors. My son is wonderful and I love him dearly, but he doesn't make the best choices sometimes. I want to wack him in the head or something, and say What are you thinking. Anyway..We are all here for you. You will be in my prayers and best of wishes to you. God bless. Ruth
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