I had thought this sweet hippie chickie was doing okay (for me), ah, but alas, I can feel myself sliding down that freaking slimey, nasty slope to hell on earth. My pain issues are under control, as of today, finally found a sensitive, caring pain doc. She gave me Fentanyl 50's, took all of the oxycodones away from me because, if nothing else, I find them so psychologically addicting that I want to take them all the time, even when I'm not in pain (Believe me, that was hard to admit to me, even harder to admit to you, my friends). I can't sleep, but to try to sleep, I was taking every kind of pill in my mini-pharmacy, 4 mgs Klonopin, 700 mgs of Soma, 2 mgs of Xanax and washing all that stuff down with two tea size glases of white zinfandel. Can we say over, self medicate up the wazoo? No freaking wonder I had a drug hangover when I saw the pain doc. She's making me see a shrink, told her I'd already made an appointment for this month sometime, that I knew I was getting sicker by the minute. For the life of me, I can't figure out what set me off to this extreme (tlc might know). NO I'M NOT TRYING TO COMMIT SUICIDE, but I am in excruciating pain. I actually considered getting the 38 snub nose revolver out of hiding and shooting myself in the femoral artery so I could watch myself bleed out, but I can't leave my kids orphans since their dad already died, my sweet man wouldn't appreciate it either. That thought left my mind.
The meds that had been working so effectively, no longer seem to be doing their job, and I now find myself taking care of my 78 year old mother who I thinks' only reason for living is to drive me nutso.
My brothers are no where around, so it's all left to me.
Mother got a dog yesterday, supposedly for her, but guess who's up with the darn dog. At least he likes to watch TV in her chair (be thankful for small favors). Guess my karma has flopped around 180 degrees.
All I want is ECT, it's the only thing that works, have tried all other meds.
Wish me well as I walk down this twist in the road of my life journey.
Peace,
Hippie Chickie