I am not comfortable talking to my doctor or family members b/c of the shame and embarrassment I feel over my current situation so decided a post here to get advice from 'strangers' might help. I am 29 years old and a mother of 3 wonderful children. I have a good relationship although we have struggled financially with the recent problems in the economy. My husband takes regular maintenance meds for chronic pain (oxycontin and muscle relaxers) due to severe arthritis pain and a shoulder injury causing bone spurs that he will be having surgery on in the spring. I myself have struggled with depression (severe at times) for the past 10 years or so... although it has been much more difficult to manage in the last 4 years. I have tried several different antidepressants but so far none have worked for me for various reasons. I am currently seeing a counselor once a week which is helping.
The most recent antidepressant I tried was Zoloft... I was very hopeful that it would work for me as I not only have depression but at times severe anxiety as well. Unfortunately it did not work because it made me extremely sick to take it (dizzy, very nauseous, generally 'out of it' and very very sleepy). I took it for 8 days hoping that the side effects would lessen but they never did, they actually seemed to get worse. Like I said I have 3 children and 2 very young ones, I am a stay at home mom and realistically couldn't be taking a med that literally 'put me out' for several hours during the day when I need to be caring for my children. Now that you I have the background, I will get to the point of this post.
In the last month I have started to occasionally take some of my husbands oxycontin. The first time, it was because of a migraine headache I was having but I noticed that it 'uplifted' my mood and helped me not feel so sad, so lethargic. So I have taken it now on occasion just to have a day where I don't feel like a sad ball of frustration, anger and anxiousness. It's just that I really need to feel like a normal whole human being again. It is beyond demoralizing to wake up everyday just wishing I would have died in my sleep or something... just not wanting to face the day. (Just to be clear I have never had suicidal thoughts or have never attempted to hurt myself though)
I believe that what I am doing is very wrong. Those meds are for my husband and I believe that it is wrong to share meds with people. I also believe that it is wrong for me to take them to change my moods. I also have done some research on them at this point and learned that they are highly addictive and I am afraid that I am going down a rabbit hole that will only end in disaster. I don't know what I am doing, but every night I tell myself... I'm never taking another one of his pills just to help me 'feel better' or 'be motivated' to get the things done I need to on a daily basis. I do okay for a few days, but then I have one of those days where I feel like I am walking in a dream so sad, lonely and out of sorts that my willpower fades and I pop another pill.
I don't know what advice I am expecting to get here, but anything would be better than what I have now which is nothing... I have just been carrying all this guilt for this past month over it and not feeling like i can tell anyone because I am just so ashamed. Thank you for listening.