I'm bipolar to the extreme. I'm agoraphobic to the extreme. I have ptsd. I'm afraid I'm losing it. I KNOW I am. I've been visiting my son for almost 8 mos. and will be leaving the 11th. I will not be with anyone else except my daughter and son, reason being, I'm so afraid of people and they don't seem to make any sense. I've humiliated everyone here and refused their offers for social events. Their all angry with me. Even my daughter and son. I've hurt everyone that I know on my kids side of the family. My kids are embarrassed because they wanted to be proud of their mother. However, instead they are disappointed in me. This is breaking my heart. I humiliated my ex in front of his family and friends by yelling at him. I don't want to see the future, but I have a pretty good idea what's ahead.
8 Aug 2012
You only believe you "have a pretty good idea what's ahead" because you believe your imagination, which is colored by your preferences. You can choose to believe you know what's coming (because deep down you are creating it so it comes out as you imagined) or, you can accept you have absolutely no idea about the future by forgetting the past and welcoming the thousands of joyous moments that lie ahead.
Imagine your life if you could no longer give a testimony like the one above! You could say it would be boring, you could say it could be anxious, and you could say it could be wonderful, and then make it that way, the same way you make it what you believe it to be now.
Deep stuff. It's all in your hands. Hope this helps.
8 Aug 2012
I know how you feel, and have been there myself, many many times. I have suffered from bipolar/major depression and PTSD for years and years. I, too have thought I was losing it at times. I had an extremely rough time going to my son's graduation. I almost didn't go right before the event. But I got over it real quick, because I knew I had to do it. It has been very embarrasing at times. We have mental problems, and can't help it, and noone can possibly understand that unless they have walked a mile in our shoes. It's unexplainable. Please don't think there is no hope... because there is. It may not seem like it, but there was for me. I had to just find the right medications to make me feel better. And you do too. This too shall pass. We all have our issues, and it isn't easy. Just hang in there, and remember you have to be strong for your family. They need you more than you think. I promise. Take care, and if you need to talk... I'm always here. Ruthie
8 Aug 2012
Pickles, your family may be temporarily hurt by your actions, but not having you at all is a pain that will be with them forever. I too have horrible anxiety and ptsd. I'm also bipolar but mainly depressed. I have been at my wits end and desperate too. You have to hang in there. I'm sure your family loves and needs you even though it may not feel like it right now. But, this too shall pass. There will be brighter days!! Love and prayers, Key.
8 Aug 2012
Hello pickles. I'm not embarrassed to know you. You have your issues, problems and you know what? Thats ok. Life can be a you know what. You've a gift and I think you don't see it. Its humor. Often very dry. Since I've known you have always been able to bring me a smile or give me a chuckle. I am being straight with you--- Doctor "You'll live to be 60!" Patient "I am 60!" Doctor "See!. What did I tell you?"--- My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea--- The doctor gave a man 6 months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another 6 months--- :-0) bye bye now, pledge
8 Aug 2012
Hi, i understand where you are coming from. And i know what it is like to have done things you regret and having to live with the consequences. I dwell on these things far too much. Just remember that you can't change the past, but you can change your future. Everybody makes mistakes! You need to try to get past these thoughts of a bleak future. They will make your illnesses even harder to deal with. Try to take small steps to rebuild the relationships you want to get back. Explain that you were unwell and how much you have struggled with your Bipolar, agoraphobia and PTSD. Talk to your children and try to make them understand about the chemical imbalances and how sometimes, it isn't you talking or acting out, it is the illness that you can't always control.
Do you have psychiatric support and a good medication combination? I don't know how old your children are so don't know how appropriate this idea is, but it may help to take them to your next doctors/psychiatrists appointment so they can learn more about you from a professional who has worked with you and knows you, and who will have all the right words in place? This is how my support workers gained insight in to my illnesses and it improved our relationship massively. I know how very hard it can be to think positively at times, but try to find one thing everyday that makes you smile. And when you feel down, remember that thing. Keep a journal, and write these things down, and then try really hard to make a list of things you are grateful for, things you like about yourself. Maybe something simple, like you have beautiful eyes, or you have lovely thick hair... Only write positives, no 'con's' list. And also, read through all of the support you have here, and how many friends you have! You have more good about you than you realise - look how many people you have helped on Drugs.com already. I really hope you can learn to see what a special person you are. If you ever want to talk i'm here!
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