... later. I was in shock to be alive. So then I took 80 Ritalin, 20 Remeron and 30 trazodone.
I never fell asleep. I lied in bed for 20 hours waiting to die. Apparently they totally counteracted the depressants.
I had my husband take me to the hospital because I didn't have any of my pills left. And that would have been worse than dying.
I spent 3 days on the medical floor and 15 in the psych unit. It was just for punishment, they prescribed all my pills again!!!
I have vegetative depression. And also suffer from PAWS, post acute withdrawal syndrome which can last 2 years. I went off pain medicines last November.
I want to be able to have a life, but I am way to down to live one.
Traditional methods don't help. I dread everything. I should have died, now I really feel I don't belong here.
Anyone have this darkest depression?
I did give up. A month ago I took 70 Klonopin, 20 Ambien, two glasses of wine and woke up 4 hours...
- Asked
- 15 Jul 2011 by youneverknow
- Updated
- 8 August 2020
- Topics
- depression
18 Answers
Hey youneverknow,
I have been in the depths of depression with numerous suicide attempts. I can honestly say it can get better with the appropriate medications and therapy. I no longer feel the need to end it. You too can have your life back. But it is going to take effort which is difficult when you feel so crappy.
I want to encourage you to hang in there. Go to therapy regularly and take your medicine as prescribed. If need be have your husband keep your pills and give them to you as prescribed. I know it sounds stupid, but you have to do what it takes to get better.
We are here for you and I am willing to listen anytime. Please keep posting,
Laurie
You never know why these things happen but give some thought to this perhaps someone is out there that needs strength mentally/physically this may sound silly to you but you have been there and back you know what it feels like to not want to wake up so you know there just could be an important reason that you didn't die! You may be a special person and you may be the only one that can get through so please keep on hanging on. We do not want you to die you need to figh harder than you ever have!
I appreciate your quick response. I can't get pass the crappy feeling to do anything. I push myself to do the minimal. I have complete loss of interest. I guess I will just keep aimlessly going through life. All I hear from people is that I don't want to get better. I would sell my soul to the devil to be normal.
Hey youneverknow,
While it doesn't seem like it right now, you can get better, honest. Are you in therapy? Are taking your medicine? I'm going to friend you, so if you friend me, we can talk in private message if you ever want to.
Laurie
Laurie,
I'm not going to go into great detail about my own experiences, since all of us who have experienced suicidal depression have similar stories, but I've definitely been there on numerous occasions.
That phase of my life is thankfully over and has been for a few years but I still remember it like it all happened yesterday.
I'll be more than happy to talk any time you feel the need.
Colin Zimmermann
Sullivan, MO
Good ole Sullivan MO!! I used to live in Lake St Louis MO. My family used to go have picnics and river tubing there in Sullivan at Meramec (sp?) State Park. Nice little town!
Listen to me, i know what you are going through. I too have seen the dark side to where i didn't want to live. i was homeless before.kicked out by my mom years ago when i got pregnant and i hide my pregnancy from everyone and when i ran away, NOONE wanted me. There i was in the hospital 15years old, and just had a baby. I didnt know how to take care of a child but let me tell you what happened. I was picked up by a man who told me he was going to take me in, only to sexual assault me in front my newborn son. I felt WORSE than what i was feeling before. i couldnt feed him or myself. i was begging for people to help me. Then at 16 i got a job and bought a car and was STILL feeling empty , especially with postpartum depression.
