I am 27 years old and have suffered from debilitation depression and suicidal thoughts since the age of 8. I have tried over 40 medications for depression/anxiety and bipolar, been hospitalized 7 times and have seen too many doctors and therapists to count. I was given vicodin for menstrual pain one time and realized that it not only took away the physical pain but the mental pain as well. So against the advice of everyone I knew I began using vicodin as a treatment for depression. I would use it only during times when I was having suicidal thoughts or was too sad to get out of bed. I was never able to work before but since being on the vicodin I was able to get a job, go to school and even model for a large company. I I looked great, felt great and had the live I always wanted. Then I made a terrible mistake. I began hanging with a group of girls who would take vicodin just to get high so I began taking it when I didn't need it and consequently became addicted. I successfully used vicodin for 3 years, taking no more than 10 a week, for depression and I now take around 20 a day. I know it's killing my liver and my mind but I can't stop. My once beautiful face is now covered in foliculitus (acne like rash but not treatable with acne meds) and not even the heavy anti-biotics are clearing it up. I know it's all the toxins building up in my skin that's causing it.The physical withdrawals are not the hard part. It's the horrible depression of being off the pills that I'm afraid I won't survive. My father comitted suicide in 2007 and he was also addicted to painkillers. I do not drink and I eat extremely healthy so my liver enzymes according to blood tests, are only elevated 2 points. Should I go through rehab and quit the pills for good and just try to deal with the depression? This would mean not working outside the home and possibly cutting myself again but I would be internally healthy, gain back my looks, and would save quite a bit of $... or should I continue down this path feeling less depressed but ending up dying of liver disease... or should I force myself to cut back to the 10 a week I was using before after getting clean through reahb... which is nearly impossible to do. I'm scared to death right now and feel like either choice I make I'm going to end up where my dad is right now... in an urn on someone's fireplace. Help