I am 27 years old and have suffered from debilitation depression and suicidal thoughts since the age of 8. I have tried over 40 medications for depression/anxiety and bipolar, been hospitalized 7 times and have seen too many doctors and therapists to count. I was given vicodin for menstrual pain one time and realized that it not only took away the physical pain but the mental pain as well. So against the advice of everyone I knew I began using vicodin as a treatment for depression. I would use it only during times when I was having suicidal thoughts or was too sad to get out of bed. I was never able to work before but since being on the vicodin I was able to get a job, go to school and even model for a large company. I I looked great, felt great and had the live I always wanted. Then I made a terrible mistake. I began hanging with a group of girls who would take vicodin just to get high so I began taking it when I didn't need it and consequently became addicted. I successfully used vicodin for 3 years, taking no more than 10 a week, for depression and I now take around 20 a day. I know it's killing my liver and my mind but I can't stop. My once beautiful face is now covered in foliculitus (acne like rash but not treatable with acne meds) and not even the heavy anti-biotics are clearing it up. I know it's all the toxins building up in my skin that's causing it.The physical withdrawals are not the hard part. It's the horrible depression of being off the pills that I'm afraid I won't survive. My father comitted suicide in 2007 and he was also addicted to painkillers. I do not drink and I eat extremely healthy so my liver enzymes according to blood tests, are only elevated 2 points. Should I go through rehab and quit the pills for good and just try to deal with the depression? This would mean not working outside the home and possibly cutting myself again but I would be internally healthy, gain back my looks, and would save quite a bit of $... or should I continue down this path feeling less depressed but ending up dying of liver disease... or should I force myself to cut back to the 10 a week I was using before after getting clean through reahb... which is nearly impossible to do. I'm scared to death right now and feel like either choice I make I'm going to end up where my dad is right now... in an urn on someone's fireplace. Help
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time of things but let me tell you this, you can get clean through rehab and still work. I was addicted to alcohol and other drugs and I can tell you that it isn't always a cake walk but i think back to what my life was like and even now, on one of my worst days it's still 100% better than it was when I was using. I have been clean for 15 months this time and it's hard. I too have been to too many doctors, had too many medications, and been in too many hospitals but right now I have a wonderful counselor, psychiatrist, and medical doctor that have all communicated together to make sure that I am getting the care that i need and that in my addicting ways can't manipulate to get anything stronger than tylenol from them unless they can prove that there is something medically wrong with me, my word isn't good enough yet, which is the way that i still want it.
Please talk to someone who can help you with your depression, and get you into rehab for your addiction. The first step is admitting that you have a problem. Your already on your way. Don't give up on yourself now. You are not alone. There are many on here that will help and listen if you need to talk. Don't be afraid to say that you need help. And as a parting word, if things get too bad and your serious about your thoughts please call 911 immediately!
Good mornng,sounds like your going through what a great deal of the population of the U.S is going through right now.This is not something that you can plan how to do.Your not gonna be able to just take 10 a week and go on if you could have done that you woulden be where you are right now.You need to figure out how not to do (10) a week.I am afraid your fixing to encounter the hardest battle,and yet the best oppertunity in your adult life.First off you need to stand up and go meet your opponent go "seriously" go to the mirror and take a good look at who your up againist! And while your looking you need too realize this lady your looking at is no joke.Shes addicted she suicidal she tired and feels all alone.Shes all caught up.Now go to your porfollio and look at whos looking back at you!
hey now theres a plan!The girl n the mirror has just as much pull as the girl n the picture and you,Your the one that has the gear shift in hand.You your self do the sterring of this vessel,you have gotten a little sideways you can get back on the highway to freedom,beauty,happiness,all the things your sweet heart desires.You are at your disposal.Just know that lady in the mirror Knows EVERYTHING about you and she knows your good and bad points thats what makes her so visious she can munipulate you anyway she wants and get away with it, If you let her!!! You dont have much of a chance unless you fight that bitch with everything you got cause she is very cappable of putting you right by your pop if you dont watch it. This is where you are introduced to good and evil n your personality.This is where you find out who is boss,I sure hope you Know Jesus christ cause this is where your gonna need him most in your life this is where you determine just what YOUR made of. Just remember you need to fight to win.This aint no dress rehersal this is reality,This is not the end of the world this is merely a place in time in your life a very important time.This is where you show responsibuilty for your actions.Now you might need some coaching,most of us in this situation do, beleive me I know Ive had to face the bitch in my mirror more than once in my life and I promise you that bitch will beat you to DEATH !! IF IF YOU LET HER!!! So for get about parking on the fireplace by pop and cut her F#####g ass.Daddy aint gone no where this is pops second chance as long as you live he never dies!.Pray ask for for Gods help find someone in mental health or a regular doctor to help you with some addiction maintenence they have two meds I know of for this type of situation Suboxone and methadone,I tryed to beat it by myself and was right where you are right now they gave me Suboxone and I felt so damned good, so willing, so in control, that it scared the shit out of me and I gave it back cause I was scared it was gonna be worst than what I had which was Oxycontin 60mgs and everything else I could get a hold of. And I realized its either take it and LIVE or keep on messing with drugs till I went to jail or to visit the graveyard myself. Things are looking up! Im in the middle of moving to another place,I want to live its been along time since I could say that.I dont care for the thought of taking Suboxone at all I dont like what it stands for and admitting to the fact that now on top of everythng else in my life Im on drug addiction maintenence and in front of my kids at that.But hey ya gotta do what you gotta do.Take care hang in there,And remember Jesus loves you.And will help you. Carol aka MISLED.
Hi honey - I really feel your pain. But, I'm here to tell you that there IS hope. I suffered some very deep, clinical depressions for years. I am also in recovery for 23 years from my addictions. After I got sober and was clean a year, I discovered I was also Bipolar I. After several years of being very pro-active about getting on the right medications, I finally found the right combination. I was NOT going to be sober and depressed! We, who are addicts, want to self-medicate to feel "normal". But, that won't last, and leads nowhere but downhill... taking addictive substances is like setting a match to gasoline for those of us with Dual Disorders! Honestly, I was not willing to give up my search for happiness and peace. First and foremost, get sober and surround yourself with a huge support group.
You will find people in 12-step groups who do not believe in psychotropic drugs. Don't listen to them!! You are the one who suffers from clinical depression, NOT them! Dive into the program and be willing to take direction. And, work with your Drs. & counselors, as I will continue to do for the rest of my life. Keep your head up, keep a winning attitude.You are obviously a winner by your efforts to seek answers and the truth. I'm here to tell you, I have had no major depressions or manic episodes for 13 years. And, I'm clean and sober. Sure, things are tough sometimes, but that's why its important to remain honest, willing, pro-active, and involved in anything needed to help you find and keep your life. Life isn't always a bowl of cherries. But, I believe you can do it. Get your life back, believe in yourself and your "God", and listen to the many great people who are always willing to help on this site. Good luck & I'm keeping you in my prayers. You are NOT your addiction or your father. You are a beautiful woman, who wants to find answers, peace and happiness in life, and I believe you will. xo
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