In the mist of all of this darkness i still looked at my son and found peace and then days after purchasing my first car (even though it was an old beat up used one), an 18wheeler hit us on the highway causing us to get thrown off the bridge unto the feeder road. My son was still in his car seat but not in the car. He was thrown out of the car. It wasnt until we were brought into the ambulance and i didnt have my son for two days not knowing if he was dead or alive, when i knew that i wanted to live. i saw the afterlife for a brief moment and i know what happens if you take your own life. I dont know where you are with your spiritual life but HE IS ALIVE AND HE LOVES YOU. Heaven is just a step away but he wanted you to endure life to receive the afterlife, but you can not do this with taking your own life. ONLY he has the ability to do this. thats why it hasnt been successful yet!!! BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU and his mercy and grace is so abundantly vivid that YOU CAN go through this!!! LOOK AT WHAT THEY DID TO JESUS. they crucified him for loving YOU/US. PLEASE think about every thing i just sent you and i PROMISE that if you just TRY HIM, just try him for me please and i know that everything is going to be ok. People like you and i will receive so much blessings because of what we have endured AND STILL SURVIVING. rejoyce and live. even if it means to live through pain, the gift if no more suffering FOR ETERNITY. dont throw that away because if JESUS did it, i KNOW YOU AND I CAN. i love you like a sister through CHRIST and you are in my prayers for ever. big hugs
Hi friendly,
Me again,thank you for sharing your story,it really made me step back and think,you are completely right in what you said,there is a reason for all of us been put on this earth,why we do what we do and why certain things happen to us,and why we get through what we do,i know unfortunately not all of us gets through the darkness of depression-its such a very big hole to find ones self in,but i hope this person listens to what you have said,it is very inspiring(sp?)
I just want to tell you PAWS does NOT last forever, it gets better and better!
I've been through a year and a half of PAWS and there is light at the end of the tunnel !!
Just don't give up, because you will not believe the difference time makes!!
Best wishes,
Dear Youneverknow,
I was taken off of the subutex that I am again taking cold turkey in October of last year. I was on 3-4 mgs. per day. I was in the hospital for 11 days and came home and on the fifth day I found some old suboxone and took 2 mgs. I feel like I have a depression like you have. Maybe it is called refractory depression where antidepressants do not work. I feel like I'm never going to feel normal again. I too want to feel life and feel like everyday is the same. I have no interests and just feel useless, worthless. Maybe like a lot of the people said here someday we will feel better and be able to help others. I am so proud of you for staying off the pain meds since November! I have read that there are certain cases where post acute withdrawal syndrome can last for up to 2 years but that is very unlikely. If you want I can find the site where I read it from. He says that it usually lasts about no more than 6 months.
I think the site he started is subssux but I'll have to go back and look for it. I am looking for answers instead of trying. I think I kind of gave up after the torture I went through in the hospital and when I got home. I was still sick because I found suboxone and the naloxone in there or maybe because it was expired made me feel ill but I felt even worse if I didn't take it. I finally found a doctor who put me on subutex (generic). I am going to try what Pattishan and Laurieshay told me to do. I will cut half a pill away until I get to 1/2 mg and then go every other day. I have to do this because I do not want to live like this anymore. I also took half of a lexapro (10 mgs.) a couple of hours ago and usually I take a nap around this time but I do not feel tired. I'm just hoping I can fall asleep tonight. I want to start excersicing again too. I did try it when I came home from the hospital but I didn't stay with it. I am angry with the doctor who put me on this but what is the point? What's done is done so I'm going to get better and try to be the best that I can be and maybe this whole thing will make me stronger. I'd like to know what you mean by vegetive depression. The reason why I did not try to kill myself is because I couldn't do that to my daughter's and mother. We just lost my father a little over a year ago and I believe I have post traumatic stress syndrome as well as my mother does. We tried for 6 months to do everything to get him better and to watch such a strong, loving man go through what he did with such dignity was unbelievable. It reminds me of the letter that caring sent out about Mary and her Husband. These people are just so strong. I wish I could be more like them. I am in good health all except for this subutex addiction. I thought I was strong until I had to experience the withdrawals. I pray to GOD all the time to help me through this and that I will live my life to the fullest. Right now I pretty much do nothing, just the things that I need to do. I hope this helps in some way. I would love to hear back from you. It does seem like we have a lot in common and I do believe you are alive for a reason. I'm so glad you are alive. Maybe we can help each other? Hope to hear from you soon. Laura (hugs)
Please listen to the people on here, each and everyone mean what they say. We all care and we have all had that bad time and need a friend sometimes, sounds like you have alot of friends who want to help. I believe you were left here for a reason, and I believe it was for a good reason.I think you will be able to help someone who needs you! We are all here for you. God Bless you.
