This is my first post, so let me know if I'm doing anything incorrectly. I just really want advice and support from people because it is lacking in my life. I have a terrific boyfriend, but sometimes that is not enough. My friends were/are alcoholics that like to gossip and treat me like shit for abusing pills (hypocrites). Also, had my bofyriend not been buying me pills all these months I might not have ever got addicted to them, even though he was just trying to help.

I have been suffering with multiple bouts of pain stemming from circumstances and my condition, Crohn's Disease, which flares up from time to time and a couple car accidents. I was diagnosed when I was 15 and even when I had a painful abscess that ruptured in my intestines, I don't remember any doctors prescribing me pain medicine, and I was suffering for a very, very long time until they discovered I even had it. At one point, they thought I had cancer because of how high my white blood cell count was.

I'm also severely depressed and have been since I was diagnosed with Crohn's. I take Adderall (I was diagnosed with ADD/Adhd when I was 14, but only recently put on something that would help), Zyprexa, Xanax (not with adderall), and Neurontin. I've read Neurontin has some off label use for heroin addiction, so I'm hoping that helps. I never really took it regularly before, but am going to start.

Last March I went to the hospital because it was the weekend and I got a UTI, had no health insurance, so went to the ER. I had blood work and a CT scan of my intestines, where they found a lot of inflammation and decided to keep me overnight. As soon as they decided this, they put Dilaudid into my IV to help with the pain. I was there for about a week and getting morphine and dilaudid shots on the hour. After I left they gave me a prescription to vic 7.5s, which just makes me laugh now. Going from all that to Vics? I suppose it would have been a good idea to ween me off.

When I received that first shot of dilaudid, I had pretty much zero opiate tolerance. I was pretty messed up when they gave me it, nodding out and everything. It was the best feeling in the whole world and I will never forget it, QUITE UNFORTUNATELY.

Fortunately, after my vic script was gone (rather quickly, since I only had 20 or something minimal), I didn't really take opiates very much until months later, and even then I was only taking a regular amount for intestinal pain and for the constipation effect (because of the crohn's, some days I wouldn't be able to work because I'd be going to the bathroom all day so if I took a vic it'd stop this from happening)

At the end of 2009, I was reintroduced to a much harder drug, Heroin, which I didn't really care for all that much. I did it for a few weeks, but gave it up because A) I don't have the veins for it and didn't care for snorting the shit I had and B) the long drive and price were never worth it. I was going through a really, really dark time in my life and I almost think that may have intensified the physical pain I was feeling and though I was in real physical pain, I knew it did not need heroin to make it subside.

I started buying OC's, in January and though I stopped doing OC's, I started doing perc 30's, or Oxycodone 30mg as it seems accurately called by the interweb. I had been doing them from January (at the end, when I met my boyfriend) until last week, but not really a whole lot.

I would probably do like 5 30's a week or so, depending on the amount of money my boyfriend or I had, or whatever opiates I could find to help my pain. I even found I had more abdominal pain from doing them and started doing more to help in recent times. At the beginning of this month, I got up to craving 3 or more 30's a day, or an 80, or a 40, vics, whatever. You all know how it is.

When I realized I needed 3 or more a day, I knew I needed to stop before it got too bad, but I was REALLY scared and kept psyching myself up about it so I started reading all these message boards and got really touched by the stories and by seeing how supportable everyone is to complete strangers.

I actually followed a plan someone had, who had a similar habit to my own... not too severe, but I just coudn't stop on my own. I'd be craving them and still doing them if I never started Suboxone.

Last Friday I decided to start taking Suboxone. It seems to be working great, but when I feel pain I still have this craving for something to relieve it. Also, I suffer from panic attacks and severe anxiety, and somehow opiates would help with that and now I'm afraid that my social life is going to suffer even more than it did. So, not only do I miss the pain relief, but the social effects as well. Fortunately, I'm also on xanax, but it no longer helps my anxiety the way I'd like. Probably because I've been on 1mg 3x a day for a long time. I don't know. I don't really like to take them that much because of the memory loss it has caused me.

My Suboxone schedule has been as follows:

Friday - 4mg (2 mg 2x during that day)
Saturday - 4mg
Sunday - 4mg
Monday - 3mg
Tuesday - 3mg
Wednesday - 3mg
Thursday - 2mg
Friday - 2mg
Sat - 2mg
Sunday - 1 mg
Monday - 1 mg
Tuesday (today) 1mg

and if all goes according to plan

Wednesday (tomorrow) - .5 mg
Thursday .5 mg
Friday - .5 mg

Does that sound reasonable? Any advice regarding it?

I'm just really scared because I feel like I am extremely mentally addicted. I haven't gone to a Sub doctor because I can't afford it, so just bought a 3 and a half and someone gave me a half.

I've heard that some Sub doctors prescribe naloxone after they stop sub maintenance to help block opiates and cravings. Is it possible I could tell my family doctor my situation and she could prescribe it for me? I'm worried about relapsing after I stop taking subs and I really, really don't want to.

I wish I had more of a support system. I've never really had any good friends that have behaved healthy around me. I don't know if it's my age group or region or what... pretty sure it's just part of life. I just want to be back to my NORMAL life. I feel like such a failure. I should have graduated college by now. I wish I was never diagnosed with two life long illnesses and wish I could stop USING these as excuses for everything.

I just got a grant for school for the first time and REALLY, REALLY CANT AFFORD TO MESS MY LIFE UP ANYMORE!

Last question or hope for advice, I read something called "Kevin's recipe" for withdrawing or something and read a list of vitamins and minerals to take so have been doing that also, but can't take the L-Tyrosine regularly because I also take Adderall and it would increase the effects of Adderall too greatly to take together. So, if that's the case, than would it be accurate to assume that Adderall itself may help with some of my withdrawal symptoms because of the dopamine it produces in the brain?