... help. I am 48 years old and for the last 6 years have played with the opiates purely recreationally. I started with tat heroin. smoking it on a semi-regualr basis. I liked it but only smoked. Never ived it and never really wanted to. I have always been a good person with many friends and found myself feeling deep shame about my secret life. I maintained relatinships,worked hard, never cheated anyone or broke the law. I was having fun and not hurting anyone but myself. At a certain point i decided i wanted to stop. I had a friend who gave me suboxone and it worked great. I soon found a dr. and was put on the suboxone at a medium dose which was still too much as i was only doing about 1/4 gram of inhaled heroin a day at most. I leveled myself out at 1- 2 mils. for about 2 months. The dr. wanted to keep me on the subs but i felt like i should get off. I got an amazing job offer in another city and decided to jump off the subs at 1-2 mils i had been on for a few months. A friend flushed them dowm the toilet and i settled in for my detox. I felt ok for a couple days and then it hit me. I was pretty screwd up for about 8-10 days. the standard stuff. no sleep. depression, axienty, sadness. My friend would come by and check on me but i went through it alone for the mist part. I hated where i was and how i got there. I had the respect of my friends and family and was someone people could count on. I felt terrible that i was a drug addict and was going through this suffering. I came through the sub detox ok and started to feel better and have a good out look on the future. I promised myself i would never get into that situation again. Well. as i felt better i slowly started dabbling again. tar, oxy, vikes anything opiate. here and there. I did a couple more mini-kicks over the next year. I did the thomas recipe and also went on anti-depressents that a friend got for me. [i know dumb idea, but they helped and i since stopped taking them.] Every time i stopped after a while i felt confident that i could do a little something and be ok. Well i find myself in a stupid cycle of pills, no pills, a dab of tar, pills no pills etc. over the last year i have fell back into this cycle. In the new town i live i met someone who turned me on to 10 mil metadone pills. i would take 1 and feel great for a day or 2. I have now found myself doing 1 10 mil pill a day for about 3-4 months. Like an idiot i did not do much research before swallowing my little pill basically everyday for the last few months. I AM FED UP WITH THIS CRAP. Now. Here is my question. Will i go through rough wd having been taking 10 mil a day for 3 months. I just started taking 5 mil the last couple days thinking i can do a quik taper as my dose has been low. I am terrified after reading the horror stories about meth withdrawel. i have 10 10 mil pills and do not want to get more. I am hoping i can taper with these remaining pills and be done with it. I am also considering getting some pills[oxy,vike ect] and switching to those and tapering off of those instead of methadone. Keep in mind when i was taking opiates. the most i would do was 20-30 oxy at most a day or every other day. If i smoked tar it was a 1/2 gram over a 4 day period tops. So i was never on heavy amounts just steady small amounts. I think i have really screwd up taking methadone for the last 3 months. Is it going to be easier because of the duration and amont of use. I have another fantastic job starting in 20 days ans i really need to be in top form. I am scared and am willing to go through a bit of hell but can't be all screwed up while working this job. It will be a 7 week commitment and i cannot be in a detox haze. Should i just stop and go cold turkey? switch to another opiate and then taper? I would go to re-hab if i had insurance but the job starts soon and my friends and family would totally freak out. They would never believe i have had a drug problem for the last several years. I am afraid what effect it will have on the people who know me and trust me. I am sure most will be supportive and understand but others will shun me and cut me out of their lives. I cannot let that happen. Please advice if someone can relate. I am not a stone cold junkie. I am dependent and have a problem. I know junkies. I just do't fit in that category. I feel sorry for some of those people because they seem so hopeless. I have hope and want to stop. HELP PLEASE