I live with it every single day. Every minute my mind screaming to die. I can do basic functions but it never leaves me. The screaming in the back of my mind. I have tried every drug to ECT, therapist after therapist, prayer, CBT, DBT, exercise, holistic methods, meditation... I pray one day we will no longer suffer. Keep fighting..
I know your pain, I tried to drown my depression with alcohol and prescription benzos like Xanax and Klonopin. I tried as hard as I could to fight through it and nothing helped. I felt like I was at my wits end. I was ready to go. But the support system I found have been so helpful for me. I’m still struggling but it is an uphill battle. It takes time and please if you need help I would be glad to talk and just vent about what’s going on. I’m not perfect I’m still struggling but maybe what’s helped me can help you too. Just remember there are people who care about you and love you deeply. You just have to find the right support system who understand and won’t belittle you because of your mental struggles. I’ve been in the same boat as you so anything I can do to help you through this please don’t hesitate to contact me.
I will do the best I can and support you through your struggle just like I’m still going through mine. We are all here for you whether you know us or not. The struggle is real and if we can help each other as a community it could greatly change our lives and how people understand what we go though. Just never give up. Keep fighting and it takes time but you can get that life you so strongly desire. You just have to keep pushing for it and work at it and it will come.
Yes and am in the midst of breaking down at this very moment. I have absolutely no purpose in life... no children - just a miscarriage. The love of my life passed away from cancer 5 years ago on November 8th at 45. He was the only person I had to talk to that actually listened and seemed to care. I lost my Mother a year and a half before my boyfriend. She was the one that I really lived for. The rest of my family doesn't understand me or the depth of my depression that has been life long (49 years). Really, I think they just don't care. They are too caught up in their lives.
I was hoping to find out if I could just take enough klonopin to just fall asleep and not wake up. I just can't live feeling like I do anymore alone. Guess taking a load of klonopin doesn't sound like an option from what happened to you. That is terrible what you went through!
Sorry for my rambling on about myself. And i'm Very Sorry for whatever you are going through that took you to that point. i truly hope and pray that things get better for you. And thank you for your post.
I'm going through a very very similar situation like you described tbrunick. It's the darkest when there isn't someone around with that unconditional love anymore. I kind of feel erased. I'm hoping the light slowly brightens somehow. Came here also cause I'm not sure how much longer I'll stick around to see.
I to live with major depressive order. Meds my doctor just put me on that is new is trintellix. It seems to be helping me a lot. Maybe talk to your therapist about it. I to tried to take my life a month ago. My life was falling apart. No one to help me. Felt all alone. I'm so glad it did not work. Because I found out how badly my kids would of felt. Please hang in there. In still having problems in life I just put one foot in front of the other and fight to get happiness in my life. So get up and fight . we both have faced death and here to talk about it. God wants us here.
I am like you too so you are not alone. I want to end it everyday of my life. My husband is very sick and that is the ONLY THING that keeps me here.
I'm literally siting here wondering if it worth living anymore. I can't seem to get my son and daughter out of my head. I guess in someway this might be me reaching out...
Yes, I have and still am experiencing this very kind of dark depression you have spoken of...
I was looking also at how many pills to take to just not wake up. I have felt the way others have responded. On the positive side, hopeful and feeling like there is a reason to open my eyes and breathe. But I guess I have changed meds and the numbness went away. I keep thinking why didn't I just pull that damn trigger when I had the chance?? I am living a life I am not happy with and at this point being older, my thoughts of getting married and having a family with someone is toast. Long gone. Other than that, what is there. Living with not only my choices but now living with other people’s crappy choices that I have agreed to to let into my life. Such bull crap. Seriously. No. Point.
I honestly and truly believe you are still here for a reason. There is something that you are meant to do. Perhaps it's to help others when you are ready. I can attest, it CAN get better with some work and support. Find a reason, anything, (flowers in the summer, the smell of fresh air, a loved one, anything ) to help you realize what an amazing thing life can actually be. Even when at the hardest times, there is such beauty in life. I personally HAD TO find a reason. Pls realize that we were all born with the Devine in us. You were, and it's still in you! Pls reach out. Love, light and blessings to your sucess.
Yes I know exactly how you feel every second of every minute of every day
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