... and I am scared. I mean I am shaking like a leaf and I am not off anything yet. I will try to summarize my long decent into addiction to vicodin, but I have arthritis and endometriosis, stage 4. Both are very, very painful. I started with Tramadol in 2008 and took it pretty responsibly for a long, long time. Prior to being prescribed vicodin, I was taking 100 mg every 3 hours. Then in October of 2010, my MD prescribed me vicodin. I got out of control fast. I did fine until Jan of 2011. My twins sons were diagnosed with autism and are considered very severe. One will probably never talk and both will most likely never live independently. I have never been so devastated or heartbroken. I just started taking the vicodin like candy. I had do be numb or else I wanted to die. Now I am in deep and I am terrified. I take 20 to 30 10mg vicodins a day. I went to an addiction specialist to get suboxone and taper off at home. She was all ready to write me the prescription and giving me instructions on how to take them and then she suddenly changed her mind. She said I do not have enough support at home, my husband and I barely speak. The autism tore us apart. It destroyed us emotionally and is financially devastating as insurance will not cover treatment. My husband has checked out totally. He is gone most of the time. Sometimes for days. I don't even know where he is. Going to rehab is not an option because I have no one to watch 2 profoundly autistic toddlers who are non-verbal, self abusive, melt down for hours, bite, kick, have constant diarrhea and are usually up fro 1 am - 4 am. This is very typical for autism, the lack of sleeping. I want off this medication more than anything. I am an intelligent person and have always lived my life straight as an arrow. I can't believe I am deep in this addiction with no way out. I looked into some rehabs, but we could never afford our portion after the insurance. And MY HUSBAND CANNOT KNOW! We are probably headed for divorce and he will use this to get the children. I know you are probably thinking, well you are a drug addict and he should get the kids, but believe me, he does not engage with them at all. He has not and cannot connect with them. They are my life. I have spent my entire retirement to get them speech therapy, occupational therapy, and behavior therapy. Again, our insurance does not cover any treatment for autism, only 27 states do. I have attended every therapy session and have learned how to engage with my sons and help them grow. He does not even know what the definition of autism is.
How am I going to get off these pills. I am afraid cold turkey will kill me. I can't go to rehab (and even if one would accept me, I have NO ONE to take my sons). I am terrified. I don't know what to do. Should I just go cold turkey? Can I care for my sons while withdrawing? I am scared. I am scared. I am scared