... later. I was in shock to be alive. So then I took 80 Ritalin, 20 Remeron and 30 trazodone.
I never fell asleep. I lied in bed for 20 hours waiting to die. Apparently they totally counteracted the depressants.
I had my husband take me to the hospital because I didn't have any of my pills left. And that would have been worse than dying.
I spent 3 days on the medical floor and 15 in the psych unit. It was just for punishment, they prescribed all my pills again!!!
I have vegetative depression. And also suffer from PAWS, post acute withdrawal syndrome which can last 2 years. I went off pain medicines last November.
I want to be able to have a life, but I am way to down to live one.
Traditional methods don't help. I dread everything. I should have died, now I really feel I don't belong here.
Anyone have this darkest depression?
I did give up. A month ago I took 70 Klonopin, 20 Ambien, two glasses of wine and woke up 4 hours...
- Asked
- 15 Jul 2011 by youneverknow
- Updated
- 11 December 2018 (5 weeks ago)
- Topics
- depression
Responses (10)
Hey youneverknow,
I have been in the depths of depression with numerous suicide attempts. I can honestly say it can get better with the appropriate medications and therapy. I no longer feel the need to end it. You too can have your life back. But it is going to take effort which is difficult when you feel so crappy.
I want to encourage you to hang in there. Go to therapy regularly and take your medicine as prescribed. If need be have your husband keep your pills and give them to you as prescribed. I know it sounds stupid, but you have to do what it takes to get better.
We are here for you and I am willing to listen anytime. Please keep posting,
Laurie
Listen to me, i know what you are going through. I too have seen the dark side to where i didn't want to live. i was homeless before.kicked out by my mom years ago when i got pregnant and i hide my pregnancy from everyone and when i ran away, NOONE wanted me. There i was in the hospital 15years old, and just had a baby. I didnt know how to take care of a child but let me tell you what happened. I was picked up by a man who told me he was going to take me in, only to sexual assault me in front my newborn son. I felt WORSE than what i was feeling before. i couldnt feed him or myself. i was begging for people to help me. Then at 16 i got a job and bought a car and was STILL feeling empty , especially with postpartum depression.
Hi friendly,
Me again,thank you for sharing your story,it really made me step back and think,you are completely right in what you said,there is a reason for all of us been put on this earth,why we do what we do and why certain things happen to us,and why we get through what we do,i know unfortunately not all of us gets through the darkness of depression-its such a very big hole to find ones self in,but i hope this person listens to what you have said,it is very inspiring(sp?)
I just want to tell you PAWS does NOT last forever, it gets better and better!
I've been through a year and a half of PAWS and there is light at the end of the tunnel !!
Just don't give up, because you will not believe the difference time makes!!
Best wishes,
Dear Youneverknow,
I was taken off of the subutex that I am again taking cold turkey in October of last year. I was on 3-4 mgs. per day. I was in the hospital for 11 days and came home and on the fifth day I found some old suboxone and took 2 mgs. I feel like I have a depression like you have. Maybe it is called refractory depression where antidepressants do not work. I feel like I'm never going to feel normal again. I too want to feel life and feel like everyday is the same. I have no interests and just feel useless, worthless. Maybe like a lot of the people said here someday we will feel better and be able to help others. I am so proud of you for staying off the pain meds since November! I have read that there are certain cases where post acute withdrawal syndrome can last for up to 2 years but that is very unlikely. If you want I can find the site where I read it from.
Please listen to the people on here, each and everyone mean what they say. We all care and we have all had that bad time and need a friend sometimes, sounds like you have alot of friends who want to help. I believe you were left here for a reason, and I believe it was for a good reason.I think you will be able to help someone who needs you! We are all here for you. God Bless you.
I live with it every single day. Every minute my mind screaming to die. I can do basic functions but it never leaves me. The screaming in the back of my mind. I have tried every drug to ECT, therapist after therapist, prayer, CBT, DBT, exercise, holistic methods, meditation... I pray one day we will no longer suffer. Keep fighting..
I know your pain, I tried to drown my depression with alcohol and prescription benzos like Xanax and Klonopin. I tried as hard as I could to fight through it and nothing helped. I felt like I was at my wits end. I was ready to go. But the support system I found have been so helpful for me. I’m still struggling but it is an uphill battle. It takes time and please if you need help I would be glad to talk and just vent about what’s going on. I’m not perfect I’m still struggling but maybe what’s helped me can help you too. Just remember there are people who care about you and love you deeply. You just have to find the right support system who understand and won’t belittle you because of your mental struggles. I’ve been in the same boat as you so anything I can do to help you through this please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Yes and am in the midst of breaking down at this very moment. I have absolutely no purpose in life... no children - just a miscarriage. The love of my life passed away from cancer 5 years ago on November 8th at 45. He was the only person I had to talk to that actually listened and seemed to care. I lost my Mother a year and a half before my boyfriend. She was the one that I really lived for. The rest of my family doesn't understand me or the depth of my depression that has been life long (49 years). Really, I think they just don't care. They are too caught up in their lives.
I was hoping to find out if I could just take enough klonopin to just fall asleep and not wake up. I just can't live feeling like I do anymore alone. Guess taking a load of klonopin doesn't sound like an option from what happened to you. That is terrible what you went through!
I'm going through a very very similar situation like you described tbrunick. It's the darkest when there isn't someone around with that unconditional love anymore. I kind of feel erased. I'm hoping the light slowly brightens somehow. Came here also cause I'm not sure how much longer I'll stick around to see.
I to live with major depressive order. Meds my doctor just put me on that is new is trintellix. It seems to be helping me a lot. Maybe talk to your therapist about it. I to tried to take my life a month ago. My life was falling apart. No one to help me. Felt all alone. I'm so glad it did not work. Because I found out how badly my kids would of felt. Please hang in there. In still having problems in life I just put one foot in front of the other and fight to get happiness in my life. So get up and fight . we both have faced death and here to talk about it. God wants us here.
I am like you too so you are not alone. I want to end it everyday of my life. My husband is very sick and that is the ONLY THING that keeps me here.
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You never know why these things happen but give some thought to this perhaps someone is out there that needs strength mentally/physically this may sound silly to you but you have been there and back you know what it feels like to not want to wake up so you know there just could be an important reason that you didn't die! You may be a special person and you may be the only one that can get through so please keep on hanging on. We do not want you to die you need to figh harder than you ever have!
I appreciate your quick response. I can't get pass the crappy feeling to do anything. I push myself to do the minimal. I have complete loss of interest. I guess I will just keep aimlessly going through life. All I hear from people is that I don't want to get better. I would sell my soul to the devil to be normal.
Hey youneverknow,
While it doesn't seem like it right now, you can get better, honest. Are you in therapy? Are taking your medicine? I'm going to friend you, so if you friend me, we can talk in private message if you ever want to.
Laurie
Laurie,
I'm not going to go into great detail about my own experiences, since all of us who have experienced suicidal depression have similar stories, but I've definitely been there on numerous occasions.
That phase of my life is thankfully over and has been for a few years but I still remember it like it all happened yesterday.
I'll be more than happy to talk any time you feel the need.
Colin Zimmermann
Sullivan, MO
Good ole Sullivan MO!! I used to live in Lake St Louis MO. My family used to go have picnics and river tubing there in Sullivan at Meramec (sp?) State Park. Nice little town!