I did give up. A month ago I took 70 klonopin, 20 ambien, two glasses of wine and woke up 4 hours?

In the mist of all of this darkness i still looked at my son and found peace and then days after purchasing my first car (even though it was an old beat up used one), an 18wheeler hit us on the highway causing us to get thrown off the bridge unto the feeder road. My son was still in his car seat but not in the car. He was thrown out of the car. It wasnt until we were brought into the ambulance and i didnt have my son for two days not knowing if he was dead or alive, when i knew that i wanted to live. i saw the afterlife for a brief moment and i know what happens if you take your own life. I dont know where you are with your spiritual life but HE IS ALIVE AND HE LOVES YOU. Heaven is just a step away but he wanted you to endure life to receive the afterlife, but you can not do this with taking your own life. ONLY he has the ability to do this. thats why it hasnt been successful yet!!! BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU and his mercy and grace is so abundantly vivid that YOU CAN go through this!!! LOOK AT WHAT THEY DID TO JESUS. they crucified him for loving YOU/US. PLEASE think about every thing i just sent you and i PROMISE that if you just TRY HIM, just try him for me please and i know that everything is going to be ok. People like you and i will receive so much blessings because of what we have endured AND STILL SURVIVING. rejoyce and live. even if it means to live through pain, the gift if no more suffering FOR ETERNITY. dont throw that away because if JESUS did it, i KNOW YOU AND I CAN. i love you like a sister through CHRIST and you are in my prayers for ever. big hugs

I was taken off of the subutex that I am again taking cold turkey in October of last year. I was on 3-4 mgs. per day. I was in the hospital for 11 days and came home and on the fifth day I found some old suboxone and took 2 mgs. I feel like I have a depression like you have. Maybe it is called refractory depression where antidepressants do not work. I feel like I'm never going to feel normal again. I too want to feel life and feel like everyday is the same. I have no interests and just feel useless, worthless. Maybe like a lot of the people said here someday we will feel better and be able to help others. I am so proud of you for staying off the pain meds since November! I have read that there are certain cases where post acute withdrawal syndrome can last for up to 2 years but that is very unlikely. If you want I can find the site where I read it from. He says that it usually lasts about no more than 6 months. I think the site he started is subssux but I'll have to go back and look for it. I am looking for answers instead of trying. I think I kind of gave up after the torture I went through in the hospital and when I got home. I was still sick because I found suboxone and the naloxone in there or maybe because it was expired made me feel ill but I felt even worse if I didn't take it. I finally found a doctor who put me on subutex (generic). I am going to try what Pattishan and Laurieshay told me to do. I will cut half a pill away until I get to 1/2 mg and then go every other day. I have to do this because I do not want to live like this anymore. I also took half of a lexapro (10 mgs.) a couple of hours ago and usually I take a nap around this time but I do not feel tired. I'm just hoping I can fall asleep tonight. I want to start excersicing again too. I did try it when I came home from the hospital but I didn't stay with it. I am angry with the doctor who put me on this but what is the point? What's done is done so I'm going to get better and try to be the best that I can be and maybe this whole thing will make me stronger. I'd like to know what you mean by vegetive depression. The reason why I did not try to kill myself is because I couldn't do that to my daughter's and mother. We just lost my father a little over a year ago and I believe I have post traumatic stress syndrome as well as my mother does. We tried for 6 months to do everything to get him better and to watch such a strong, loving man go through what he did with such dignity was unbelievable. It reminds me of the letter that caring sent out about Mary and her Husband. These people are just so strong. I wish I could be more like them. I am in good health all except for this subutex addiction. I thought I was strong until I had to experience the withdrawals. I pray to GOD all the time to help me through this and that I will live my life to the fullest. Right now I pretty much do nothing, just the things that I need to do. I hope this helps in some way. I would love to hear back from you. It does seem like we have a lot in common and I do believe you are alive for a reason. I'm so glad you are alive. Maybe we can help each other? Hope to hear from you soon. Laura (hugs)