Yes the same person who wrote a few days ago about self-discipline. Who tried to inspire others to be strong.
Jilly that post by Junkie just had me re-reading everything. I have been on the web all day. Looking up and reading about suboxone detox. I am trying to decide if I am ready to taper or not. I suppose I am thinking; if I do not I am prolonging the inevitable or I am still a drug addict, or at least too dependant. But, the truth is I have no desire to increase my dose or to even think about taking a pain pill. I am just scared of the withdrawals once again. Missing work, being sick, wanting to die. Probably feeling sorry for myself that I can be inspirational and come off so positive, like at work when someone needs a criticism sandwich, yet deep down inside, I am full of self doubt when it comes to those withdrawals. I told the Dr two months ago and I would be ready to start a withdrawal program ( taper) I do not feel ready. I feel fine on the 2 mgs per day. The one day when I was out until I saw the DR I felt the withdrawals starting already. And I was a nervous wreck. I did not think 2mgs would be that much to get off but I am not so sure. We are all different. But, it is the same for us all, we do need that will power, that discipline I so bravely mentioned and now seem to be missing. I also think today is a good example that not all days will be easy. Today is one of those days for me. It does not mean the end is near or I will give up. It means I am having a tough time and we all too have those days. We, me, are all human. It is what makes us special. So I am not ready, it does not mean I am failing. Look at my progress. Another month at 2mgs per day will not make it worse when I start tapering just improve my chances for when I do. It is what I am telling myself. This is a tremendous change from taking 200 mgs per day of Oxycotin. I must become the change that I write about if I wish to be that person.
I guess where I am now is that I feel down because I lost my enthusiasm to go to my Dr tomorrow and tell him, " I am ready to taper"!
I tell people all the time; "Every memorable act in the world is a triumph of enthusiasm. To go on a taper plan and get off these subs would be to me, a memorable act. Most importantly it will give me the credibility to help others when they embark ( as Pup started one post) on their journey. Nothing great was ever achieved without it because it gives any challenge, no matter how frightening or difficult, a new meaning. "Without enthusiasm you are doomed to a life of mediocrity but with it you can accomplish miracles." I need it back!
I am just trying to get my mojo back, to get that discipline to start the taper program!
I know this, I will make it, I just need to get enthusiastic about starting. Knowing you are soon to be sick sort of puts a damper on my meeting with the Dr.
It is tomorrow, I will tell you what I decide. Wishing all of you a wonderful stress free day!
Most sincerely